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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to cancel going to my SIL next Christmas

27 replies

RobEmily · 22/12/2025 13:57

My Nan very sadly and unexpectedly died last night so my mum understandably does not want to do Christmas. She was meant to be hosting, so we are going to sort something out at home with our kids and my FIL just us as we have to still do Christmas for the kids.

I said to my husband it is making me feel even guiltier that we are going to see his sister abroad next Christmas, which my parents don’t currently know. My dad is poorly, and my brother who doesn’t know we are planning to go, casually said he wouldn’t have a Christmas away from my dad in case it’s his last.

So my parents won’t see their only grandchildren this year or next and my brother’s words are ringing in my ears. I said maybe we should rethink going to see his sister next year.

My husband said no we’re going as he hasn’t seen his sister at Christmas for ages - but I think that’s her choice. She’s invited every year and doesn’t have kids herself but chooses not to come.

He then threw in my face that his mum didn’t get her final Christmas with the grandchildren due to covid (we hadn’t known she was poorly at the time just bad luck).

Am I being unreasonable to want to chancel going to his sister next year?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 22/12/2025 14:00

It's far too far away to know how you or your mum will feel next Christmas and to cancel booked plans a year in advance.

So my parents won’t see their only grandchildren this year or next
On Christmas day specifically I assume, they will see them at other times in the year? We didn't see my parents on Xmas day itself for 2 years running because FIL wasn't well. It's not that big a deal.

Rippleok · 22/12/2025 14:02

It’s over a year away. Just keep quiet and address it next year.

Will your mum be with you this Christmas?

columnatedruinsdomino · 22/12/2025 14:02

Why can’t they come to you this year? Hopefully they won’t be alone, that’s a bit cruel.

Rippleok · 22/12/2025 14:03

So my parents won’t see their only grandchildren this year or next

them’s the breaks.

I am with your dh on this
In any event, unless you are booking flights now, just park the discussion

Kagoule · 22/12/2025 14:05

I am so sorry for your loss. Kindly, don’t make plans for next Christmas while you’re in such a turmoil this year. Let your feelings settle; tell DP you don’t want to argue over it now and ask if the whole topic can be parked until after this Christmas and after the funeral.

If I were you I would try to visit my mum and dad or invite them to visit this year, even if she doesn’t want to do a big Christmas she might appreciate being amongst family so she isn’t wallowing in grief for the whole period. Do ask, if you haven’t, and let her decide.

sweetpickle2 · 22/12/2025 14:05

I don't think this is a conversation you need to have right now.

Where is your mum this christmas?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/12/2025 14:11

I would be asking your parents to come to you for a bit this year. I understand that your mum won't feel like doing much at Christmas but most people find that a few hours with happy children does give a temporary lift. And very kindly none of us know when it will be our last Christmas ( terminal diagnosis aside).
Either way it's not something you need to discuss right now

Spirallingdownwards · 22/12/2025 14:13

And if you Dad is here next Christmas and the next? You can't indefinitely park plans to see his sister. Presumably you can't see her whereas you can see your parents any time.

100% with DH. I think yours recent loss is clouding your judgment.

Evaka · 22/12/2025 14:15

No need to discuss this let alone decide when emotions are so high. I'm sorry for your sad loss. Suggest you focus on looking after yourselves and each other this year.

My MIL was talking about a Christmas commitment she's done every year for her sister which she doesn't want to do anymore after this year. I said that's a July conversation. Same suggestion here.

Klopchampion · 22/12/2025 14:16

YABU - the plan you agreed to with DH was to go visit SIL next year for Xmas. It’s unfair to unilaterally decide that you want to change the plans because your parents won’t see your kids on Christmas Day for two years, especially when they are the ones opting out and it sounds like you see them regularly.

I also hate the “it could be their last Christmas” spiel… it could be anyone’s last Christmas. Nothing in life is guaranteed. SIL could be hit by a bus tomorrow or have an aneurysm overnight. My friend flew around the world three times in two years to be at her elderly mother’s bedside as death was imminent and it’s been four years and her mother is still alive and back at home.

EddyNeddy · 22/12/2025 14:35

YABVU and very unfair to your husband. When exactly does he get to have Christmas with his sister in your plan? Maybe next year is your dad’s last Christmas - but then the following one would be your mum’s first Christmas without your dad, so I presume you wouldn’t want to leave her then either.

Getting married and joining someone else’s family means that compromises at Christmas are inevitable. You can’t have it your way every single year. It’s not your husband’s fault that plans have changed at such short notice and your parents will no longer be seeing their DGC on Christmas.

CauliflowerCheese00 · 22/12/2025 15:22

Many families don’t see grandparents on Christmas Day - they all still have loving functional relationships and the world didn’t stop turning.

I appreciate you are reeling from the situation with your grandmother but you are overreacting here and really don’t need to having this row 3 days before Christmas

BettysRoasties · 22/12/2025 15:27

I’d stick with plans unless someone was actively about to die

You can’t live every Christmas as just incase it’s their last.

Rippleok · 22/12/2025 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

greenwithglee · 22/12/2025 15:34

If you agree to alternate Christmases and your family then decide they dont want to do their year for whatever reason, you can't then give them the in-laws allocation next year. That's not fair.

cestlavielife · 22/12/2025 15:37

But you dont have to wait til xmas to see grandparents. Go visit before you leave. See them plenty during next year

IwishIcouldconfess · 22/12/2025 15:40

It is over a year away, you're grieving, don't make any decisions now.

Beamur · 22/12/2025 15:51

Kindly - you really don't need to think about next Christmas yet. Give yourself some time to deal with your Nana passing and everything else that's happening.

LittleBearPad · 22/12/2025 15:55

Today isn’t the time to worry about next Christmas. See how this one goes and invite your mum over - if she wants to come she may enjoy seeing the children. I’m sorry about your loss

MinPinSins · 22/12/2025 16:12

Christmas isn't the be all and end all. Your kids can still have an amazing relationship with your parents regardless. It would be wrong to back out of a commitment made to your husband and his sister just in case it is your dad's last. I'd focus your energies on making the time you do spend with your parents as good as possible.

If your dad does die, and fingers crossed he doesn't, what won't matter is whether he ticked off enough 25ths of December with your kids. What will matter is that they got to spend lots of time with him and knew he loved them.

Whaleandsnail6 · 22/12/2025 16:27

Yabu

In the nicest possible way, no-one knows what will happen from one year to the next. Any year could be someone's last Christmas.

Its your parents choice not to see you and your child this , you can't make it so dh doesn't get to see his sister next year because of that, if that was the plan.

ExtraOnions · 22/12/2025 16:31

My Mum (89) has been telling me “this might be my last Christmas” for the last 6 years .., it might be any of ours last Christmas, you can’t build your life around it.

MaybeNotNo · 22/12/2025 16:33

Very U

Surely your mum will see your dc at some point next year? and will have seen them some time this year?

Abittrumpy · 22/12/2025 18:24

I bet you hope your dh doesn’t come across this thread @RobEmily !

Im definitely of the school of thought you are being unreasonable.

And saying to him now? A year in advance, that you want to cancel? It is as though you were itching for an argument with him

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2025 20:23

Surely it’s a lot less bother for her to come to you? One person (and her dp?) comes to you rather than 4 of you going to her?