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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often do you meet up with friends?

34 replies

Thundertoast · 22/12/2025 17:38

Couple friends of ours are very sociable, will happily have socialising plans 6-8 times a week, mix of weekend and midweek.
We are sociable but just less so! We need recharge time from work, due to our personalities/jobs. Average of 1-3 plans a week, id say. Mostly weekend. We love it when we have no plans and can have a day to ourselves doing something spontaneously, other couple have said things that lead me to believe they both feel a bit like its a 'wasted' day when that happens. We are happy with booking things months in advance, or 'free for coffee today' plans. Not fussy.
Neither of us have kids, all of us have other friends/families/hobbies/pets that take up our time.
Disposable income - ours is more tied up than theirs, so about twice a year we will have to say no to something because we already have it allocated to x social occasions coming up and will suggest a cheaper meetup.
Myself and the woman of this couple are in a group chat with another friend which we all chat in probably... 3/4 days a week? All reply the same amount, show interest in other people's lives etc, nice and friendly. Meetup just the women probably 4-6 times a year.
This couple do suggest to meetup slightly more than we do, simply because its their main... hobby, i guess you could call it! Whereas we have a few other things occupying our brainspace too, life wise. But I think we are unavailable for their suggested dates more than they are for ours, simply due to other commitments, so it probably feels like more on our end? We always suggest alternatives dates, which often they cant do because they are busy, or suggest cheaper meetups if the plans are out of our budget.
All this to say, we see then probably once a month, sometimes more sometimes less, for example we had a gap of 2 months in the summer then saw them twice in a month.

This seems fairly normal to me... but they've been making 'subtle' barbed comments for a while that we dont see each other enough, or dont make the effort (I can 100% say for certain that we do make the effort, but will own up to the fact its probably 60/40 to them as they will often suggest the next meetup while we are in the middle of one)

So, thoughts?
I think we meet up a decent amount, I can see how they might think they make more effort to make plans than us,butt when they do its because they are making the next plans mid-meetup (great! Just not something we think to do very often)
Happy to be told im wrong on this, im just getting very tired of the barbed comments and wanted to make sure ive considered all perspectives before I approach them to see whats going on.

OP posts:
grinchmcgrinchface · 22/12/2025 17:40

6-8 times a week?! Are they retired or have no jobs or something? Sod that.

blankcanvas3 · 22/12/2025 17:42

6-8 times a week?! I see my closest friend at most twice a week, then everybody else close by once or twice a month!

TeaRoseTallulah · 22/12/2025 17:45

I see friends once or twice a week .

6-8 x a week is surely a typo?!

SausageRoll2020 · 22/12/2025 17:46

6-8 times a week?
Are they retired? Do they not like spending time together as just the two of them?

Original poster
Thundertoast · 22/12/2025 17:48

I've just had to think to see if thats exaggerating, and maybe 6ish is slightly more 'accurate' (i think I amalgamated the plans they do separately in this number) so I'll update that actually!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thundertoast · 22/12/2025 17:49

Oh I cant update!

For anyone reading - 6ish is probably more accurate but they've had weeks where they have plans every nights and at least twice in the daytime in that week too. Even if thats just grabbing a coffee with someone.

OP posts:
HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 22/12/2025 17:51

Me alone maybe twice/3 times a week and then with dh once every 3 weeks lol. Too busy for more.

Original poster
Thundertoast · 22/12/2025 17:52

SausageRoll2020 · 22/12/2025 17:46

6-8 times a week?
Are they retired? Do they not like spending time together as just the two of them?

I didnt want to put this in, as i didnt think its for me to really cast judgement on, but I think there may be an element of this - they do spend time just the two of them, but I have noticed if they meet up with us in the evening and they've spent the day only with each other the mood is a little grumpy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thundertoast · 22/12/2025 17:52

And no, not retired. Both full time. One fully WFH, but a social job, one partial WFH.

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 22/12/2025 17:53

Wow, I feel very hard done by! I get to meet up with my best friend once every few months as I’m working so much.
I do see other friends at least 4x a week as well all go to the same gym.

Sheggsie · 22/12/2025 17:54

I’m exhausted just thinking about all that meeting up!

familyissues12345 · 22/12/2025 17:55

Probably 3-4 times a month? I work part time so have a couple of extra days off a week, probably meet friends for coffee most weeks and maybe one evening a month for a meal

zipadeedodah · 22/12/2025 17:57

Single with a group of single friends but work full time.

We meet up for brunch every saturday morning and go out for cocktails one night mid-week then a meal or the cinema at the week-end.

Purplewarrior · 22/12/2025 18:02

I am fairly unsociable and introverted and meet up with friends an average of twice a month.

mondaytosunday · 22/12/2025 18:03

not now but before I moved I’d say I met friends two to three times a week and that felt like plenty. I do have kids so there was also their friends on occasion. Often a workman about (had a big old period property which was like painting the Forth Bridge. Now I’ve moved I only meet up with (different) friends about once or twice a month and also see my old friends about once a month.

TheTowerAtMidnight · 22/12/2025 18:08

I'm single so not quite the same scenario as having couple friends, but I'm lucky if I can meet up with each of my various friends/friend groups once every couple of months! I definitely think they're being unreasonable suggesting they don't see you enough.

overmyherd · 22/12/2025 18:10

We all live quite far away so a couple of times a year, but we talk every day. My best friend lives just under an hour away, I see her every couple of months.

Nosejobnelly · 22/12/2025 18:13

Even before dc I’d only go out maybe 1 to 2 week night and 2 weekend nights. One of them would be a hobby/exercise class.

DarkPassenger1 · 22/12/2025 18:38

Wow, that's an amazing amount of meetups on your friends' behalf!

I would say I probably meet up with a friend around once per week on average, but I have quite a lot of different friends rather than one big group, so for each individual friend I probably see them between a couple times per month and once every few months, and that feels like just right. Some weeks of course I don't see friends at all. I'm busy with work and my own family.

I used to have a few friends like yours who would want to meet up constantly, that by itself isn't an issue but the problem was the barbed comments you describe. I'd hear things like 'oh it's such a shame we didn't get to see you before trip/move, never mind, maybe next time', really guilt trippy stuff where they'd express displeasure I hadn't been free to see them even if I was clearly extremely busy (80hr per week job plus studying at that time). Once we stayed over from around 4pm on a Sat, and wanted to leave around 11am Sunday. On the drive home I got a barbed message saying 'did partner have a good time? They seemed pretty itchy to leave. Husband worked really hard on that meal. I hope next time you won't feel in as much of a rush to go'

That was the last straw for me. We'd gone, as invited, spent nineteen hours there, contributed to the meal, brought gifts, been good guests, and because the next day we wanted to get home by mid-afternoon cos we had studying to do, they got in a snit about it. I couldn't cope anymore and blocked them for good.

I love my friends deeply and make a lot of effort to nurture friendships, arrange meet ups, keep in touch, at a pace that suits us both. But I can't be doing with that endless guilty sense that I'm somehow failing by not seeing them as much as they want. They were quite lonely except for me/my ex I think and put way too much emphasis on us, whereas we had a bigger group and were much busier.

In your shoes it's only you that knows whether you can stomach the comments or not, for me I would start to feel resentful and pressured and I don't think friendship can flourish like that. Imagine being sat around having a couple drinks knowing you're only there to avoid them getting in a huff. It's no way to live.

mydogisanidiott · 22/12/2025 18:50

Wow- I need to get out more.

vanillalattes · 22/12/2025 18:53

About once a week. I could go more but frankly I can't be arsed.

HollyhockDays · 22/12/2025 18:57

About twice a month maybe? We have one or two other “couple” friends who we see maybe two three times a year.

DH is a lot more sociable than me and frequently meets friends for coffee.

Original poster
Thundertoast · 22/12/2025 23:44

DarkPassenger1 · 22/12/2025 18:38

Wow, that's an amazing amount of meetups on your friends' behalf!

I would say I probably meet up with a friend around once per week on average, but I have quite a lot of different friends rather than one big group, so for each individual friend I probably see them between a couple times per month and once every few months, and that feels like just right. Some weeks of course I don't see friends at all. I'm busy with work and my own family.

I used to have a few friends like yours who would want to meet up constantly, that by itself isn't an issue but the problem was the barbed comments you describe. I'd hear things like 'oh it's such a shame we didn't get to see you before trip/move, never mind, maybe next time', really guilt trippy stuff where they'd express displeasure I hadn't been free to see them even if I was clearly extremely busy (80hr per week job plus studying at that time). Once we stayed over from around 4pm on a Sat, and wanted to leave around 11am Sunday. On the drive home I got a barbed message saying 'did partner have a good time? They seemed pretty itchy to leave. Husband worked really hard on that meal. I hope next time you won't feel in as much of a rush to go'

That was the last straw for me. We'd gone, as invited, spent nineteen hours there, contributed to the meal, brought gifts, been good guests, and because the next day we wanted to get home by mid-afternoon cos we had studying to do, they got in a snit about it. I couldn't cope anymore and blocked them for good.

I love my friends deeply and make a lot of effort to nurture friendships, arrange meet ups, keep in touch, at a pace that suits us both. But I can't be doing with that endless guilty sense that I'm somehow failing by not seeing them as much as they want. They were quite lonely except for me/my ex I think and put way too much emphasis on us, whereas we had a bigger group and were much busier.

In your shoes it's only you that knows whether you can stomach the comments or not, for me I would start to feel resentful and pressured and I don't think friendship can flourish like that. Imagine being sat around having a couple drinks knowing you're only there to avoid them getting in a huff. It's no way to live.

This resonates a lot with me, except they have a bigger circle than we do! And ours is a perfectly normal size i think! Im very similar in that i have lots of individual friends rather than a big group, and none of my other friends have a problem with how much we meet up (that they have vocalised) and I meet up with them much less than this couple..

You are very right, I feel like I made plans a couple of times lately to stop the comments rather than actually wanting to hang out with them - also the comments make me actively not want to be around them, and also makes me feel a bit annoyed- I have a parent who uses guilt trips a lot, which they know about, so it feels a bit like... im being used to fill time, rather than them caring about me as a person.

OP posts:
IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 22/12/2025 23:46

Once every three months or so.

BarbaraVineFan · 22/12/2025 23:47

Gosh. I only meet up with friends once a month at the most, I would say. But I’m a single parent and work full time, so it’s not very easy for me. Plus, I have a very busy people-focused job, so I treasure my time alone!

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