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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dilemma

30 replies

Girlmum72 · 23/12/2025 17:00

Hey
First time posting and looking for some advice.
Mil is always making excuses as to why she can't visit mainly due to not being able to leave her pet. We can't visit her as my children are afraid of her pet that she hasn't trained.
Mil booked a meal for us and SIL and her children bearing in mind SIL never bothers with our children to the point we haven't seen her in years this being since I stopped making the effort as it was always one sided with myself offering to visit etc.
MIL has booked a meal for all of us, my husband, children, herself, her partner, SIL and her children. Am I being unreasonable to not attend this meal considering I've made countless efforts for MIL to visit and it's always thrown back at me as well as SIL never having anything to do with us.
Partner is saying he's fed up that we see my family but they make the effort. Feeling fed up and deflated by it all.

OP posts:
TinselTitts · 23/12/2025 17:02

No, just stay home and let your DH go with the kids.

Isit2026yet · 23/12/2025 17:02

@Girlmum72 would it really be the end of the world to go to the meal?

TinselTitts · 23/12/2025 17:03

SIL never bothers with our children to the point we haven't seen her in years this being since I stopped making the effort as it was always one sided with myself offering to visit etc.

Why were you making all the effort to visit your husband's sister with the kids anyway?

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 23/12/2025 17:04

Looks like an attempt at peace- making to me.

CatherinedeBourgh · 23/12/2025 17:04

I don't see the problem. They booked a meal, you just have to show up.

Sure, you will never have a close relationship with them, but you can have a casual one. You aren't really being asked to make an effort, so don't make one. But deliberately not going to the meal (which unless there is something you are not disclosing like it being a million miles away is not much of an effort) would be an unnecessary and deliberate snub, and putting yourself in the wrong.

RendeersDancingTowardsChristmas · 23/12/2025 17:05

Just go. MIL has actually made an effort to get the family together.

ItIsNotTheDog · 23/12/2025 17:06

So she has finally made the effort and then it is not good enough?

Poms · 23/12/2025 17:07

Do you mean your DH and DC still go? I think that would be fine.

HappyToSmile · 23/12/2025 17:10

Are we missing a lot of context? Your MIL never makes an effort, but now she has, you don't want to go?
Why not just go, be polite, and come home. No one is expecting you all to be best friends.
And does DH have a point? You do a lot with your family, but nothing with his?

Anywherebuthere · 23/12/2025 17:11

Your MIL may not be visiting you but she does seem to be trying in this instance. She has booked a meal for you all.

But you are choosing not to accept the effort she is making to get everyone together. You can't say she doesn't make the effort and then refuse when she does.

JLou08 · 23/12/2025 17:11

YABU. MILs making the effort. SiL not being interested in you has nothing to do with it, MIL arranged it. It is your DHs family, not yours. The only time you should be cutting contact against DHs wishes is when they have been abusive, otherwise you just grin and bear it for your spouse.

PullingOutHair123 · 23/12/2025 17:12

It's one meal. I would go. Your kids will probably appreciate your attention, especially if your SIL will ignore them.

Assuming they are not actively mean or nasty - from what you've written they seem just uninterested - which maybe they are trying to change. Who knows.

greenwithglee · 23/12/2025 17:13

Damned because they dont make an effort, damned when they do....

Coulddowithanap · 23/12/2025 17:13

I think you should go.

Wishimaywishimight · 23/12/2025 17:18

ItIsNotTheDog · 23/12/2025 17:06

So she has finally made the effort and then it is not good enough?

You complain they make no effort yet when an effort is made you stamp your foot and say "won't go" like a child 🙄

Shedmistress · 23/12/2025 17:20

You are an adult, it should not be beyond you to go and sit down to a meal witb your partners family.

4forksache · 23/12/2025 17:20

Do it for your partner rather than them. He obviously wants you all to go.

blooooooor · 23/12/2025 17:21

She can’t come to you and you can’t come to her. She made alternative arrangements to meet outside the house - what’s the problem ?

firstofallimadelight · 23/12/2025 17:24

She is making an effort. This is what you wanted. I’d just go.

JudgeBread · 23/12/2025 17:26

Oh stop playing the martyr and just go, for goodness sake.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 23/12/2025 17:26

It sounds like you’re looking for an excuse not to go, tbh.

Can’t really see the issue with it; she’s making the effort you said you wanted

TomatoSandwiches · 23/12/2025 17:37

She seems to have found a way so you can all meet up, I would go and accept that this is probably how it will be until the dog pops its clogs.

Happyjoe · 23/12/2025 17:40

I would go, and see how it goes as it sounds like this has never been done before. You may be pleasantly surprised if they all make an effort. If they don't, it's hard work and you hate every moment then just don't go again if asked.
It's just a few hours of your time and hopefully hubby will appreciate it if nothing else.

JustMyView13 · 23/12/2025 17:43

I’d go.
It’s just a meal.
If you stay in this continuous state of rejecting each others olive branches then the relationships will entirely collapse. 1 meal in however long is surely manageable.

Endofyear · 23/12/2025 17:46

It's one meal - surely you can sit through a couple of hours with them for your husband's sake?

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