AIBU to not spend Christmas Day at the In-laws

[probablynotthesame]

Me and my husband had an awful row around 5-6weeks ago, it ended up me calling out for help which the neighbours heard and called the police. The police came and I refused to talk to them, husband said a load of things to them so I got arrested - and released with no further action. However, the police then informed me (on my release) that they were going to arrest my husband - I told them I would in no way support anything/provide a statement or assist them in any way. Husband was then released with no further action.

i left the family home for a few weeks staying somewhere else with my child (not his bio father not involved) within this time husband told his parents everything, the whole nitty gritty of our argument (from his perspective) and told them to not contact me. (so as not to drip feed but I was emotionally neglected as a child been through years of therapy etc to deal with this but the rejection hit hard)

We had a conversation last night with regards to Christmas Day (we’re still not even sleeping in the same bed this whole argument has hit us both hard and we’re trying to rebuild our relationship back up) I wanted to know where he stood with if we went to his parents or not but he refused to tell me, so I felt I had to say no we’re not going. His response was well then I’ll be at there’s say between 11-4! Clearly this was a huge blow to me, I felt he wasn’t prioritising me or our marriage and was basically fucking off to his parents house for the day. His argument was it’s not the whole day!!

also to add I don’t have any immediate family myself ( mother is a horrible selfish nasty bit of work I’m no contact with, dad is dead, and sister sexually abused me as a child)

reason I had give my husband that I don’t want to spend Christmas with his family is because he’s told them all this bad stuff about me that how am I supposed to come back from? He’s said his family ‘don’t care and want to love on from’

so what do I do?? We’re not even talking at this point

What happened in the argument that lead to you both being arrested? Why on earth have you let this man live with your child after you had an argument so bad that you had to call for help? What if he injured or killed you (or you him), what would happen to your child?

I hope the police involved social services as your child needs someone watching over them.

No, child was not present at the time of the argument, no alcohol involved it was 8am. I’m so aware of my child and their needs and honestly there’s nothing anyone could say to me to make me feel any worse of this situation.
honestly I just posted for some support, for some clarity. It’s easy to say just leave, why won’t you leave but I’m so intwined emotionally that I’m struggling to see sense. I don’t want to make any rash decisions based on heightened emotions, which I’d hope the majority would agree isn’t best.

So what did he tell his parents anyway OP? And the police? Why did you get arrested?

I wouldn't be worrying about Christmas visits when it gets to the point of you both being arrested
Poor child in the middle of 2 idiotic parents who can't control their tempers
Seriously have a word with yourself and worry about more important things. Like finishing the relationship as it could be worse the next time it happens. Because it will.

Seems you want people today aww it will all be ok. You obviously want to stay married when by your own account your marriage is an absolute shit show to the extent police are called and you have dragged your poor child into this too.

Support for what though? He isn’t unreasonable visiting family and you were arrested too, you’ve not said anything to suggest you are a victim here, just that you aren’t getting your own way. And as for ‘it’s easy to say just leave’ well OP, it’s even easier to make excuses to stay. If you argue like that while sober I’d hate to see either of you drinking over the holidays. This man isn’t even your child’s father, your child deserves better, making a rash decision to end it would be a solid choice in a situation like this.

You've had a difficult time in life and you are lacking confidence in your ability to make good decisions but deep down I think you know what you have to do.

This is clearly a volatile relationship that does not bode well for the future for any of you. Certainly not for a child caught up in the emotional crossfire. There's been one very serious incident so far, do you honestly believe that this will never be repeated?

What would you say to a friend who was in your position? Would you advise her to stick it out unhappily...or would you tell her to get out for her and her child's sake?

Why were you calling out for help OP? What was he doing?

Your relationship is toxic.

Have Christmas at home with your child and then make plans to leave.

My nephew loves running around the garden with chainsaws, drill bits and saws found in Grandad's garage but guess what....

Sometimes we have to take away a child's joy of what they love because it is not in their best interest.

What was he doing to make you call for help?

I find it very hard to see how you can repair your relationship after getting each other arrested. This is not normal OP.

What was the argument about and why did you call for help?

OP, the reality is this- one day, your child will tell someone that once, his mother and stepfather had an argument that was so awful they were both arrested. Imagine that! The awful, awful trauma of it. You say the child wasn't present, but they are present in the dynamic of your relationship.
However difficult you're finding the thought of leaving, this is your chance to give your child a happy, stable ending to this awful story. You're allowed to make stupid decisions for your future, but don't make them for your child.