Angry at my parents

[DallazMajor]

I’ll try and summarise this but happy to answer any questions.

I’ve suffered with emotional loneliness for as long as I can recall. Additionally I’ve always had anxiety, depression and panic disorder.

Every relationship I’ve had has either been abusive or with men who turn cold.

I’m very empathetic and labelled by exes as “needy”.

last year I started therapy. The therapist said the trauma I display usually stems from childhood. I was confused as I didn’t think that was the case. She asked me lots of things about my younger years and it started to become very obvious that my childhood was not ideal at all.

I had been emotionally neglected quite severely. Most of my childhood I can’t even remember. The things I do remember where mainly times when I had been on my own at inappropriate times - such as Christmas mornings opening my presents I was always alone and felt sad. I can’t remember ever feeling close to my parents. Getting a hug or any praise. Basically no emotional connection.

Ive since probed my older relatives who have told me that my dad was very controlling (he still is) and used to refer to mum as “donkey” (not in a joke way) He was insecure as she was very beautiful and he manipulated her and diminished her confidence.

My mums behaviour toward me as I got older was extremely spiteful. She constantly called me fat. Told me not to eat and basically made no bones about the fact that I wasn’t attractive which was unacceptable to her.

I obviously do remember my mum being like this with me but I always put it down to her going through the menopause and acting strangely. (think my dad planted that seed)

I didn’t realise that my mum had been mentally abused for years by my dad and she was taking the frustration out on me. Either way I know it’s wrong but it offers some perspective.

Both my parents are old and in bad health now. My dad is very unreasonable and difficult and my mum had a huge nervous breakdown 10 years ago which resulted in her being non verbal for 2 years and subsequently giving up on life to the point that she doesn’t move or do anything for herself.

Im an only child and a single parent. I’m now looking after everyone and I’m mentally and physically done in.

The more I think about my childhood and how it’s shaped me the more upset and angry I am.

AIBU to feel angry. Should I just try and let it go?

sorry that turned out longer than expected !

You hold all the cards. Step away. I would.

This is such a difficult scenario to be in. I know it's not as easy as it maybe should be to just walk away despite what you may have been through in the past at the hands of your parents.

I think you've done brilliantly to put some distance in between you and stick to 2-3 visits a week.

I do agree though that it would be in your best interests to go further and certainly to get adult safeguarding involved as your dad's treatment of your mum is neglect at a bare minimum
and possibly abuse.

Not only that, yes, they are 85, but it's entirely possible they could have another 5-10 years and you don't deserve to have this situation weighing on you and probably getting more complex for however long it continues.

It’s awful isn’t it.

Have you told social services she is being abused?

My dad destroyed my mum mentally and physically and left her a shell of herself, alone, to raise 5 children. I’ve struggled with relationships as have my siblings.

By subjecting yourself to these hideous people, you will be depriving your children @DallazMajor

Perhaps that will galvanise you to stop

Contact SS. If you can wait until January, contact them, explain the situation and say due to carer breakdown and abusive childhood you can longer be involved.

You have every right to be angry, so so angry. But you also have and deserve the right to heal. Your anger isn't going to hurt your parents, it's going to continue to hurt you.

You also owe your parents nothing, No one owes a parent anything. Contact LA and leave your involvement there. You deserve to be at peace and live your own life free from any abuse and harm ♥️

This. Times one hundred percent.

pour your empathy and love onto those children, and focus on NOT having them post this in years to come. Be the mum they need and can adore, the parent you needed.

correct that wrong.

It is not the job of a therapist to tell people what involvement to have with others.

Definitely.

to be fair I was ever alone opening my presents on Xmas Day but my mother was an alcoholic and could even be unpleasant and distant when sober. I can remember being aged 13 and coming home from school to no one there - and thinking - “oh mum must still be at work”.

but even though it was early evening - I the realised she’d been in bed from before I came home at around 4pm to about 6.30pm when she came out of her bedroom to use the toilet! This felt inappropriate to me. I was 13 and she’d knowingly left me without anyone there the whole evening !

This is assuming a huge amount.
The mental capacity test bears no relation to dementia other than people with dementia may not have capacity depending upon how affected they are by their condition.

That's how I feel about one specific relative. I try to think, as you seem to, about how things like generational abuse have only recently been mentioned, and how different things were in the past. That's not defending it, and obviously some people might have lived at the same time and seemed caring, but I know how I instinctively do caring things with my kids because I was lucky enough to have been looked after and played with=all respect to you and others who were brought up without love yet have ended the cycle of abuse. If I'd been born a generation earlier and not looked after, maybe I would be uncaring like the relative I mentioned, I just don't know.

I’m just not really sure why you are ignoring your father’s abuse of your mum? He’s awful - and has cast a long shadow over your life, he’s continued to do that by forcing you to care. I would honestly do the best thing for you, your kids and your mum - grass him up, get her carers (which is the right thing to do) focus on your own children- and be a happy visitor rather than an unhappy carer.