My friend is a drama queen who drains me

[Soonbefriday]

Sorry for long post alert. No poll, just a bit of advice needed.

I’ve had a friendship that has endured for pretty much 25 years, although there have been times we’ve drifted a bit. We met at a toxic workplace and at the time I didn’t register how much drama surrounds my friend as I was in a marriage with an abusive man and admittedly must have been a drama magnet as I was used to it.

Fast forward past a short marriage for her (now estranged for 4 years), long term health issues for her and a cancer journey for me plus a loss of my Mum at the start of COVID and I’ve reached calmer waters. Got married to my DP of 10 years in the autumn and life is pretty good at the moment. She came to the wedding in Greece and ensured the focus was on her by putting herself at risk doing a hike in the heat and collapsing. I was a teary mess the day before the wedding because of it.

Admittedly she’s had a lot to contend with and found Christianity in the mid 2000s (brought up loosely in the Jewish faith as a child but moved away from it). She has always been incredibly intense and required a lot of my time as free therapy which has massively drained me as one sided (even when I was going through chemo and radiotherapy) but I’ve felt it was all part of the deal of being a friend. It’s rare that we spend quality time together as she always drags it back to intense subjects, most of which is of her making - including putting herself in harm’s way by allowing a drug dealer into her home and preaching to him!

Since the start of the war in the Middle East and the fact that it’s now sadly dangerous to be Jewish she’s started going to Synagogue again for the first time since childhood and I am walking on eggshells and censoring everything I say as she gives me lectures on how little I know about the history of it all. Her attitude towards the genocide in Gaza appals me. She stayed in the summer and had me in tears lecturing me about it - I’d have left if it wasn’t my own house! She’d had a drink otherwise would have been tempted to tell her to leave. The next day she acted like a victim at a local cafe by a perceived slight. Couldn’t wait for her to go home.

I reached out to her to offer my sympathy about the Bondi attack and she sent a very detailed message signing off by saying she was flying out to NI. When I wished her a safe flight I got a mouthful about how I had ignored what she was going through! She waited 2 days before replying but no apology, just more lecturing, although she signed off by saying she knew I loved her and she loved me! Our mutual friend from way back has the same view as me but she has the excuse of living halfway across the world so reduced contact is easier for her.

I do care about her but I care about my own peace of mind more and am feeling like we’ve reached the end of the road as she’s hardly acting like a Christian towards me. AIBU to feel like this?

Maybe keep in mind that you are trying to decrease the drama in your own life and then if it feels like the right moment you could approach her with a version of that? I walked away from someone who I had a similar dynamic with, different conditions obvs, but I didn't say a lot about why as we had been causing each other unhappiness for a while and there didn't seem like a lot more to say. I didn't want more drama at that point. She straight away agreed with me so I guess perhaps it was time. Good luck with what you decide.

The competitive grievance aspect is clear from your post. It's all "well she had X happen to her, but Y happened to me", and much splurging of unnecessary detail. (Why do we need to compare the length of your relationship vs her marriage?) You obviously just don't like this woman anymore, if you ever really did. But instead of admitting that and just quietly phasing out the friendship, you're trying to make her the villain and you the victim.

You talk about "energy vampires" and your "toxic workplace", but you're giving the impression of someone who very much participates in all that. You think the worst of this friend in everything. Maybe she didn't know her limits with the POTS. Maybe she wasn't used to the heat. Maybe it was a stupid (but genuine) mistake, and the jokes are coming from a place of embarrassment. The same with showing you her medical report. Maybe she showed you so you'd know it was a real medical issue, and not assume she was being a drama queen.

I don't know what she was thinking, because I don't know this woman from Adam. But she's supposed to be your friend. And instead of allowing for any of those possibilities, you have all these really quite unpleasant thoughts about her instead. And you act like she did you some huge wrong, because you "sobbed for hours about it" the day before your wedding. Which sounds like an overreaction on your side, frankly, and was probably more a result of heightened pre-wedding emotion than anything. But no. All her fault.

You want us to think you're so nice and sensitive and hurt by all this, but it feels performative. Your whole post is just an excuse to bitch about a 'friend' and make her the villain, so you can get sympathy from strangers on the internet. It's that competitive grievance thing again. She called you a bad friend for not supporting her, so now you have to prove she's the bad friend, actually! Look, all these people who have never met her and only have your side of it, they all agree she's the problem! Vindication!

It's all so childish. A person who truly doesn't get off on drama would just say (to themselves) "I think this friendship has run its course". And then quietly phase out contact. It's that easy. You don't need a ten point plan to figure out how to do it! Just get on with it.

This sounds exhausting… I think you probably know the answer, but good luck

For your own mental health I think you know you have to step way back. Hope you can do that and find some peace, it does sound really difficult. ♥️

No. If a friend takes more than they give it’s toxic. It is ok to walk away, I’ve done it myself (she was bipolar and alcoholic). In her eyes it will be all your fault but you know in your heart what the truth is. This woman is a narcissist by the sounds of it and they are exhausting to be around. Just leave her to it, you will feel lighter for it.

I had a vampire friend like this. We used to meet up weekly for coffee. She would spend the entire hour talking about herself. If I tried to bring up a topic, she would turn it back to herself. Such a main character.
I called it quits when I was getting divorced and she didn't let me get a word in. I realised it was all one way and I was her support animal.
I feel so much better for it.

Also, I don't understand why some posters are trying to derail to talk about Judaism. OP clearly only mentioned it to demonstrate how superficial and drama seeking this friend is. And yes, fwiw I am actually in Australia