To ask if you’ve left a great person who simply would not commit?

[Yoaree]

I often wonder if I was asking too much over the years but it’s now got to a point where life just is not changing. Long story short we have one dc 3.5 and have lived apart since she was around 1, when DP took what was meant to be a temporary contract role around a six hour drive away. The reason we didn’t move with him was because it was for six months to begin with, so I stayed in our home (my home I own) and dp continued to pay as usual as well as funding his own flat near where he was working (he earns much more than me).

The temporary role turned into a permanent one and I said I was on board with his but we all needed to live together and I wanted to try for our second dc (we are in our late thirties). He agreed but… 14 months later neither of those things have happened! He says I have unreasonable timelines and I was being demanding saying if I moved I wanted to be in a house rather than a flat.. I did say this as I have a nice home where we are but I did say I would compromise and be in the flat while we looked for somewhere more suitable when we ttc our second. I was willing to move for him to this new location so we could all be together and most weekend we just had the same conversations… when shall we all sort the move, when shall we ttc… he would say he’s working on it and other comments like that. And now it’s almost Christmas again and he’s getting back from work at 11pm Christmas Eve as he’s got a long drive back and so won’t see dc before she goes to bed. I just think it’s so sad and shit of him and it really does boil down to not committing.

I suppose I know the answer is to walk away but it’s shit because I did love him and we could have been happy, he’s a great person generally. Our relationship is not in a good place anymore as I feel permanently not important to him and he apparently feels like I’m being too prescriptive about timing. Yet all this time he’s lived apart during the difficult toddler years and he’s happy to fritter away my fertility… surely it should be simple, you want to be together as a family so you are?!

Time to move on.

His actions show you who he is, and he doesn't want the same as you

I had this when my dd was born. Shs is now 7. My ex wanted to stay with us a few nights a week and keep his own house to escape to a few nights a week. Needless to say we broke up when she was 2 months old and I'm bloody glad we did. He's 50 now and still acts like he's in his 20s.

He is essentially living as a single man and being pretty disrespectful to you and your DD in the process. I wonder, and you can tell me to piss off if I am wrong, whether you're less sad about the potential of losing a man you don't even see most of the time and more sad about the fact that drawing a line under this relationship will risk you not having another child, which you clearly want.

Other than seeing him at weekends, your day to day life will change very little without him.

There was a similar thread to this recently OP

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5455768-would-you-also-have-ended-it-fertility-related?page=2&reply=149013539

I absolutely can't stand men who keep a woman waiting around during her child-bearing years.

I think you need to look after yourself and your child first and foremost. Don’t be begging anyone to live with you both. He is making it very clear that he has a different plan than you. Sod that!!!

He’s a lovely man, but he’s not YOUR lovely man. If he wanted to be yours, he would be.

Time to tell him you’re moving on.

I think you're right, it is simple, if you want to be together as a family you make it happen. You could give him a deadline and an ultimatum and if he talks about you being prescriptive with timelines, say, "Yes, I am." But TBH, I can't see him giving up the job to move back to you, and I would be very, very wary of giving up my home to live with him now.

If he wanted to be with you, he would. Actions speak far louder than words.
I do know how hard it is when someone can be lovely at times and you can see a future together. If you’re anything like I was, you’ll probably gloss over the bad bits in the hope there’ll be a lightbulb moment when he realises what he has and makes an effort to commit.
Sadly they don’t though. Whatever you have together isn’t enough for him, however much you pretend it is. You’re not a priority. So you can believe his future faking and still be in this position next Christmas, or leave and build the life you want. Changing his mind isn’t going to be possible.

This is all pretty crazy if you read it back and imagine someone else posing the problem to you. Within a few months of having your first child, he moved away for a ‘temporary job’ leaving you behind. It isn’t like he moved an hour or two away, but literally to the other end of the country assuming this is the UK. The job then became permanent and so you offered to move to be close to him because, you know, a relationship with a child where you are six hours apart is madness. He hasn’t exactly accepted your offer and is seemingly happier with the way things are.

He basically enjoys being a part time father and your relationship is over.

Have you been clear that you are at the stage of packing it all in, because he thinks your time lines are too strict and you think he's being vague and delaying it.
Clearly he doesn't have the same urgency as you because he is getting quite a cushy deal in that his only real responsibility is work, and he can nip in and out of family life as he likes.
For you, this is lonely and it's relentless. You're right in the thick of toddler parenting and all of the shitwork is on you.
He swans in at the weekends, gets to play happy families and get his needs met, then back again.
It sounds brilliant for him. He's in no rush at all.

I would make it absolutely clear that you want this actioned and you do have a time line. You're either a family or you're not. You're not a secret family on the side. You're not a mistress waiting for him. If he doesn't want to live together then tell you, and if he does, then get a wiggle on.
He needs to shit, or get off the pot.

Ultimatum time.

Given that your relationship isn’t great, don’t move away from your support network to be closer to him. He can move to you, within say 3-6 months, or you go your separate ways. At least you already know you’ll be good as a single mum.

@Sprig1 I did end it a few weeks ago and he managed to talk me round by saying I was being unreasonable and I was giving him ultimatums and it was ‘my way or nothing.’ I didn’t think it had been like that, I thought we were both on the same page! It’s only when I mention actually ttc that particular day or if I bring up the fact we’ve not made any steps to be in the same place together permanently, that he starts to say I’m being demanding. I feel so drained by it all.

@Shoxfordian he will say that he does absolutely want the same as me but that I’m being unfair by giving him ultimatums and it was ‘my way or nothing.’ I didn’t think it had been like that, I thought we were both on the same page! It’s only when I mention actually ttc that particular day or if I bring up the fact we’ve not made any steps to be in the same place together permanently, that he starts to say I’m being demanding. I feel so drained by it all.

@Phylllis it’s so shit that we actually have a great time together and we are very aligned on many things. But he simply won’t commit and he even says things like ‘of course I’m committed! I sent over 70 quid the other day so you could have a good day with DD while I was at work!’ Or ‘I paid for that holiday in August, of course I’m committed!’ Or ‘I’m back every weekend how is that not being committed?!’

He will mention all these things and just doesn’t seem to get that I feel like I have a teenage boyfriend. He gets shitty with me if I say if you don’t want to ttc and move in then it’s over… he says that’s an ultimatum and how can a relationship grow on ultimatums. It’s so exhausting.

@Branleuse a few weeks ago I said this to him, that we were either a family or we weren’t. Nothing changed, except he started being passive aggressive with me that ‘everything is about me’ .

The worst thing was he started to guilt trip me about Christmas, I said I didn’t want him to be with my family over Christmas and while he could obviously see DD I didn’t want to have lunch with him at my parents home and therefore me and DD would go and see them for a bit on Christmas Day without him. He was hurt and upset by this and said he had nowhere else to go as he assumed he would have Christmas all day with us all. His reaction has ruined the day for me now anyway as I will feel shit if I follow through and don’t allow him there but I’ll also feel shit if he is there

@Sartre it does sound crazy doesn’t it. I have a big problem with questioning myself and going back on things and giving people the benefit of the doubt, I’ve done it all my life. It’s not a good trait of mine.

I think what I struggle with so much is that he will say OF COURSE I want us to live together.. I’ll ask why it hasn’t happened and he will twist something I’ve said at some point to make it appear like it was ME that wasn’t committed, not him. It makes my head spin honestly.

@Brightbluesomething yes! Waiting for the lightbulb moment! That’s exactly what has gone through my mind so so so often.. maybe now he’s turned 42 he’ll have a moment where he realises it’s time to commit, maybe now DD is bigger he’ll not want her to remember life without him in the same house so he will commit, maybe now he’s got a permanent job he’ll focus on us… maybe maybe maybe, all the time. Always hoping. it’s been miserable. He manages to turn things so it’s as if I’ve not committed or I’ve done something to harm the relationship. All I’ve ever done is try and make things work with him. Im called demanding and inpatient

Christ on a bike, 3.5 years of living apart when you have a child and he thinks you’re being pushy!

I wouldn’t discuss it with him anymore. The sands of time are ticking if you want more children and as he thinks it’s all moving too quickly then you may as well cut your losses.

That’s extremely toxic behaviour.

He is the one stalling not you. He’s trying to make you doubt yourself and succeeding in the process.

I kind of don't want to say this, but I have to be honest, OP, it sounds to me like he's enjoying a single life away from family and he doesn't want you and family responsibilities there, plus another DC. I wouldn't be surprised if he was living a double life tbh.

You definitely need to leave that loser. He's not a good person, he's stringing you and your DD along.

If they wanted to, they would.

This 100pc
You need to give him an ultimatum and a definitive timeline.
If he says you are being too prescriptive, it's over.
As painful as it is

Him: Of course I want to live together/have another child.
You: We haven't taken any steps to achieve tthose. Let's take action now.
Him: You're being demanding.
WTF. No wonder you're drained and exhausted with this bullshit.
That's why you have to focus on his actions only.
And if he says he's sending money/ coming back every weekend, well yes, that is commitment of a sort. But it's not the commitment of living together, as a family, which is the specific type of commitment that you want.
And you shouldn't be defensive about giving an ultimatum. It's a reasonable response to what he is imposing on you: a policy of drift.
When he was offered the job, imagine if it had gone like this:
Him: Of course I want the job.
Employer: So you can start on Monday?
Him: You're being demanding.
Employer: How soon can you start? In 6 months? 12 months?
Him: I really want the job. I just don't like prescriptive timelines.

Don't let him tie you up in knots with his nonsense.

If you don't want him to spend Christmas with you and your family it's over.