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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No contact - I think it’s time

32 replies

pilsner · 23/12/2025 16:43

My mother has made my life absolute hell. Since being a child - but now I’m an adult and I’m not fully in her “control” it’s awful.

she goes in huffs with me, ignores me for months and says it’s in my head, every significant life event, think graduation, marriage, child birth etc she stops talking to me. I lost a child at 22 weeks - my next child I was terrified of losing in pregnancy and needed her, she shut me out and when I called her breaking my heart she would say “my signal is bad” and hang up. She then weasels her way back in because I’m so desperate for my mum to like me. She tries to financially worm her way in by treating me to lunches or helping with childcare and I think “this is it, she’s changed!” and then throws it in my face that I am ungrateful and “take” if I dare disagree with an opinion of hers.

i am convinced my dad is scared of her.

she’s ignored me all week when I’ve asked when we can exchange Xmas gifts (because I’m no longer invited on Christmas Eve which has always been tradition). Then randomly texted my today saying she would come to my house for 3. I changed my plans. Called her at 2 to say I was passing hers going home - should I just pop in. All hell broke loose “I’m at yours now and you’re not here… I have things to do I can’t and won’t wait” (it would take me 10 mins to get home. Husband was in and his car on the drive she didn’t knock and go in. Spoke to me like shit and will probably now ignore me for the next month. Left kids gifts and called back to say she wouldn’t leave mine (fine)

I can’t continue this cycle of shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
pilsner · 23/12/2025 16:44

i am scared that cutting her off will also cut my dad out. But he INFURIATES me for not standing up for us / himself / against her

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/12/2025 16:47

she won’t change. You deserve better. Your dad is letting her abuse you.

DontGoJasonWaterfalls · 23/12/2025 16:48

Go no contact. The relief you'll feel will be enormous.

I understand your concerns about your dad, but he is also an adult and has to make his own decisions. He has to decide whether his fear of her or loyalty to her is greater than his commitment to you - and, as painful as it is, if he chooses her then you have your answer.

Do not maintain contact with someone who deliberately manufactures situations and opportunities to hurt you, for the sake of someone who won't defend you from them.

Thirstygherkin · 23/12/2025 16:48

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Cherrysoup · 23/12/2025 16:48

I feel your pain and have never cut contact due to not wanting to lose my dad, who never stood up to her. You can minimise contact and strengthen your boundaries, no tolerating her nonsense, but you will risk her refusing to speak to you and your dad backing her up. I had so many ‘not speaking’ incidents over the years but now I tell her straight and won’t put up with her shit.

Why on earth wouldn’t she just knock on the door when your DH’s car was there?!

Thirstygherkin · 23/12/2025 16:49

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StabbyCat · 23/12/2025 16:49

Ditch the bitch.

Middlemarch123 · 23/12/2025 16:54

Your dad’s enabling her. He’s been abused like you. It’s horrible, been in your shoes, the pain is horrible and the scars deep. Cut her off, I didn’t and regret it every day. You have your own family, prioritise them and yourself x

Original poster
pilsner · 23/12/2025 16:54

I genuinely think she turned up early hoping nobody would be there so she could say she was outside

OP posts:
DontGoJasonWaterfalls · 23/12/2025 16:58

pilsner · 23/12/2025 16:54

I genuinely think she turned up early hoping nobody would be there so she could say she was outside

She absolutely did. You've been conditioned to be obedient to her, which makes it harder to find fault with you, so she manufactures situations to cast you as the villain and herself as the wronged victim. There must be some kind of toxic parent guidebook because it sounds like she's doing it to a tee.

nutbrownhare15 · 23/12/2025 17:00

I'm really sorry OP. All you can do is exert reasonable boundaries with both your parents. If they don't respect these then it is their actions which lead to the lack of contact not yours.

Original poster
pilsner · 23/12/2025 17:07

It’s my child being sad in the car thinking they were going to see her today that’s tipped me over. Why the f would someone treat another person this way

OP posts:
Poms · 23/12/2025 17:08

Yanbu. But your dad is part of the problem here, in failing to stand up for you he is complicit.

SilentNight2025 · 23/12/2025 17:10

I would silently cut all contact with her now. Enough is enough.

You can maintain a relationship with your dad just away from your mum.

DancingLions · 23/12/2025 17:12

I always kept in loose contact with my mother so as not to upset other family members. But I've had some health concerns this year and it hit me that she could outlive me! And I suddenly realised that I need some years of peace. I thought I could just hold out till she dies, as awful as that sounds but I can't. I want to live without her. I've gone NC and its like a huge weight has been lifted.

Do what's right for you. How that affects your dad is on him. He cant be so blind as to not be able to see how she treats you.

HisNibs · 23/12/2025 17:13

pilsner · 23/12/2025 17:07

It’s my child being sad in the car thinking they were going to see her today that’s tipped me over. Why the f would someone treat another person this way

And there is probably the most important reason you should tell her to fuck off and drop contact... She is perfectly prepared and willing to do the same shit to your children. Protect them OP. Your mother doing this to you is a good enough reason for NC but fucking around with your children's emotions... screw that. If your father cares enough about you, he'll make contact.

Itiswhysofew · 23/12/2025 17:15

She's not the best example of a mother. You would not be unreasonable to have no contact with her. Your DF will just have to grow a spine if he wants to see you, going forward.

I know a dad who never stood up to his overbearing wife, and she had a huge detrimental impact on the life of 3 of their children with her antics.

somanychristmaslights · 23/12/2025 17:16

Yes I would cut her off. What joy is she bringing to your life? Absolutely nothing. You need to protect yourself and the rest of your family. She wants a reaction from you all the time, and you’re giving it to her. If you still want a relationship with your dad then see him separately. But I doubt he’ll be bothered to be honest based on how he seems to have behaved so far.

UnhappyHobbit · 23/12/2025 17:18

I’m a bit on the fence myself with “no contact” with my own mother. So I’ve rephrased it in my head to “low contact”. It’s not easy to fully cut a family member off so I would recommend taking baby steps and setting those boundaries.

Original poster
pilsner · 23/12/2025 17:19

Seeing him separately isn’t really an option. When we’ve been through the motions of her ignoring me before I will reach out to him and ask to visit, him come to me (we both drive and only like 15 mins apart), meet for coffee etc he says “I’ll speak to your mum”. He’s terrified of pissing her off.

OP posts:
Original poster
pilsner · 23/12/2025 17:19

He literally cut HIS entire family off because she didn’t get on with them.

OP posts:
Sneesellsseashells · 23/12/2025 17:22

Her behaviour is incredibly self centred and emotionally unstable. That is really hard to exist around and when it happens in childhood children have to develop around it as you’ve experienced yourself. You end up walking on eggshells and trying to earn her love. It is an endless cycle of dysfunction as you are finding out. You can only figure out your side of the dysfunction and start to change it.

DontGoJasonWaterfalls · 23/12/2025 17:47

pilsner · 23/12/2025 17:07

It’s my child being sad in the car thinking they were going to see her today that’s tipped me over. Why the f would someone treat another person this way

Your parents have failed to put you first - your mother through her behaviour, your father through not protecting you from it.

You get to break that cycle; it's one of the most empowering and rewarding things you'll ever do as a parent. You get to take their power away so they don't get to make your child be sad anymore.

When we went no contact, DD was sad for a short time. Over time that faded, and as she grew up more and more we were able to explain to her why we are no contact and she is grateful to us for making that decision.

Happyjoe · 23/12/2025 17:47

If your dad is strong enough, he will find a way to have a relationship with you regardless. But, you may find he is not. My own dad was similar sounding to your mum and in the end I walked away. Sadly mum, who'd I had always been close to also stopped communication. It wasn't until mum became sick that we spoke again after 7 years.
It's horrible, I thought of little else for the first few months but it got easier and the negativity and manipulation was gone, a real sense of relief. It's not easy walking away, but ultimately you need to look after yourself.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 23/12/2025 17:49

Do not maintain contact with someone who deliberately manufactures situations and opportunities to hurt you, for the sake of someone who won't defend you from them.

Brilliantly put, @DontGoJasonWaterfalls !

When we go no contact, there's always a risk that someone/ some people will be lost along with the person we actually want to protect ourselves from. It's the luck of the draw; but it makes people show you their true colours, which can be useful (as well as disappointing or infuriating).