Parents buying for randoms and expecting me to be eternally grateful

[Jokethecoalwoman]

I'm just looking for opinions here, as I find my parents behaviour odd but maybe it's perfectly reasonable and average.

My parents buy presents for quite random people - this year they've mentioned buying for a neighbour's grandchildren. When I asked if they're nice they said they've never met them.

I mean if they want to buy presents for people they've never met fair enough. But they expect me to be thrilled by it when I just think it's odd.

They are very "you give to receive"orientated and pretty obsessed about giving presents to anyone who's ever done anything for them. For example when a friend gave me some hand me down baby clothes my mum insisted I buy her a scented candle in return. I've given loads of kids clothes away and never even thought about getting something back in return.

Christmas cards too - they have not stopped going on about whether or not I have given a Christmas card to a relative I never see. I haven't. But because they have given one to us my parents think I should be eternally filled with gratitude and can't get their heads around the audacity of me not sending one to them.

This all sounds minor and it is....but they go on about it constantly.
And my mum can be very huffy about such things.
I know the "we give strangers presents"/"great auntie didn't get a card from you" situation will be brought up on Christmas day.

So AIBU to think giving random neighbours grandkids you've never met and to be offended about who I haven't given a Christmas card to is strange?

”Mum, dad - you and I do things differently, and see these expectations differently. I’m on top of who I do and don’t give gifts and cards to.”

Yep, but you’ll never work out why!

Just say yes if they asked if you sent a card to Great Aunt Maud. Are they going to check? Probably not! After all, the post is terribly unreliable these days….

What age are they? They might be on the slippery slope of cognitive decline.

It is a different generation. My parents went through their Christmas card list religiously every year and always noticed if one wasn’t reciprocated. As they got older this was often accompanied by a ‘I hope he’s not dead’ sentiment. My great aunts didn’t speak for 6 months as auntie Lizzie never got a card from auntie Nelly who swore blind she’d sent one. Some point around June auntie Lizzie found it under the doormat.

I’ve made it very clear to my parents for around the last 15 years that with the exception of a few select elderly relatives I don’t do Christmas cards, due to many factors. The baby clothes things is a bit different. Depending on who it was I sometimes gave a box of chocolates, if it was anyone directly involved in my parents lives I definitely gave something just to keep the status quo in their heads.

It does sound difficult and yes it’s strange they do that and ridiculous that they pressure you to do it too.
I agree with first poster try to shut it down and say firmly, I am on top of my gift/ card giving I don’t need to be reminded thank you.
I also have difficult parents and have learnt that I have to tell them to stop if I want to enjoy their company.

With my parents generation the Christmas card thing was very odd. We'd visit relatives houses, they'd come to ours - it was like they were in competition with each other as to who had the highest number of cards on display. My mam would write 300 Christmas cards and get 300 back. I can't imagine having the time.

Our children are receivers of random gifts from mils friends.

Initially i tried to go through the rigmarole of thanking them but realised it encouraged them. Its now my dhs job he does zero.
I dont want it or need it and honestly most of the stuff is not nice / good quality.

Its an older person thing imo.

I think it is a generation thing. My parents used to buy a selection box for the neighbours granddaughter and various neighbours on our street when growing up would gift me an item. My in laws still send my husbands childhood friends Christmas cards despite him rarely seeing them!
I agree with commenting about it's nice how they want to do that but you have your own ways.

My mother keeps score with Christmas cards.

She annually berates a family friend for not sending them one. He struggles with this time of year. Years ago his wife died days before Christmas leaving him with two young children. My mother thinks it's just an excuse......

People are strange.

Unfortunately, some people who like sending Christmas cards can't just do it because they enjoy it, they have to turn it into a moral performance. It's not at all weird to refuse to play along.

I would just tell them you think it's odd to buy presents for people they don't know. And that you just don't send Christmas cards. Then change the subject.

What do you mean, they expect you to be thrilled? Why would you be expected to feel anything at all about who they buy presents for?

I don’t think it is odd to send small presents to ‘random’ people. Giving small presents at a joyful occasion is a way to share the joy.

With the ‘have you sent a Christmas card’ thing - make your own choice but be aware others will have a different point of view. I would say 80% of the (small number) of cards I receive come from people over 65. The cards don’t appear by magic, and I would very much presume the sender would notice if we sent them a card or not. They may or may not care. Your parents probably think the relative would notice, care, and feel something your parents want to avoid them feeling, whether that is sad because they haven’t been deemed worthy of a card, or judgemental because you haven’t sent them one.

Yeah my parents are similar to yours but don't expect it of me.

I don't do christmas cards or anything like that and my mum is jealous and always says she wishes she never started.

Just tell her you aren’t doing cards for sustainability reasons and threaten to lecture her about destroying the planet if she dares to mention it.

I think some people do this either as an insecurity thing or a power move. My mum loves to throw money around (we are NC now). If she stays at a hotel, she’ll go around handing out £20 notes to the staff before she goes.

It’s not because she’s particularly nice (she’s not), but because she’s very performative.

I once found out that she met a mum friend of mine at dd’s 2nd birthday, got the mum’s details at the party and sent her like £200. 😳 It comes across as trying to spread joy amongst the peasants who are below her rather than a kind gesture.

As for cards though, it’s nice, I like cards, I send them to people. I don’t care if they send me one. But I enjoy displaying the ones I do receive.

Aww, I think it’s nice and clearly a generational thing. They are clearly close to their neighbours, so what’s the harm? Obviously it would be odd if they never saw them! And I would always buy a wee gift to say thank you for baby clothes (I’m 51).
Your parents aren’t Glaswegian, by any chance?! We’re a generous bunch compared to what I read on here!

Are they at least good parents?

My dad was like this - but he was shite at home. authoritarian, emotionally abusive and I didn't even cry when he died, but everyone else? always saying what an great person he was, giving gifts to neighbour's kids and the lady at the cafe and the hotel manager from the summer and and and ...

i guess us at home had to obey and no one gave a fuck as to our opinion - but what mattered were the strangers and cousins and doctor's receptionists

When they are gone (hopefully a long way in the future) you will look back fondly on this.

Much of the present and card giving etiquette you describe is generational and I am sad that a lot of what was once seen as good manners is being lost as time moves on.
Of course some changes in society are for the better but some very much are not.

I didn’t have parents but did have an aunt who was very particular in all sorts of ways which I found sometimes funny and sometimes mildly irritating but when I think about her these are the things I miss most.

Buying gifts for people they don’t know is odd. Do you think the urge could be redirected towards a charity scheme where they can buy gifts for children in poor circumstances rather than their friends’ grandchildren?

It is the old fashioned equivalent of who has the most friends/likes on social media.

It's very strange behaviour to buy gifts for people you don't even know. How do your parents even know what sort of thing these children are into anyway unless they just buy generic plastic tat? It would probably be embarrassing too for the parents of said children who received the gifts as they probably wouldn't have expected it and wouldn't therefore have reciprocated. They might now feel guilty about that.

As for Christmas cards, personally I don't send them at all and couldn't give a shit whether I get any or not. I certainly don't keep a tally of them. So I'd be just telling her that I don't do Christmas cards, haven't for many years and then let her make of that what she wished.

If you prefer a much simpler form of that then just tell her "mother, you do you, but don't try to police me and what I do."

My Mil does it because she doesn't want people to think she is mean (she isn't). So she went out to buy presents for her new cleaners (been with her 3 weeks-1 clean/w) daughter and granddaughter. My DH gets furious with her because she's so generous- she's not wealthy but is OK. He doesn't want her to spend her money on family either including him because I think he's worried she will have nothing to live on by the end of the month.

Worth pointing out that others having a different point of view works both ways. There are lots of people who don't welcome cards. OPs parents don't sound like they get this at all, which does suggest their opinion on what's appropriate can't necessarily be relied on.

Mum and dad used to keep a list of cards received (huge display in the hallway so they could say how many friends they had) and not send the next year if they didn’t get one. Hundreds of cards, everyone they’d ever know, neighbours from 50 years ago. It was mad. I dread to think how miniature my address book would be were I to get a new one!

I don't know - it's strange. They go on about how they've bought some stranger a present - and I mean on and on and on....like they expect me to be thrilled/impressed/have a sudden realisation that I am a terrible person for not doing the same.

Thanks everyone who's replied.

Lots of you have said it's a generational thing and I'll try to keep that in mind when they go on about the presents they've bought for random kids they haven't met and how much they care about Christmas cards. It seems alien to me, but they are in their 60s so maybe this was common at one point.

To answer another couple of questions - they're not from Glasgow but close!
And they are good parents, although very obsessional about certain things and extremely judgemental.