Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not spend Christmas Day at the In-laws

38 replies

probablynotthesame · 24/12/2025 17:06

Me and my husband had an awful row around 5-6weeks ago, it ended up me calling out for help which the neighbours heard and called the police. The police came and I refused to talk to them, husband said a load of things to them so I got arrested - and released with no further action. However, the police then informed me (on my release) that they were going to arrest my husband - I told them I would in no way support anything/provide a statement or assist them in any way. Husband was then released with no further action.

i left the family home for a few weeks staying somewhere else with my child (not his bio father not involved) within this time husband told his parents everything, the whole nitty gritty of our argument (from his perspective) and told them to not contact me. (so as not to drip feed but I was emotionally neglected as a child been through years of therapy etc to deal with this but the rejection hit hard)

We had a conversation last night with regards to Christmas Day (we’re still not even sleeping in the same bed this whole argument has hit us both hard and we’re trying to rebuild our relationship back up) I wanted to know where he stood with if we went to his parents or not but he refused to tell me, so I felt I had to say no we’re not going. His response was well then I’ll be at there’s say between 11-4! Clearly this was a huge blow to me, I felt he wasn’t prioritising me or our marriage and was basically fucking off to his parents house for the day. His argument was it’s not the whole day!!

also to add I don’t have any immediate family myself ( mother is a horrible selfish nasty bit of work I’m no contact with, dad is dead, and sister sexually abused me as a child)

reason I had give my husband that I don’t want to spend Christmas with his family is because he’s told them all this bad stuff about me that how am I supposed to come back from? He’s said his family ‘don’t care and want to love on from’

so what do I do?? We’re not even talking at this point

OP posts:
Celestialmoods · 24/12/2025 17:10

Take your child out of the drama of this relationship and have a stable Christmas at home without your husband.

DahlsChickenz · 24/12/2025 17:10

This does not sound like a happy marriage or one where there is any prospect of a long term future. I would spend a nice peaceful day with your child while your husband is at his parents and then in the new year I would start making plans to end it for good.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 24/12/2025 17:13

Leave, for the sake of your child. But for tomorrow, let him go to his parents and you have a lovely Christmas at home.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 24/12/2025 17:16

Your immediate family is your child who deserves more than this shit. Prioritise them tomorrow and leave him to his family. End the relationship in the new year

Palaminoponyclub · 24/12/2025 17:17

Wtf. Please prioritise your child.

probablynotthesame · 24/12/2025 17:17

This is what I’m thinking, there’s no long term future. I wondered if I was being unreasonably expecting him to only go for an hour or two and actually prioritise me and our marriage. I said to him this isn’t ideal it’s not what I want I’d love a big happy family Christmas but I don’t feel comfortable going to his parents. He’s of the mindset that family is important to him, he’s not sure how long his nan has left (90 odd) so that’s that. I wish I’d stayed single after my ex, I’m so unhappy.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 24/12/2025 17:19

You know the answer.

probablynotthesame · 24/12/2025 17:19

I already feel awful my child has been exposed to this shit

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 24/12/2025 17:20

probablynotthesame · 24/12/2025 17:17

This is what I’m thinking, there’s no long term future. I wondered if I was being unreasonably expecting him to only go for an hour or two and actually prioritise me and our marriage. I said to him this isn’t ideal it’s not what I want I’d love a big happy family Christmas but I don’t feel comfortable going to his parents. He’s of the mindset that family is important to him, he’s not sure how long his nan has left (90 odd) so that’s that. I wish I’d stayed single after my ex, I’m so unhappy.

Then be single again. He isn’t being unreasonable at all, especially considering your relationship is clearly abusive in both directions by the sound of it. Your marriage isn’t the priority on Christmas Day, your child is. Same as today, so don’t have another argument about it. You’ve both decided what you are doing tomorrow, so now carry on with today

Gazelda · 24/12/2025 17:21

to be honest, I think that you were both asking for trouble by not agreeing on the format of Christmas Day until 36 hrs beforehand. Surely you’d spoken about what/where you’d be having lunch, for example? It must be a terrible atmosphere for your child.

i think you should work on the assumption that your relationship is over. Get through Christmas as calmly as possible, prioritising your child. Let husband do whatever he wants.

then move forward in the new year, without him.

BeQuirkyMintScroller · 24/12/2025 17:23

"wish I’d stayed single after my ex, I’m so unhappy."

So break up with him and be single. I don't mean to sound flippant but this just seems so obvious

probablynotthesame · 24/12/2025 17:25

I know it seems obvious but it’s never easy. We own a home/car etc married. You hear it a million times from other women and I guess never fully appreciate how hard it is to break away when you’re so intertwined financially. I guess I was hoping someone would help me see it from his perspective and that I am being unreasonable. I guess that’s the easy way out for me

OP posts:
PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 24/12/2025 17:27

ToKittyornottoKitty · 24/12/2025 17:20

Then be single again. He isn’t being unreasonable at all, especially considering your relationship is clearly abusive in both directions by the sound of it. Your marriage isn’t the priority on Christmas Day, your child is. Same as today, so don’t have another argument about it. You’ve both decided what you are doing tomorrow, so now carry on with today

This, what were the reasons for both arrests?

SpinningaCompass · 24/12/2025 17:28

Cut your losses now and end it.
The longer you drag it out, the harder and worse it will be.
Do it for your child if you won't do it for yourself.

BettysRoasties · 24/12/2025 17:33

I mean whatever this argument was you both ended up arrested and honestly stupidly on your part refused to talk to give your side.

Just leave.

Gymnopedie · 24/12/2025 17:35

He’s of the mindset that family is important to him, he’s not sure how long his nan has left (90 odd) so that’s that.

He's telling you that they are more his family to him than you and DC are. Time to end it.

probablynotthesame · 24/12/2025 17:37

@GymnopedieThat’s exactly what I took from it. I told him it’s not ideal but it’s this year one year, we’re fractured and hanging on by a thread. I go to church so will be out between 10-11 anyway and suggested he timed his visit then. He told me he can’t get round 15 people in that time.

OP posts:
ItsmeMargo · 24/12/2025 17:38

WTAF

I have no idea which way to vote: DH spending a few hours with his family is the least of your worries.

Your poor child. You had an argument with your DH that was so bad your neighbours called the police. You were arrested. You were released, then DH was arrested. What a shitshow.

probablynotthesame · 24/12/2025 17:39

Yes thank you @@ItsmeMargo that was incredibly helpful. Merry Christmas to you too.

OP posts:
BeQuirkyMintScroller · 24/12/2025 17:43

probablynotthesame · 24/12/2025 17:25

I know it seems obvious but it’s never easy. We own a home/car etc married. You hear it a million times from other women and I guess never fully appreciate how hard it is to break away when you’re so intertwined financially. I guess I was hoping someone would help me see it from his perspective and that I am being unreasonable. I guess that’s the easy way out for me

I know, it's hard, but Ok then try it this way:

what does your child need you to do? Your child, who is completely reliant on you for her welfare, happiness and foundations for her future happiness. What does she need you to do?

probablynotthesame · 24/12/2025 17:44

@BeQuirkyMintScrollerI don’t know? My child loves their step dad tremendously.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 24/12/2025 17:45

@probablynotthesame "I’d love a big happy family Christmas"

But this clearly isn't going to happen OP and the least of your worries is a magical Christmas Day. Your marriage sounds completely fucked to be honest.

Mymanyellow · 24/12/2025 17:50

I’m so sick of reading these fucking posts where women refuse to put their children first. It’s not even his dad ffs. Leave any way any how put your child first.

Endofyear · 24/12/2025 17:52

It sounds like an unhealthy relationship and not a good environment for your child. Was your child there when you were rowing and calling out for help and getting arrested? Why were you calling out for help, was he physically threatening you? Was alcohol involved?

Please think about what is best for your child. They need a safe and peaceful home.

BunsBoots · 24/12/2025 17:55

You are more like your Mother than you realise. You are repeating history. Put the needs of your poor DC first and leave this relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread