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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and his lack of communication

39 replies

Timetoleavefd · 23/12/2025 20:23

Apparently he booked an event for the kids and tickets to cinema just for us not the kids but then at 1pm he decided to go and get DD’s bike “fixed” (stabilisers removed not fixed) which I’ve been asking for TWO years for him to take as I refuse to do 100% of everything around the house, and teaching kids to ride the bike is one thing he should do.

I’m upset now as I got the kids ready and he didn’t return till 4pm ish by which time it’s too late to go. Now he tells me it was already too late as we should have left latest 12pm to make both things and got him to drop kids off to his parents. I’m just so upset , he does this constantly he never actually communicates with me. I was going to pick up blood test form from doctor and that’s when I realised he took the car - if he had told he he’s going to get the bike fixed I would have told him it’s ridiculous as she won’t be riding it right now and can wait till after Xmas. Also blood test horns were not important I could have picked up after Xmas but it was just one thing on my to do list and dr is around the corner and would take me 3mins max to pick up.

im so annoyed with him. If I book anything I always send a confirmation do he knows what time we leaving etc. before anyone asks of course I asked him what the plans but he was vague and I was rushing around yesterday and today getting stuff done. But had he emailed me all the confirmations I would have an idea. The kids are upset as we e been arguing all day. I feel he holidays have been wasted. Off to his bloody mothers house tomorrow then s few days later I’m back in work

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetoleavefd · 23/12/2025 20:52

.

OP posts:
Iwouldntsaythat · 23/12/2025 21:02

I feel your pain OP, I get similar batshittery from my DP such as weeding the patio instead of getting packed to go on holiday, deciding that fixing the hose attachment is top priority on Xmas eve when it has been broken all year and not needed til the summer, cutting the grass in December when the ground is so wet that it breaks the mower belt, I could go on.
Complete lack of communication required otherwise I would tell him his latest top priority really isn’t and there are 10 other jobs that do actually need doing
My psychiatrist says he could be autistic so it’s not his fault. Oh joy

HevenlyMeS · 23/12/2025 21:05

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's lack of communication & yes I completely comprehend & empathise how frustrating & upsetting this is - It's like being left in the dark & out in the cold, in limbo & you just don't know where you all stand or what's going on 🫂
Really hope you've told him how much his thoughtless lack of communication negatively affects you & your Dear Children too-You just can't be expected to read his mind
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best 💚🙏💚

Original poster
Timetoleavefd · 23/12/2025 21:07

@Iwouldntsaythat thank you and I’m sorry you also know the feeling!

I feel really guilty as we were arguing and he started crying. I don’t know if he’s autistic but I have wondered. He doesn’t seem to have any emotions unless we fighting, I was going through something recently and honestly he couldn’t care less. I feel more connection from the delivery drivers when they’ve been delivering parcels and saying “good morning” and “how are you” to me!

hes gone to sleep upset and Ive been left to deal with the kids now. I don’t know how to end this cycle. Yes I can be stubborn but after 15 years of this shit I’m tired

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetoleavefd · 23/12/2025 21:10

HevenlyMeS · 23/12/2025 21:05

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's lack of communication & yes I completely comprehend & empathise how frustrating & upsetting this is - It's like being left in the dark & out in the cold, in limbo & you just don't know where you all stand or what's going on 🫂
Really hope you've told him how much his thoughtless lack of communication negatively affects you & your Dear Children too-You just can't be expected to read his mind
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best 💚🙏💚

Thank you. I’m just fed up and I feel I went overboard with my anger today, he just showed me the cinema tickets and he spent over £40 on them! Obviously we lost the money and we are struggling financially so £40 was a huge splurge. I’m upset I can’t see this film now. I read the book ages ago and I have been so excited to watch it, I’ll have to wait till it comes out on Netflix now

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetoleavefd · 23/12/2025 21:11

I don’t understand why he just didn’t tell me the plans for today or send me the cinema confirmation.

OP posts:
Iwouldntsaythat · 23/12/2025 21:20

Timetoleavefd · 23/12/2025 21:07

@Iwouldntsaythat thank you and I’m sorry you also know the feeling!

I feel really guilty as we were arguing and he started crying. I don’t know if he’s autistic but I have wondered. He doesn’t seem to have any emotions unless we fighting, I was going through something recently and honestly he couldn’t care less. I feel more connection from the delivery drivers when they’ve been delivering parcels and saying “good morning” and “how are you” to me!

hes gone to sleep upset and Ive been left to deal with the kids now. I don’t know how to end this cycle. Yes I can be stubborn but after 15 years of this shit I’m tired

I know what you mean about lack of empathy and emotional support too. Mine is the same, always apologetic when challenged about it so I end up feeling like the evil bitch kicking the puppy but then nothing changes. It really messes with your head, doesn’t it?

IAmKerplunk · 23/12/2025 21:27

I don’t want to sound like an arse hole but were all these husbands communicative and supportive and such before marriage and kids? With hind sight my exh wasn’t and I wish to god I had noticed.

Not that that helps anyone now. Op how does he respond when you ask him why he has acted in a certain way and how he thinks it is helpful to you all as a family?

Original poster
Timetoleavefd · 23/12/2025 21:35

IAmKerplunk · 23/12/2025 21:27

I don’t want to sound like an arse hole but were all these husbands communicative and supportive and such before marriage and kids? With hind sight my exh wasn’t and I wish to god I had noticed.

Not that that helps anyone now. Op how does he respond when you ask him why he has acted in a certain way and how he thinks it is helpful to you all as a family?

He starts crying and getting upset.

Come on hindsight is good but when I was in my early 20’s you didn’t see life like you do 15 years later! I’m not the same person and neither is he. people don’t always show who they are till years later

OP posts:
Iwouldntsaythat · 23/12/2025 21:38

Timetoleavefd · 23/12/2025 21:35

He starts crying and getting upset.

Come on hindsight is good but when I was in my early 20’s you didn’t see life like you do 15 years later! I’m not the same person and neither is he. people don’t always show who they are till years later

Show quote history

True and issues aren’t so obvious until living together and sharing domestic drudgery

Blarn · 23/12/2025 21:39

Mine booked a holiday and forgot to tell me.

Original poster
Timetoleavefd · 23/12/2025 21:41

@Iwouldntsaythat exactly, we didn’t live together so he HAD to share plans of where we meeting and when otherwise I wouldn’t know where or when to turn up. I hate it when people say didn’t you see red flags, no of course I didn’t as there weren’t any to see then.

I feel really bad as he’s gone to bed upset but I’m still really angry about the £40 wasted, I don’t know how to just get over it, it’s not the first time either I’m just fed up. I actually want to be back in work which is strange as I hate work

OP posts:
Cluborange666 · 23/12/2025 21:41

My DH is Audhd and does all this stuff and is an appalling communicator. You have my sympathy. It’s really stressful. Like others, I get angry, he gets sad but nothing changes. I’ve realised that my MIL is autistic and so is my eldest son. I have so much to deal with 😭

Cluborange666 · 23/12/2025 21:43

Also, btw, I think a lot of autistic men mask at the start, get married then give in to the silence and introversion when they are “safe.”

Original poster
Timetoleavefd · 23/12/2025 21:44

@Cluborange666 sorry to hear this, I think I take it personally as I feel it’s me and if I was any other girl he would treat her better. I think I need to understand him better but he’s so closed off. We don’t even have sex which upsets me. He just stopped after our youngest was conceived as we only planned 2 kids. I’ve told him it upsets me but he still makes no effort. There’s been no kissing or cuddling for over 7 years now

OP posts:
IAmKerplunk · 23/12/2025 21:44

Timetoleavefd · 23/12/2025 21:35

He starts crying and getting upset.

Come on hindsight is good but when I was in my early 20’s you didn’t see life like you do 15 years later! I’m not the same person and neither is he. people don’t always show who they are till years later

Show quote history

Oh I’m not having a go - I look back and cringe at what I tolerated 20 years ago. I just wanted to ask (probably clumsily) if he had always been like this or if it’s a new thing

Iwouldntsaythat · 23/12/2025 21:47

Cluborange666 · 23/12/2025 21:43

Also, btw, I think a lot of autistic men mask at the start, get married then give in to the silence and introversion when they are “safe.”

Yep, I wouldn’t have put up with this type of shit when we were first dating.
Does it make it any easier to bear by knowing that he can’t help it because he is autistic?

IAmKerplunk · 23/12/2025 21:47

When he has stopped crying does he come to you and discuss how both of you both of you move forward so you don’t have these same issues in the future or does him being being upset shut down all communication about resolving issues?

HevenlyMeS · 23/12/2025 21:52

Yes completely concur with you 💚
One piece of advice my father used to tell me was "If you want to know me, come live with me" I'm not sure if this is an Irish old fashioned saying, but I know with wisdom, hindsight & maturity he was telling me that I would not know my fiance, completely, until I actually lived with him 🫂
Oftentimes our partners simply do most surely, show just their best sides, before we agree to marrying them, so true 💚🫂💚

Original poster
Timetoleavefd · 23/12/2025 22:00

He just shuts down after any conversation, I think that’s why it leads to arguments as he ignores me (or I perceive it as ignoring) then it ends up as fighting

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 23/12/2025 22:03

Bloody useless. Why are you with him?

Life is wonderful as a single mum. No adult kid who hasn't grown up around.

Iwouldntsaythat · 23/12/2025 22:06

suburberphobe · 23/12/2025 22:03

Bloody useless. Why are you with him?

Life is wonderful as a single mum. No adult kid who hasn't grown up around.

Not very helpful

PTSDBarbiegirl · 23/12/2025 22:08

Could he be clinically depressed and have processing or communication difficulties as well. He was wanting to create a nice experience for you but ultimately not being able to execute or organise the plan and is overwhelmed with the sense of failure when it leads to an argument and more upset. I’d be inclined to buy a hard copy family calendar instead of emailing each other. Put it somewhere central he may be someone who needs to see the steps needed to organise anything, timelines etc. Minimising distant communication (emailing) and engage in face to face speaking then writing things on your calendar together. Probably best to move on, do something simple together and reconnect.

IAmKerplunk · 23/12/2025 22:09

Iwouldntsaythat · 23/12/2025 22:06

Not very helpful

Show quote history

I think it is helpful for the op to consider why she is with him. I’m sure there are many positives the op could list about him. But this is a big issue for her.

Op - Have you told him that by not communicating he is killing your marriage? And that it is not an example you want to set your dc?

Mullaghanish · 23/12/2025 22:11

There’s a support group for diagnosed or undiagnosed partners of autistic people on the Meetup app.. and it’s very supportive.. I recognise some of what you say in my relationship.. I like to argue by Text cause it takes the emotion out of it and I get to see what I want to say.

If I was you, I think I’d ring the cinema and tell them a kid started vomiting as you were going out at the door and you didn’t make it and could they give you other tickets? Sure, it’s worth a shot…