My friend is a drama queen who drains me

[Soonbefriday]

Sorry for long post alert. No poll, just a bit of advice needed.

I’ve had a friendship that has endured for pretty much 25 years, although there have been times we’ve drifted a bit. We met at a toxic workplace and at the time I didn’t register how much drama surrounds my friend as I was in a marriage with an abusive man and admittedly must have been a drama magnet as I was used to it.

Fast forward past a short marriage for her (now estranged for 4 years), long term health issues for her and a cancer journey for me plus a loss of my Mum at the start of COVID and I’ve reached calmer waters. Got married to my DP of 10 years in the autumn and life is pretty good at the moment. She came to the wedding in Greece and ensured the focus was on her by putting herself at risk doing a hike in the heat and collapsing. I was a teary mess the day before the wedding because of it.

Admittedly she’s had a lot to contend with and found Christianity in the mid 2000s (brought up loosely in the Jewish faith as a child but moved away from it). She has always been incredibly intense and required a lot of my time as free therapy which has massively drained me as one sided (even when I was going through chemo and radiotherapy) but I’ve felt it was all part of the deal of being a friend. It’s rare that we spend quality time together as she always drags it back to intense subjects, most of which is of her making - including putting herself in harm’s way by allowing a drug dealer into her home and preaching to him!

Since the start of the war in the Middle East and the fact that it’s now sadly dangerous to be Jewish she’s started going to Synagogue again for the first time since childhood and I am walking on eggshells and censoring everything I say as she gives me lectures on how little I know about the history of it all. Her attitude towards the genocide in Gaza appals me. She stayed in the summer and had me in tears lecturing me about it - I’d have left if it wasn’t my own house! She’d had a drink otherwise would have been tempted to tell her to leave. The next day she acted like a victim at a local cafe by a perceived slight. Couldn’t wait for her to go home.

I reached out to her to offer my sympathy about the Bondi attack and she sent a very detailed message signing off by saying she was flying out to NI. When I wished her a safe flight I got a mouthful about how I had ignored what she was going through! She waited 2 days before replying but no apology, just more lecturing, although she signed off by saying she knew I loved her and she loved me! Our mutual friend from way back has the same view as me but she has the excuse of living halfway across the world so reduced contact is easier for her.

I do care about her but I care about my own peace of mind more and am feeling like we’ve reached the end of the road as she’s hardly acting like a Christian towards me. AIBU to feel like this?

She sounds a complete dose! I would avoid her, slip away quietly.

I have a friend like that. Utterly draining.

She never shut up about some guy in the 1970's she had a relationship with, while I took her out to dinner, and paid. She never thanked me.

Utterly obsessed and when I told her I had to go to the supermarket for food and to shut up she walked off, offended.

Only all about her. And can't even see it.

Fuck that.

Some people might be in your life for years - even if moved away - but nobody deserves that kind of treatment.

Just my 2 cents.

Your energy is reserved for the people who value you.

This one is easy because she doesn't even need you just seems to enjoy abusing you. Let her go..

Thanks @ChristmasHug Not going to be easy to let go but you are right. My DH is a nice easygoing bloke but even he doesn’t like how she treats me. I get the feeling he’s put up with her all these years for my sake.

If you don't want this woman in your life anymore, just stop spending time with her. You sound very similar, and neither of you are being a great friend to the other. It seems like there's this strange competitive grievance thing happening between you.

You want us to think she's the problem, but the way you talk and think about her isn't very pleasant. Accusing her of deliberately giving herself heatstroke to ruin your wedding? If that's how you think of her, I really don't know why you're still friends.

Time to let it go.

@SnoopyPajamas not sure about the competitive grievance aspect. I did feel guilty about writing this down but I’ve got a low tolerance for energy vampires and the constant victim mentality. I just need to find a way to either reduce or stop contact and not be an arse about it. I have other friends where there is reciprocity and where I’m not treading on eggshells. And the hike. I didn’t say she got heatstroke but she does have a health condition called POTS which is pretty serious. She went off on her own without telling anyone what she was doing and seemed to take great delight in showing me a detailed medical report. Had I known her plans I would have asked her not to. She’s now making jokes in poor taste about it but I sobbed for ages about it the day before our special day. It wasn’t funny. I’m done.

She was a friend for a season and that season was done a very long time ago. Cut her loose, @Soonbefriday, she brings nothing good to your life and you've put up with a ridiculous amount of her shit for far too long. You'll feel nothing but relief.

Well it makes sense that OP isn’t talking “pleasantly” about someone she’s thinking of ending the friendship with. Cause and effect.

The friend isn’t very friendly.

Would we accuse other minority groups of having a victim mentality when violent hate crimes are committed against them? Or is that attitude reserved for the Jews?

@KatMansfield6 Did you not read my post? Totally missed the point. Unfair of you. Hate crimes against any race or creed are deplorable

I've a friend with POTS. Hiking is ridiculous even in good weather.

I had an energy vampire. Even when there was no drama she'd start crying about her abusive childhood. If I changed the subject she'd wheel it back around.

My breaking point was when I was on holiday, on my solo early morning walk along the beach (6am), stopped to get a coffee & sit to have some me time. She called & unloaded onto me crying and screaming and then thanked me for listening as 'she needed that'.

I stepped back after that & she moved shortly after so I rarely have contact these days. Unfortunately it's also lost her one child who is NC, one who is LC & two who are just as bad as her.

Move on. You don't even realise how much energy vamps drain you until you cut them off.

@MermaidMummy06 exactly that. There is a history of risk taking behaviours including a lot of skydiving and scuba diving when she was young and healthy. I wouldn’t have hiked up to where she went! I was pretty horrified. We kept inviting her to spend time with us just relaxing on the beach or at the villa but she refused. That is pretty extreme. The friend you have sounds very similar to mine. No recognising of boundaries. Very sad but am sure you feel better now you are LC. Take care

This wasn't aimed at you in particular -- just the thread in general. I think the responses would have been far different if this was a different minority group who had recently had atrocities committed against them.

Shes not a friend.

She is:

1. A cunt
2. An oxygen thief

Take your pick OP.

Block her, move on, no second thoughts. Life is way too short for people like this.

Google vulnerable narcissist. It’s the new word for tiresome drain.

Time to move on OP - I think you don't like her, it's got a bit toxic. No need for drama - just quietly slide away.

@Supersimkin7 This! I came to that realisation a couple of weeks ago. She is pretty pompous but always in victim mentality at the same time. Never wholeheartedly apologises as it’s never her fault. I have friends who actually are Jewish and have no option but to send their kids to faith schools and attend Synagogue as that is their faith and they are scared understandably. She’s turned to Judaism again as it allows the drama in that she’s addicted to. Synagogue on Saturday, church on Sunday. Wtf??

I have a lot of Jewish friends who have been devout all of their lives. I have reached out whenever I felt it was needed, most recently after Bondi, and each time have just received a simple thank you, it’s appreciated.
Not one friend has given me a lecture. We have spoken about faith so many times, and I know right now they feel under attack. I have let them lead any discussion and just listened.
This friend of your sounds like she is just going where she can get most attention and is using any situation to bring the spotlight to her.
I know it’s really hard but the only situation is to remove this friend.
I did it earlier on in the year, I was absolutely torn over it. But the sheer relief of not having to deal with the friend in question is immense. She had no boundaries, she was a terrible gossip and spread a nasty rumour about a mutual friend. I told her directly and she did not take it well.
You do not have to live your life being treated this way.

Just walk away then and let her live her life and you live yours. You have co-created this misery fest with her tho, like it or not, you were also invested. Perhaps there is something about you that was drawn to her need for attention and drama and now your rejection of her?
But that might be a reflection for further down the road. It's hard to look at ourselves, and easier to point fingers.

Just ghost her. She sounds miserable.

@Colourbrain You’re right. I think being in drama myself allowed the friendship to flourish. Now I’m seeking peace I can see it for what it is. You get used to drama so you expect nothing else but drama. I feel sad to walk away and not sure how to do it with kindness as everyone deserves that regardless.

So there is a right and wrong way to respond to massacres and terrorist plots against your people?

People like this are utterly exhausting. I’d never usually condone ghosting but I think having an honest conversation about ending the friendship isn’t really an option given her flair for the dramatics. She’ll be the victim no matter how you handle it.

You sound quite dramatic yourself tbf. You've been in tears twice, from things that don't sound that upsetting.

I had a friend like this- she had mental health issues and suffered with depression. She also had a severe phobia of anyone being sick so if we ever went out anywhere,( rare!) she was constantly watching people and asking if I thought they looked ill!! Every relationship she had was with married men- sadly, one of them died and she couldn't even go to the funeral so spent hours messaging me about it all. She never asked how I was, or my husband or kids- everything was about her. I once put a couple of holiday photos on fb. Instead of saying " have fun" or whatever like most people, she put a long comment about how she'd love to have a holiday but because of her physical and mental wellbeing, she doubted whether it would ever happen....
The crunch came when it was her birthday. She had a massive rant on fb about how none of her fb friends had wished her happy birthday, how it wouldn't have hurt for everyone to have said it etc etc....and that we could all go and fuck ourselves.
So I responded by saying that, as she never bothered asking us how we all were then she wouldn't know if there was anything going on in our lives, and that what she said at the end was disgusting and unforgivable. Then blocked her.