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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have resented our Christmas routine for almost 20 years?

34 replies

CoastOfXmasPast · 23/12/2025 20:47

Not sure why I am posting really as there is no solution to the issue now, but maybe other perspectives or straight talking are needed…

When DH and I got together, his Christmas with his family was kind of set in stone and I had to fit in. I moved into his house with my primary school age DD, he was a batchelor few years older than me and really close to his parents. It has never occurred to me to discuss how we do Christmas as new family, until it was basically stated that he goes out with FIL on Christmas Eve to the pub, Christmas morning he takes MIL to church (we were welcome to join), then PIL come to us for lunch and stay as long as they want (midnight and beyond). I was straight away resentful as I felt left behind with DD on Christmas Eve, I am not religious to go to church, so it felt like all cosiest moments of the night before and early morning we were either on our own or rushed. The hosting all day is also hard work as essentially we cook, feed, wash up, walk and later serve the buffet and then clean up again. I didn’t say anything the first year as PIL were quite domineering characters, I have no family of my own in the UK, and I just wanted harmony and for everyone to be happy, not make a fuss.

This has gone on for 19 years. FIL has passed away few years back, DD is now adult, so we spend Christmas Eve together, then host MIL. BIL has never once offered to host them, no idea why, and they have never offered to host us. It’s the same food every year as it’s traditional - because PIL set in their ways and would not eat anything off script.

Now, of course, I could have said something over the years, but I didn’t want to upset anyone and Christmas would have felt bad for everybody and I would have been the Grinch who stole it. So, once again we will be shopping and cleaning and prepping on Christmas Eve while I still work half day. MIL is no bother, but can’t go for a walk now, so we are stuck in the house all day. I say to myself it’s two days per year, suck it up, but each year I feel like a mug whilst BIL literally never offers to have them / her.

OP posts:
TFImBackIn · 23/12/2025 20:49

Honestly, you're crazy to have put up with this. Why would you do that? Why didn't you leave him before the second Christmas when you realised what every Christmas would look like?

Chasbots · 23/12/2025 20:50

No agency in your own marriage?

yeesh · 23/12/2025 20:51

You are unreasonable for allowing someone else to dictate how your child experienced Christmas, sounds utterly shite.

Watchoutfortheslowaraf · 23/12/2025 20:51

how old is mil now? If she’s very elderly I probably would keep going for the next couple of years or however long she might have left and then after that, do whatever the hell you like. Go on holiday, go to a restaurant, anything you like. The time to contest it was years and years ago

Original poster
CoastOfXmasPast · 23/12/2025 20:58

MIL is early 80s, so I would not change anything now for her sake.
For DD Christmas has always been wonderful because she loved having me to herself Christmas Eve, she still goes to church with DH and MIL in her mid twenties and has not missed a year and they didn’t have own grandchildren together, they were born in the last 3 years, after FIL passed, so she had a lot of presents and attention on Christmas Day at her own house. She (and all of them) have no idea still to date that I was / am unhappy with this set up since I have never said anything.

OP posts:
Minjou · 23/12/2025 21:00

You accepted it at the start, you did it every year, you're still not willing to change it.

Who's fault is the routine, really? It's your choice.

Original poster
CoastOfXmasPast · 23/12/2025 21:06

@Minjou I know. I just can’t work out if I am being selfish and stupid in how I feel, and whether just going along with it has been the right thing. DH would be shocked to find out our Christmases are anything but wonderful.

Me refusing to host them would make a miserable Christmas for them all, and BIL still would not invite them anyway, and they would certainly not have invited us. How could this have been done better? I did suggest to book a meal out few times but they just laughed.

OP posts:
ChampagneLassie · 23/12/2025 21:26

Well what do you actually want to happen? Work that out then make suggestion for next year. Lunch out?

TeideHeart · 23/12/2025 21:34

I voted YABU solely because you let this happen for 20 years.

It's not like you're going to stop, either.

DH would be shocked to find out our Christmases are anything but wonderful.

This is just crazy! So not only have you gone along with it, you've never even expressed your feelings about it.

Original poster
CoastOfXmasPast · 23/12/2025 21:35

@ChampagneLassie I think I would actually like to go away but can’t leave MIL now and don’t trust BIL to step up.

OP posts:
juice92 · 23/12/2025 21:35

The time to say something would have been years ago. Even if that was 'should we do Christmas Day lunch at your house next year' or 'Brother in Law I could really do with a break next year as I find lunch etc so tiring - could we all come to yours'.

You don't know how long MIL could be around for (a relative of my Husband's lived until 99) so you could have many more of them. Maybe suggest a restaurant next year?

PullTheBricksDown · 23/12/2025 21:40

When you say 'we host..' does that actually mean you do all the work? Does your DH gets involved or just talk to his mum?

This year, at dinner, say 'we've had lovely dinners together for 20 years so next year I'm giving myself a year off cooking. Where shall I book for dinner?' And mean it.

ManyPigeons · 23/12/2025 21:41

I mean I don’t really see why you’re resentful. You didn’t ask to do anything different and Xmas is generally about family which includes his parents. After a certain age most people do not host - my in laws transitioned this to me when FIL turned 70.

If you want to change the food then do. If you and DD want to walk without MIL then do.

ManyPigeons · 23/12/2025 21:45

CoastOfXmasPast · 23/12/2025 21:06

@Minjou I know. I just can’t work out if I am being selfish and stupid in how I feel, and whether just going along with it has been the right thing. DH would be shocked to find out our Christmases are anything but wonderful.

Me refusing to host them would make a miserable Christmas for them all, and BIL still would not invite them anyway, and they would certainly not have invited us. How could this have been done better? I did suggest to book a meal out few times but they just laughed.

When they laughed you should have said ‘I mean it, I’m too tired to cook for everyone this year so it’s either eating out or not eating.’ Then you stand by it.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/12/2025 21:48

I hope your husband did the vast majority of the cooking, cleaning and hosting on the day itself?

Original poster
CoastOfXmasPast · 23/12/2025 21:51

DH cooks as in putting things in the oven and on the hob, and I help with prep and starters, we clean up together. He does the food shop too, I cannot fault him on effort. It’s just the general not being able to relax on the day, have a Christmas “off”…

OP posts:
Sassylovesbooks · 23/12/2025 22:30

Unfortunately, the time to say something was when you realised that your husband expected the same format, year in and year out. Your BIL has never bothered to host, and is never likely too either. Your FIL has passed away, so your MIL is on her own. Your MIL coming for Christmas is going to happen now, until she passes away. I don't think your husband will be open to changing the format, as he sounds rather stuck in his ways. However, if you don't say anything to him about going out for lunch next year, then he won't know how you feel and nothing has even a possibility of changing. Your husband isn't a mind reader!!

Endofyear · 23/12/2025 23:07

You should have spoken up years ago, I'm afraid. It's a bit late now when your MIL is so elderly.

fashionqueen0123 · 23/12/2025 23:16

You could still go for a walk? Surely Mil can be left alone for a bit to have a nap/watch tv

Theslummymummy · 23/12/2025 23:17

Oh what a mummy's boy

tommyhoundmum · 24/12/2025 20:13

TFImBackIn · 23/12/2025 20:49

Honestly, you're crazy to have put up with this. Why would you do that? Why didn't you leave him before the second Christmas when you realised what every Christmas would look like?

I left after realising I'd have to do a Sunday roast each week for 2pm as he arrived back from the pub hours later.

Joeninety · 24/12/2025 20:18

Sounds like a 'proper' Christmas to me. Even if it's not ideal, its only as you say for two days.

Eenameenadeeka · 24/12/2025 20:27

I think you are unreasonable to feel resentment when you've just gone along with it and said nothing.

Shortestdayyay · 24/12/2025 20:35

You could definitely have said something and change it up each year eg go out to restaurant, cook something easy, host at a different time or day, share the cooking with other family members etc. When I suggested a change from the norm with my family as it was becoming hard to be the one hosting, everyone thought it was a great idea and we all do our own thing now.

WalkDontWalk · 24/12/2025 20:52

You’d get much more sympathy here if you blamed your husband. There are posters practically begging you to.

It’s like pantomime. They need to be able to boo someone.