Angry at my parents

[DallazMajor]

I’ll try and summarise this but happy to answer any questions.

I’ve suffered with emotional loneliness for as long as I can recall. Additionally I’ve always had anxiety, depression and panic disorder.

Every relationship I’ve had has either been abusive or with men who turn cold.

I’m very empathetic and labelled by exes as “needy”.

last year I started therapy. The therapist said the trauma I display usually stems from childhood. I was confused as I didn’t think that was the case. She asked me lots of things about my younger years and it started to become very obvious that my childhood was not ideal at all.

I had been emotionally neglected quite severely. Most of my childhood I can’t even remember. The things I do remember where mainly times when I had been on my own at inappropriate times - such as Christmas mornings opening my presents I was always alone and felt sad. I can’t remember ever feeling close to my parents. Getting a hug or any praise. Basically no emotional connection.

Ive since probed my older relatives who have told me that my dad was very controlling (he still is) and used to refer to mum as “donkey” (not in a joke way) He was insecure as she was very beautiful and he manipulated her and diminished her confidence.

My mums behaviour toward me as I got older was extremely spiteful. She constantly called me fat. Told me not to eat and basically made no bones about the fact that I wasn’t attractive which was unacceptable to her.

I obviously do remember my mum being like this with me but I always put it down to her going through the menopause and acting strangely. (think my dad planted that seed)

I didn’t realise that my mum had been mentally abused for years by my dad and she was taking the frustration out on me. Either way I know it’s wrong but it offers some perspective.

Both my parents are old and in bad health now. My dad is very unreasonable and difficult and my mum had a huge nervous breakdown 10 years ago which resulted in her being non verbal for 2 years and subsequently giving up on life to the point that she doesn’t move or do anything for herself.

Im an only child and a single parent. I’m now looking after everyone and I’m mentally and physically done in.

The more I think about my childhood and how it’s shaped me the more upset and angry I am.

AIBU to feel angry. Should I just try and let it go?

sorry that turned out longer than expected !

I feel exactly the same as you OP and can relate to so much of what you say.

im also an only child - my mum was so cold with me she couldn’t even give me eye contact when I was 15! But she improved by the time I was 25!

im placemarking OP but when I’ve got a bit more time I can contribute much more ti this thread

Back off the caring side of it to give yourself some space to think about how you feel , are they financially able to have carers in ?

When you say you are looking after everyone else, do you mean you are actually going to your mum's house to clean her and feed her? Or is it less involvement?

If it's the first, then definitely this needs to change. Either she needs an LA care package or needs to pay for support (or a mix of both). This would apply even if you had a good relationship with your mum.

A totally separate issue is how you regard your parents now you have come to realise that your childhood was, from your description, neglectful and abusive. This is going to be personal to you. Some can forgive and forget, some can forgive but not forget and have an arm's length relationship, others can't forgive and will have no contact. There is no correct approach.

Deal with the practical issues first, the emotional ones are a work in progress.

Surely your therapist suggested you very much keep these abusive peoples at arm’s length?

My dad refuses carers.

My mum needs 24/7 care. My dad is doing this but is very abusive. He calls her all the names under the sun. He doesn’t wash her or dress her. It’s all left to me I go over 2/3 days a week. (I moved away 5 years ago because I couldn’t stand the toxicity and I didn’t want my children to hear or witness the situation).

Keep on doing therapy if you can.

You will find you need to grieve first for the childhood you didn’t have, before you can let it go. This can be a very different amount of time for different people.

Eventually, when you reach that time, you then need to completely move on and take complete ownership of your own life and who you are.

Im at this last stage myself and finding it hard to stop blaming someone else - which I know I must do - simply to free me up so I can live, and appreciate, my best life.

My dad refuses to allow carers into the house.

Im going over 2/3 times a week to make sure my mum is washed etc.

Ive highlighted it so many times with social services but he refuses to speak to them.

I think his behaviours over the last 10 years in particular are all because he’s losing more and more control. He’s had to change his life to accommodate my mum.

I honestly think sometimes my mum knows what she’s doing. She’s said to me on a few occasions “ it’s payback”.

It’s not so much I blame them. I understand that it’s stemmed from generational abuse. My dad’s dad was a complete horror and my mums family are all very cold.

I get why people end up this way. I’m angry and upset but it’s all quite raw atm.

They are both fragile now. They are both 85 so there’s no value in me abandoning them or demanding explanations or apologies.

I will accept it all for what it is when I’ve processed it properly. It at least gives me the clarity to understand why I’ve constantly had shit relationships with men. Accepting less than etc.

Im just feeling sad.

Your dad can refuse carers; you can refuse to be a carer. It is an option. If she's being neglected as a result you can also draw it to the attention of social services.

That's a Safeguarding issue. I suggest that early in the NY you contact Adult Safeguarding at your local council and report your concerns about Dad's treatment of Mum.

Neither of them are your responsibility, just do as much as you feel comfortable with, which might be nothing, but, more realistically will probably be arms length supervision of outside care arrangements. You owe them nothing.

I would honestly leave them to it. They hey we’re not kind and did not look after you. You forfeit the right to be cared for when you behave as your parents did.

I’ve reported it to social services including the head of adult SS in my area. They say that there’s nothing they can do because they both have capacity. (Which is bollocks as far as I’m concerned).

I would leave them to it. They weren’t kind to you, so why should you be kind to them?

That would seem the simplest option but I’m not that kind of person.

You do not need to feel guilty, or unreasonable. Do the bare minimum or try to find a way without taking away from your own sanity and the attention you want to provide your children. Unless people have been there, they don’t understand. I don’t love my parents, my Dad passed and I didn’t cry. I haven’t been too see his grave. No smoking gun just years of driving ny mum into the ground when she already had metal health problems. So I didn’t have a mum and still don’t as he ruined her life and she ruined mine. Exactly as you say, she started to abuse me verbally and push her problems onto me, I parented her.

Nothing but solidarity. Your post has provided at least one person (me) with comfort. I know that’s a weird thing to say, but at this time of year having parents as you describe, especially with young children can be so triggering. I also don’t have a sibling relationship as with parents like that, no one gets out unscathed and it’s hard to keep the family unit alive without parents.

I also remember opening presents on my own, no memory of my childhood (probably for the best but likely as we didnt do anything or go anywhere), was either never read a bedtime story or have no memory of it, I believe it’s the former. Only found out this was strange at work when I was 25 and colleagues were reminiscing, speaking about their favourite bedtime stories and someone point blank asked me what my fave was, and I confidently said I didn’t have bedtime stories, only to be met with a reaction like I’d pulled a knife out. After asking everyone I knew I realised this was very odd.

sorry for hijacking your post but you have you’re own children now and we need to look after our fragile selves, there are so many triggers around. Really hope you find a way to disconnect from them. They did you wrong and you don’t have to love your parents.

I’ve been through something similar, and realising your childhood wasn’t okay brings a lot of anger and grief. That anger is valid it’s part of recognising what you didn’t get. You don’t have to just “let it go.” Feeling it is part of healing.

I was abused by my father. I thought about what I would feel like if he died and told him I forgave him (even though I wasn’t sure if I did) as I wanted my conscience clear. I wanted to take control and not to feel he was in control. When he was dead I wouldn’t have been able to say anything I wanted to and he would have died ‘in control of me’ in my mind. he’s now died and I am happy with my decision- I feel I stopped the cycle of abuse and am a better person than he was.

I’ve had lots of therapy and it’s been incredibly painful and difficult- still not over it and probably never will be but at least I’m able to leave it behind a bit more than I felt before.

I cut contact with him - easier as he had dementia and had to go in a home - it was easier to process everything through counselling without having to see him regularly which made me feel I couldn’t move forward. Do think about what YOU need first. I bet it’s not going over to look after them. I found it very hard to put myself first but when I eventually managed it, it really helped.

Honestly let them get on with it. They neglected you but expect you to care for them. Let them live unwashed in squalor until they decide to get carers. You have one life don't waste another second on them.
My parents were selfish alcoholics and neglected me, there was no way I was going to look after them once they were old and vulnerable.
You are brave to do therapy it's opens up a lot of wounds. Personally I didn't want to, I knew my parents were shit, my childhood was awful but I can't change the past. I can definitely see where my childhood shaped my decisions but I turned out ok, successful career, married nearly 30 years, mostly happy. I never wanted kids.
Just my opinion but it is hard to deal with the sadness, anger and hurt when you are seeing your abusers every week. I would step right back and focus on you. Fuck them they wouldn't do it for you, they do have capacity and they choose to make shit decisions, that's on them. Stop seeking love from them, you won't get it, love yourself xxx

I think you sound like an amazing and very resilient person all considered, you are breaking what sounds like a longstanding cycle. It's not surprising you feel sad - it is desperately sad.

They "have capacity" because they (presumably) don't have dementia. They both have the right to make their own decisions.

Decades ago, your mum had the choice to leave him - she didn't.
Not to minimise how hard it can be for abused women to leave, especially with young children, but at the end of the day, she had that choice and chose to stay, even if she didn't realise she was making a choice.

So whilst you may feel desperately sorry for her as well as feeling angry at her, and feeling all sorts of other emotions as well, you have to recognise that it is not your role or your job to "rescue" her from your dad's abuse.

You may decide to carry on doing the caring as you are, given how old they both are. But beware, it could be another decade - some people do live well into their nineties these days.
Equally you may decide to stop going to do the physical caring.
I say it again: It is not your responsibility to rescue your mother from him.

So maybe it's time to be a different kind of person.

You have said that your parents both had horrific childhoods which is why they are like they are.

You also had a horrific childhood but you aren't passing the generational trauma on to your children and I'm sure you are a good and loving mother. There is no excuse or justification for how they both treated you as a child.

You don't need to completely abandon them if that would be a step too far, but the amount of hands-on care you are providing is obviously affecting your own wellbeing and will have a knock-on impact on your own children if you need to spend so much time with your abusive parents.

For the sake of yourself and your children, perhaps it’s time to come that sort of person.

I honestly think sometimes my mum knows what she’s doing. She’s said to me on a few occasions “ it’s payback”.

What an unpleasant nasty woman.

Do these people have anything to do with your kids?

What has your therapist said about what kind of involvement you should be having with your parents?

Oh dear.

I can totally understand that you don't want to be that type of person - but maybe you can be a different person. Drop the visits down to once a week, and make the visits about companionship rather than caring. So you are going in, keeping an eye on what's going on, report again if necessary - but do not step in to do any caring. Would this be an acceptable compromise for you?

If your dad implies you should do caring, then you can imply right back that if he needs assistance with caring, then he does need actual carers.

At some point this house of cards is going to come tumbling down. Unfortunately the best scenario is that it does, sooner rather than later, and you don't keep propping it up and prolonging the whole situation.