To have resented our Christmas routine for almost 20 years?

[CoastOfXmasPast]

Not sure why I am posting really as there is no solution to the issue now, but maybe other perspectives or straight talking are needed…

When DH and I got together, his Christmas with his family was kind of set in stone and I had to fit in. I moved into his house with my primary school age DD, he was a batchelor few years older than me and really close to his parents. It has never occurred to me to discuss how we do Christmas as new family, until it was basically stated that he goes out with FIL on Christmas Eve to the pub, Christmas morning he takes MIL to church (we were welcome to join), then PIL come to us for lunch and stay as long as they want (midnight and beyond). I was straight away resentful as I felt left behind with DD on Christmas Eve, I am not religious to go to church, so it felt like all cosiest moments of the night before and early morning we were either on our own or rushed. The hosting all day is also hard work as essentially we cook, feed, wash up, walk and later serve the buffet and then clean up again. I didn’t say anything the first year as PIL were quite domineering characters, I have no family of my own in the UK, and I just wanted harmony and for everyone to be happy, not make a fuss.

This has gone on for 19 years. FIL has passed away few years back, DD is now adult, so we spend Christmas Eve together, then host MIL. BIL has never once offered to host them, no idea why, and they have never offered to host us. It’s the same food every year as it’s traditional - because PIL set in their ways and would not eat anything off script.

Now, of course, I could have said something over the years, but I didn’t want to upset anyone and Christmas would have felt bad for everybody and I would have been the Grinch who stole it. So, once again we will be shopping and cleaning and prepping on Christmas Eve while I still work half day. MIL is no bother, but can’t go for a walk now, so we are stuck in the house all day. I say to myself it’s two days per year, suck it up, but each year I feel like a mug whilst BIL literally never offers to have them / her.

Bollocks to that. This year, announce that next year things are going to be different and state what you’re going to be doing and say anyone is welcome to join you.
(Alternatively tell them you’re going away for Christmas, that’s what I’m doing!!)

Lots of people don't enjoy Christmas and just go through the motions as they think it's nice for others. YABU not to have said anything for 20 years but I don't think expecting Christmas "off" is reasonable either. You could include foods and activities you like. Do that from now on.

Complaining about being left alone whilst others go to church is unreasonable as its literally the name of the day: Christ - mass. If someone in my family resented my tradition of going to church at Christmas they could do one.

Well things will change if DMIL gets ill/ DD has a partner or baby or any life event could change things so dont despair.
I would try to do something -take yourself for a walk, arrange to meet up with friend for a half hour break. Plan a movie you want to see. What else could you do when they’re at church - must be something ….

With your MIL being so elderly, realistically you probably won't have many Christmases left with her. Maybe try to enjoy spending time in her company while you can but think about starting some new traditions when she's no longer with you.

Yeah I agree with this. It’s probably too difficult with all the F.O.G now to stop having MIL over - but I would do everything in my power to insist the meal happens out or your DH and BIL cook it. That you can change - they will resist but you have to refuse.

So your DH will be able to cook a Christmas dinner for himself and DMIL (from what you've said). So you and DD can go out for a lunch next year. Sorted. She won't be on her own, she'll have her son.
If you don't break the cycle now, when your DD gets her own place and wants to host or has children or whatever, you won't be able to go.
Stuff BIL, he can sort himself out

I sympathise OP, I really resent our routine too but don't see a way out without upset and upheaval. I've said it annually to Dh that I hate it but nothing changes, it's an issue with both sides of the family and elderly parents. This year I got so stressed I almost had a panic attack when they went home, it's crazy it's only dinner but I have so many negative stressful moments from Christmas it seems to be cumulative and gets worse every year so I anticipate the stress and get myself worked up over nothing.

You need to start by talking to your DH now while it's fresh in your minds. It's ok to tell him you don't like it, you should trust him.

Do you not have any other family on your side? I think whatever you do, you can’t change the past so just have to accept the annoying nature of what has been. Then announce what you would like to happen next year and stick by it. You could say you are going to your own country or that you would like to have Christmas somewhere else/go on holiday/go out to eat or whatever. Or simply insist that next year your BIL hosts MIL. It’s going to cause upset and consternation. Blame the menopause and stick to your guns 😂. The alternative is saying nothing and spending the next 5-10 years exactly the same. Also bear in mind that DD as an adult may start to spend Christmas away anyway which will change the dynamic.