It's a MIL one…..

[cosmobrown]

background - I am autistic and pretty set in my ways. Everyone knows this.

MIL likes to "help" when she comes to visit. I find this very difficult and everyone also knows this. Because of where she lives she visits for multiple days at a time. I have said to DH I can only cope for max 5 days!
She arrived yesterday and announced she will be staying until the New Year!!!!!
I said to DH did he know this, and he said yes, but she will go to other relatives for a few days. He hadn't explained this to me before so it was a shock.
Today MIL has "helped" by taking my washing out of the machine for me and leaving it (folded up) wet, in the basket.

AIBU to not want MIL going through my washing - which includes underwear?
I'm already set on edge now and she's only been here a matter of hours.

It doesn’t seem like she’s done anything wrong. Your DH is the one at fault for not telling you her plans. The washing is presumably just her trying to be a useful visitor and help out. On the other side, people complain when MILs visit and sit expecting to be waited on, so I’m not sure they can win sometimes.

Your husband needs reading the riot act for doing this behind your back. He presumably knows you're autistic and knows this would be dysregulating for you, it's really unfair of him to basically make plans behind your back and only tell you when it's too late to protest.

I'd be taking myself out for several of the days if it were me in your exact situation.

Your DH is a big problem here! He should have made sure you were aware of plans. Especially if you’re autistic and it’s tough enough to regulate during Christmas!

Your MIL is perhaps a bit of a pain, if your DH could step in and make sure that she knows not to fold wet washing or get involved in any chores 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m sure she meant well but perhaps she just needs a firm word from DH to keep her in guest mode!

I know she's only trying to help, but it annoys me! I have vented my feelings to DH.

She likes to help with everything to the point where I feel like a visitor in my own home. It's a hard time of the year.
I have explained to MIL many times over the years that I find her "help" difficult as I'm very set in my ways, but she can't help herself.
I do understand that it's me with the problem here, but I need to vent somewhere, and MN is probably the safest place to do it without upsetting people. (which I tend to do when I vent in real life!!)

Give her the veg to peel and chop and get her busy doing that so that she stays away from your washing.

I don't know that it actually is you with the problem OP if she been told/asked not to do it and still 'can't help herself'. Why is it ok for her to be set in her ways but not for you? That's by the by really I suppose but I'm not sure you should be internally blaming yourself for being inflexible in your ways when it's seemingly ok for her to do the exact same thing 🤷🏻‍♀️

On the practical side I would try to find a job you don't mind so much being done not your way and give her that to keep her busy! I'm autistic too and thank my lucky stars every Christmas that our house is too small for overnight guests, wishing you strength to get through it How convinced are you that she actually will go and stay elsewhere for some of the time? Serious words needed with DH about filling you in on all the details next time, has he learnt nothing about being with an autistic partner??!!

God I hate it when people try to help, which really means either getting in the way or upsetting my routine. Tell her to please just relax, but if she needs an occupation get her prepping vegetables or something - assign her a specific task.
And tell your DH he should have explained the situation beforehand!

lol you are getting off lightly - when my MiL helps with my laundry she comments on my underwear.

So when I was younger it was “do you actually wear this? Isn’t it a bit racy?” and I had to explain that I find thongs were very practical and yes, even comfortable to wear at the gym. And, well, who doesn’t like some nice lingerie whilst we’re young enough to enjoy it?

These days she just tells me how much nicer clothes are when they are ironed properly (mine never are).

I love my MiL to bits though. I find a G&T and a bit of Classic FM distracts her!

Give her defined jobs/role.

She's trying to help because she cares, but it's understandably driving you nuts.

And make sure you get time to re-regulate yourself - a walk alone to the shop/pretend you off out to drop off a card etc...

I can’t stand ‘helpers’ and equally I hate an unwritten expectation to help at other people’s houses - I don’t know how they like things done, their little ‘rules’ or where things go…

I find it absolutely fascinating when people (usually women) start rolling up their sleeves and busying themselves in someone else’s home. Any time someone tries it in my house it gets wrestled out of their hands ‘no sorry we rinse dishes in this house’ ‘no we don’t use tea towels for hands’ ‘no we don’t stack dirty plates we just put them straught in the dishwasher.’ Ugh. Just leave it.

I would have to get arsey and just say in a really blunt tone “sorry Carol but can you not touch the laundry? I know you’re only trying to help and I appreciate that but it’s really quite a personal thing. You’re here as a guest and I’d rather you just relax and leave things to us. Thanks.”

Staying til New Year? Jfc, I’d explode! I can’t cope with guests after a night, so we just don’t invite people. I’m probably undiagnosed nd, but this would drive me crazy. You need to have a serious discussion with your Dh re future visits. I don’t even stay with people when I visit. There’s no reason you can’t politely tell her to stop, she most certainly can help herself.

I have told her (in a nice-ish way) many times over the years that she should just sit down, relax and read a book etc. But no.
I've also said that she is a terrible house guest before as well - in a jokey way (I think).
I can't have her prep the veg as she uses a knife and the whole kitchen sink to peel the spuds rather than use the nice OXO peeler.

I've also been asking her not to load the dishwasher for about 20 years now, but still she does it. (She doesn't have a dishwasher, so puts cups and glasses on the bottom)
God. I'm not going to make it through the next few days am I.

think of two or three tasks that bother you the least and allocate them to her so she feels useful then get on with the jobs you dont want her to do. Also suggest her and dh have quality time and go for a walk/coffee etc.

The staying till NY is a bit much. The helping? You could just relax and unclench a little. She wants to help that’s really quite kind. I’d love if I had a relative willing to do that. She’s just a girl living her life for the first time too (albeit an old one) and she’ll be dead one day. do you think it’s really worth being so uptight about a dishwasher? Issue some instructions / order her around if it you need it done a certain way. And try it see it from her pov. She wants to feel useful, she wants to help you.

Your DH has created this. He’s kept you uninformed and resulted in an unwelcoming atmosphere for his DM. I feel for both you and your MIL.

can you see your way to compromise? Find some tasks for her to do? Plan something for you to do together? Give her responsibility for something?

setting the Christmas table
entertaining the kids (if you have them)
darning DH’s socks
sorting the recycling
prepping the ‘picky bits’ tea
showing you how she makes her famous mince pies or cauliflower cheese
unloading the dishwasher

you are set in your ways. It’s your home and you are entitled to run it in whatever way suits you and DH. Equally, she’s been invited as a guest and deserves not to feel unwanted.

If you have explained what you need from her when she is staying, and why - and she is going against that, it is not you with the problem.

Can you give her some ironing to do? Make some if you haven’t got any. They love a bit of ironing. Give her towels and bedding .
my mum and my mil, together, both ‘helped’ do my laundry one day, unasked, It was over 20 years ago and she’s my ex mil now ( who is coming to stay the night next week) and I still feel white hot rage when I think of it, they trashed my fucking house. See also emptying the dishwasher but just leaving everything on the side , furious doesn’t cover it. Give her a job and scream into a pillow. She means well, the bitch😂

Who've you let her decide how long she's staying??

I'm not autistic but my husband and 2 children are (and we believe both MIL and FIL probably are too) MIL is also someone who likes to help but often I find that 'help' really unhelpful.

They also live quite a distance from us abd come for days at a time.

A number of years ago we took the decision to ask them to stay in a local hotel rather than with us. This has been very beneficial for everyone. My husband and kids have time to decompress, as,do my inlaws, and I have some headspace from micromanaging everyone and everything. I absolutely recommend this.

I sympathise, and my MIL also stays over a lot more regularly than I’m comfortable with (which I blame DH for). My MIL never lifts a finger though.

Can you get your MIL to make a soup every day? Give her the pan and a knife, onions and vegetables, and let her make herself useful for a while.

How is folding wet laundry even helping?! Who does that?! Seems to me she’s just trying to find stuff to do. It can be hard having nothing to do when you’re used to constantly doing stuff around the house.

I adore my husband’s family, but when they all come to stay, every single one of us (except his unflappable sister) gets overwhelmed. We’re all, bar two, neurodivergent too 🤣

It’s bloody hard having guests in your home, I feel you. I think your husband needs to speak to her!

Also a mostly ND family here too and this is what we’ve started doing. It’s just too much to have them stay and we just don’t have the space.

Get her in the garden clearing up leaves or painting the shed!

@Picklejuiceleak I'm glad it's not just us 🙈

My MIL was always trying to help when we first moved in and then got married. She struggles with not being the 'main' person in my husband's life.

She would constantly ask me 'shall I do this/that?' And when I politely said, no please don't worry, it's fine, she would go to my husband and ask him. He would inevitably say oh yes, thanks mum. She would then come back to me and triumphantly announce she had done it as 'MrHolly said for me to!

Took a few firm conversations with my husband to explain and being quite firm with her, to get her to stop. She now just huffs at me, 'Oh I'd offer to do that but you'll just say no, so I won't!'

I just shrug and smile now.

I find it so odd. It would never occur to me to go to someone else's house and start taking over and doing jobs.