for getting annoyed when childcare just automatically gets dumped on women?

[HazelMember]

Visiting family for Christmas and I’m already irritated.

Why is it that whenever a child needs anything, it’s mostly a woman who gets asked?

Child needs holding? A woman.
Nappy needs changing? A woman.
Baby is crying? Give it to a woman.
Child needs to go to the toilet? Can you take her. Said to a woman.
Child needs help or comforting? Mum looks around for another woman.

The men are mostly left alone. Sitting, chatting, eating, relaxing. Not even considered.

What really gets me is that it’s not always their own kids. Women who need help often hand their child to another woman without asking, like it’s some unspoken rule that we’re all responsible. No checking if you’re ok with it. No thought of asking a man.

Those of us with older DC seem to get asked even more because our kids are not as demanding anymore. As if that means we’re suddenly available. As if we didn’t already do our time. As if we are now the default helpers just because we are not dealing with nappies or tantrums all day.

I don’t even mind helping sometimes. I just hate that it’s the default. That caring is treated as women’s work. That at Christmas when everyone is meant to relax, the women are constantly on alert while the men get an actual break.

It’s so normalised that no one even notices it happening.

Yes I know some men are amazing and look after their DC really well and some people always go to the men first to ask for help. I am just talking about what I see quite regularly.

It is quite annoying, but i think you have to be the change you wish to see. Hand your child off to your DH, say how attractive it is when men do their fair share of the parenting, and how unattractive it is when they do nothing. Drive the change.

There's a female comedian I listened to who talked about ths and about how you should do your bit by handing your baby to men at social events to normalalize men being carers. I can't remember where I listened to it but I do have it in the bank of my mind and when I remember to try to hand my child when I need help to the male relatives (eg grandad rather than grandma)

On one level, I absolutely agree with you. But the number of threads on here along the lines of “my BIL let my DD sit on his knee - is he a pervert?”/“I’d never leave my child with a male babysitter” etc makes me understand why men are very reluctant to step in with small children other than their own. See also loads of threads about people not wanting to send their child to a nursery with male workers - on one level, it’s completely understandable, but then it does absolutely reinforce the idea that childcare is for women only. It is very difficult.

I do this

My BIL looked absolutely astonished when I handed him my newborn when I needed the loo. But he did it!

Ok but are women really that fearful of handing their child to their dad, brother or grandad as opposed to their sister, mum or grandma? Are they scared that their brother, dad or grandad might be a pervert?

This doesn't happen in our family. DH is just as likely to be dealing with the children as I am and my dad was a very hands on Grandad who I would pass the children to without a second thought. DHs dad and brothers would also muck in and help out with the kids.

Nothing happens in my house unless I drive it. Now we’ve got to drive the fucking change too???

Nope, I’m not fucking doing it, I’m doing far too much already!

Urgh yes. I wouldn’t be changing a nappy if the baby’s father was around. I’ll always hand a crying toddler to their father.

There was a wonderful line from Temperance Brennan in Bones about this phenomenon (in one of the early series before the writers had her have kids and it became sentimental crap)

"Just because I have breasts doesn't mean I have magical power over infants"

I had pretty bad PND after my first child and open the door to my sisters house, gave the baby to my brother in law and he just melted. He was so proud that i trusted him. He has an amazing bond with all my children. My dad is often left with babies at family gatherings because he’s disabled and can’t help with food. My partner is a lazy shit though.

Im child free by choice and this really pisses me off . Ppl need to remember that some of us are child free by choice for a reason

I think I’m quite lucky, the kids are handed to the parents (male and female) in my family’s household.

However my MIL who had only boys has made some comments. Telling an aunt to help my husband in the kitchen to make our kids some lunch. He’s more than capable of making lunch for his own kids and was already doing so.

I don’t really get the whole men aren’t capable but i do think it’s something that’s learnt and from both sexes

On MN? yes they absolutely are.

Just politely say no. How hard can it be. I just laugh and say that I've done my time with my kids, someone else can deal with the next ones. Sorted.

YANBU. I have noticed this in a group of my old friends. Five couples with two kids each and although the dads are hands-on in daily life, as soon as we’re all together it basically reverts to the 1950s while the men stand around chatting and drinking and the women cook, clean and entertain the kids. I fucking hate it! I do call it out but am conscious it makes me sound super chippy.

Not in my family/social circle. Possibly mums do more with their own kids than the Dads on these occasions, and certainly more women seemed to actively pursue holding my babies, but my kids were changed, toileted, told off and comforted pretty much exclusively by their parents. And I certainly don’t get involved in any of that with my nieces, nephews or friend’s kids - and absolutely no way would I ever suggest DH takes any child but ours to the toilet or changes their nappy, it’s just too easy these days for it to be taken the wrong way.

As far as whether it’s a mum or a dad doing most of the parenting at an event, DH have a deal where if it’s an event with my family or friends he is the default parent and if we’re at his family then I take on most of the kid duty.

This happens in most social groups unfortunately. Part of the problem is the kids themselves seek out their Mum while ignoring the Dad. Even at home I've often had to tell them to ask their Dad who they just walked past to come and annoy me after I've told them to leave me for a bit. Then in a group setting the men see a kid with the women and just assume the women have the kids. Definitely they ignore the situation unless they are asked to be 'on' but if I'm honest I'd do the same if I thought someone else would step in.

This. I was at a baby shows when my twins were 18 months old. I launched one at the grand father to be and took the other to the toilet with me. He had already had 2 children and needed to reminded about small children 🤣

Baby shows = baby shower

I haven't seen this on MN where women are fearful that their close male relatives are perverts. I don't doubt some do but I would not say it is common.

A relative and his partner have a young baby. Both the parents work full-time but the mother is on maternity leave.
The father's grandmother told me that he was 'ever so good with the baby, he took off 2 weeks from work and he changes nappies'.

That is what society expects.

I said that was not acceptable in this day and age, he should be doing half the parenting.

Do we have to do what society wants? Does that get men off the hook?

We need to change it. How many posts on here refer to fathers 'helping' the mother with the childcare.
They fathers should be doing their fair share.

Cause its always women that coo over them.
I never get asked any of the above but the i never go around making baby noises and poking at the latest family addition.

I don't coo over them either but the men generally don't get asked if they want to hold the newborns like the women do.

Tbh, it’s because they’re reliably able to look after / care for the child - or anything vulnerable. Men just don’t somehow. Not all men.

Arrived at parents’ for Christmas this afternoon, parked awkwardly, needed to unload the car immediately, toddler just woken up and clingy - only my dad was downstairs, came back and she was howling and distressed and he was just in the other room making a cup of tea. No thought to comfort her. Was so annoyed. But I knew as soon as I saw him - if any of the women in the house had been there (aunts and grandma) she would have been distracted and comforted and totally fine.

That said, my BIL / her uncle is amazing with her and always happy to help - I happily hand her off to him.

But I see why women see other women - even child free ones - as a safer bet.