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Original poster

Help with step kids

36 replies

Muminneedofhelp1989 · 23/12/2025 14:17

Help

I need peoples opinions/advice/help

On sunday I met my partners children for the first time. They are 2 and 6 years old. His little girl (aged 2) instantly took a shine to me, which tbh I’m not surprised about. I have a 4 year old niece and I’m very girly, I’m extremely animated and enthusiastic and enjoyed playing dollies with her and reading books to her etc. His son (aged 6) is autistic so not as social as the little girl but actually loved the game I got him for christmas, I made sure to get his favourite snacks in (oreos) so it was a hit with him too. I really loved having his kids around

I have twin boys that are nearly 16 years old, they also loved having the kids around, they were super excited to meet them. They’ve always wanted a little sister in particular so it’s like a little bonus. She’s quite wary around men and my boys are 6ft 3 and look like men but she instantly took a shine to them. The 6 year old also instantly took a shine to them and was sat in their rooms gaming with them and talking about pokemon etc. It really could not have gone better.

The issue came later on in the day. I’m struggling with fatigue and extremely low blood pressure atm so I’m getting worn out very easily and instantly feel unwell. His son was on his ipad and watching these videos on youtube. It’s difficult to explain the content of these videos other than they are just … noise. Like layer of noise that include an unrelated song, a bunch of sound effects and people shouting over each other. It’s also important to mention I have adhd (I am medicated, but still figuring out the right dose of lisdexamphetamine)
I mentioned to my partner that I was feeling a little overwhelmed and might need to take myself upstairs for a bit. By that point it was 7.30pm and he decided he was going to take them home instead and put them to bed (they fell asleep in the car)
The issue comes in that when he said that he went upstairs to pack his stuff up to go. He ended up taking HALF AN HOUR to gather his stuff up, brush his teeth, have a shower… and doomscroll on instagram for a bit…
Meanwhile I’m downstairs with the kids, feeling ill and overwhelmed with the noise of his sons ipad (I am fully aware and accepting though that with his autism these videos soothe him)

I have spoken to my partner since and told him that in those moments I need him to understand that I might need to remove myself from the situation if I get overwhelmed and that it doesn’t mean I love him and his kids any less. I just need to manage my own neurodivergence on my own. He’s absolutely fine with that. However I’m worried that this is a red flag for things to come. That I’m going to be expected to look after his small children while he doomscrolls upstairs. While I’m not being funny but my kids are older now and I feel like I’ve done my dues

What should I do? Is this a red flag? Should I talk to him? Should I wait to see how things develop? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
WasThatACorner · 23/12/2025 14:41

You don't want to do the heavy lifting of parenting again (fair enough) and he has 2 kids one of whom is ND, that sounds like a reason to reconsider to me.

But yes, your first time meeting his kids and he has sat scrolling on Instagram is a huge red flag. He's going to take you for a mug.

13RidgmontRoad · 23/12/2025 14:43

A bit red-flaggy. But also, a hugely full on day for six people who have never met before! Slow right down. Less risk of overwhelm for you, more chance to reflect.

Iloveshihtzus · 23/12/2025 14:51

Why were his kids with you for so long? Why were they all at your home? First meeting should have been very short, at a park or something

Why were you left alone to mind his 2 DC the first time you met them, while he had a shower?????

Why do you say partner - how long have you been dating?
Honestly, there are so many red flags here, it’s like a Communist parade.

Split up or go back to dating. This will only get harder.
His son is ND and your children are nearly raised, why would you set yourself up
for this?

greenwithglee · 23/12/2025 14:53

"it doesn’t mean I love him and his kids any less"

You don't love his kids at all. You've met them once. Using language like this undermines your position because you aren't making any decision around his kids with "love".

InterIgnis · 23/12/2025 14:54

Run. He’s not even trying to pretend that he’s not going to treat you as his childcare.

Purplewarrior · 23/12/2025 14:55

I would run a mile from your situation OP, sorry.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2025 14:58

Iloveshihtzus · 23/12/2025 14:51

Why were his kids with you for so long? Why were they all at your home? First meeting should have been very short, at a park or something

Why were you left alone to mind his 2 DC the first time you met them, while he had a shower?????

Why do you say partner - how long have you been dating?
Honestly, there are so many red flags here, it’s like a Communist parade.

Split up or go back to dating. This will only get harder.
His son is ND and your children are nearly raised, why would you set yourself up
for this?

All of this. Be very careful.

RealEagle · 23/12/2025 15:00

Why did he need a shower ,if they came for the day?

ItsDarkNow · 23/12/2025 15:00

Why was his 6 year old son in your sons’ bedroom gaming with them?

Underthewychwoodtree · 23/12/2025 15:02

I think you've had a taste of things to come @Muminneedofhelp1989

You need to decide if you can handle it or not. Sounds like it's going to be a massive challenge for you long term and it won't be good for the kids either. Kids do pick up on problems from adults.

Sadly a lot of men are looking for a nanny with benefits but don't advertise the fact until the woman has got emotionally invested

Personally for my own mental wellbeing in your shoes I would rethink the long term potential of this situation and date someone with much older kids and you won't be put in this position.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2025 15:04

Think it was an audition. You probably passed but the shower means he probably failed.

BlackCatFanClub · 23/12/2025 15:06

You’ve raised your boys and I would think carefully if you want to do it all again, because you will. It’s clear by the threads on here that men think you automatically want to be caregiver because you are female, no question.
I think you need to decide and tell him now. He needs to know if you aren’t prepared to do this for him because you will.

Passaggressfedup · 23/12/2025 15:07

It doesn't seem right that he would leave his kids alone with you the first time they are meeting you even for half an hour and him upstairs.

It also doesn't seem right that on the first day of meeting his children, you should be so involved and offering them Christmas presents.

Don't rey to buy their love, it will only backfire at some point. How long have you been together?

Scarlettpixie · 23/12/2025 15:07

You don't love his kids if you have only met them once.

This was way too long for a first visit. Ideally, introductions should be much more gradual and they would meet you first and then your kids.

How long have you been seeing each other. I get the feeling this is a bit rushed.

Why did he need to go for a shower before taking them home?

Yes taking himself off upstairs for half an hour at your house when you have only met them today and had already told him you were in need of some space is a red flag.

Friedshed · 23/12/2025 15:23

To be honest both of you sound like red flags. Him for all the reasons listed, you for calling them your stepkids, "your sons always wanting a sister so it's like a little bonus", saying you love them after the first time you've met them

Bellyblueboy · 23/12/2025 15:30

greenwithglee · 23/12/2025 14:53

"it doesn’t mean I love him and his kids any less"

You don't love his kids at all. You've met them once. Using language like this undermines your position because you aren't making any decision around his kids with "love".

I was about to post this.

it all sounds very intense - poor kids. Meeting girlfriend and two sons for a big long visit all at once. Girlfriend thinks she lives there children when she has only met them once. Oh dear - this will end in tears

WelshRabBite · 23/12/2025 15:30

Think about this realistically; when you have grown and (almost) flown children you’re usually at a time of life where you want to indulge in cheaper holidays during school term time, lie ins, eating grown up meals at grown up times, no more school runs, packed lunches, supervision of little ones, child-proofing, homework helping, nits, playground spats, tantrums, sloooow walking, cold and wet playground visits etc.

This was the FIRST time you met his kids and he already pushed boundaries by making you watch them for half an hour while he had leisurely time for himself, knowing you were feeling ill. This was AFTER you and your DC had entertained his DC for much of the day, when he doesn’t even have his kids full time 🤦🏻‍♀️

He is setting you up to be a nanny with a fanny. Date him, fine. Without seeing his DC, or ever babysitting them, doing school runs etc. But I bet if you tell him that’s your boundary, he will push back and hard, because he wants a gf who is also free labour.

Today makes that obvious.

Bellyblueboy · 23/12/2025 15:32

And step kids?? You have met them once. They aren’t your step kids.

you are very intensely over invested in this

Alexadidzammomarryjackie · 23/12/2025 15:41

As a parent, how would you feel if a random woman spent the day looking after your toddler and saying she "loved" her and that she was her DC's new little sister? Far too much, too fast. And if you can't cope for a day, it won't get easier, he sounds like he'll be trying to move them all in asap to get childcare. It would be a no from me on many levels.

ArcticGrass · 23/12/2025 15:41

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2025 15:04

Think it was an audition. You probably passed but the shower means he probably failed.

Do you want to be a nanny to 2 small children. And how long has he been split from the mum? And 'love' bit soon eh? really. Slow down and tbh...back off completely and see what happens. I suspect he'll move on to the next nanny.

harriethoyle · 23/12/2025 15:44

You sound utterly OTT. They're not your step kids. You've met them once. You shouldn't have had them at your house. You cannot possibly love them having only just met them. Your boyfriend's child is NOT your sons "little sister" (WTF?!)

Back right off and stop being so bizarre in your behaviour.

NerrSnerr · 23/12/2025 15:48

How long have you been together?

They’re not your step kids and you don’t love them as you’ve met them once.

Swiftie1878 · 23/12/2025 15:53

Tbh, there’s a lot to unpick in your post. The whole thing sounds VERY full-on for a first meeting. I’d dial it back (a lot!) if I were you.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/12/2025 15:56

He ended up taking HALF AN HOUR to gather his stuff up, brush his teeth, have a shower

Why on earth was he having a shower at yours?! Hadn't they come for the day?

Way too much, way too soon.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/12/2025 16:00

There is no way on earth that if my children were on the cusp of adulthood I’d have a partner who has a 2 year old. I find it staggering that you’d do that to yourself. If he’s a decent dad, he’d have them a lot of the time, which means you’re not doing adult stuff for ten years plus. God, no thanks. Sounds horrendous and it blows my mind any adult would choose that over being single/just dating when the kids aren’t there.

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