To ask if you’ve left a great person who simply would not commit?

[Yoaree]

I often wonder if I was asking too much over the years but it’s now got to a point where life just is not changing. Long story short we have one dc 3.5 and have lived apart since she was around 1, when DP took what was meant to be a temporary contract role around a six hour drive away. The reason we didn’t move with him was because it was for six months to begin with, so I stayed in our home (my home I own) and dp continued to pay as usual as well as funding his own flat near where he was working (he earns much more than me).

The temporary role turned into a permanent one and I said I was on board with his but we all needed to live together and I wanted to try for our second dc (we are in our late thirties). He agreed but… 14 months later neither of those things have happened! He says I have unreasonable timelines and I was being demanding saying if I moved I wanted to be in a house rather than a flat.. I did say this as I have a nice home where we are but I did say I would compromise and be in the flat while we looked for somewhere more suitable when we ttc our second. I was willing to move for him to this new location so we could all be together and most weekend we just had the same conversations… when shall we all sort the move, when shall we ttc… he would say he’s working on it and other comments like that. And now it’s almost Christmas again and he’s getting back from work at 11pm Christmas Eve as he’s got a long drive back and so won’t see dc before she goes to bed. I just think it’s so sad and shit of him and it really does boil down to not committing.

I suppose I know the answer is to walk away but it’s shit because I did love him and we could have been happy, he’s a great person generally. Our relationship is not in a good place anymore as I feel permanently not important to him and he apparently feels like I’m being too prescriptive about timing. Yet all this time he’s lived apart during the difficult toddler years and he’s happy to fritter away my fertility… surely it should be simple, you want to be together as a family so you are?!

Sorry but this OP.

Stop questioning yourself. He is showing you exactly who he is and what he wants.

As hard as it is move on and show your DD what a healthy relationship looks like

Your sentence that starts “the big problem you have….”
you’ve got to work out what you get out of behaving that way because ultimately this behaviour must meet a need in you for you to keep repeating it. You seem so worried that you’re being in anyway unreasonable that you let your very reasonable boundaries be totally eroded and you are currently sitting a position that would be intolerable to nearly everyone.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you also need to think what you’re modelling about relationships, boundaries etc to your child.

If he really wanted to live with you and have another kid, he would make it happen.

He likes his single life where he works and he sees you and your child part time. It's 2 and a half years into this very long distance relationship and you can be done.

I think you're Ms Right Now and not Ms Right.

He’s very adept at gaslighting you.

Don’t for one moment think some selfish men won’t waste your fertility years. They do, and sadly he sounds like one of them.

So nice of people to talk about this with me. Thank you to everyone who has taken time to post.

Im finding it difficult with Christmas so close and as soon as he turns it on to me I start to question myself and if i‘m the problem, was I too pushy, was I expecting too much, did I not listen to his timelines, did I not let him speak and so on. It’s such a horrible confused feeling. I’m really unhappy I’ve realised, actually since posting this thread it’s hit me hard that this has affected me more than I was willing to acknowledge

OP, I hate to ask this but are you certain he hasnt got a girlfriend where he lives?
I think any rumblings from him about Christmas need to be met with 'you arent doing anything to work towards being with us the rest of the year, you are quite happy to leave me alone with our child, so im afraid I dont buy that you want to spend christmas with us because you love us and want to be with us - you just dont want to be alone.'

I walked. He wouldn’t commit. I met someone else, got married six months later and had two children. He’s just got married, in his 50s, to someone in her 30s. He was made to
commit by her very Catholic family, when she got pregnant. They’re still together, and have had another child, but he still seems to behave like a single thirtysomething. I don’t think he’s unfaithful but the pub and his mates seem to come first.

One of my friends gave her DP an ultimatum, either they got married and had children or she walked. She left, he came running, they’re very happily married and now have three children. He said he couldn’t imagine life without her and if marriage and kids were what it took, then he would do it.

In your situation I would leave.

@Thundertoast I am pretty certain he’s not got a girlfriend as he isn’t really the sort of person who is massively sociable and is very career focused. However it is obviously possible and would explain his behaviour in some way.

I think the Christmas thing is what I find so crazy… how can he possibly make such a big deal of that when every other day of the year we are a second though (or it at least feels that way). My mind spins when he says I’ve messed things up by not listening to him etc. I just feel despair… how can he possibly think I’ve been the cause of it not working when I’ve been willing to make so much compromise.

@toomuchcrapeverywhere thanks for sharing your experience. My head spins when he starts saying I was in the wrong for not listening to him and wanting to rush things and so on. I feel like all I get is criticism yet all ive done is offer compromise (on my part!) and tried to make it work. Then he guilt trips me when I try and draw a line.

I think part of me knows I could still likely be alone even if I end it but I know that’s better than being in this

He’s gaslighting you. You aren’t what he wants but he’s too cowardly to own up to it to you and probably to himself.
He’s keeping his options open, waiting for something better to come along whilst you fritter away your fertile years with him.

It’s your choice. If you stay you are not only selling, but you are taking a risk - he will likely leave at some point.
If you leave, who knows? But at least then you’ll be in charge.

Just stop! Stop over analysing everything he says, look only at what he does.

You have said quite a few times your head is spinning, he likes to keep it like that to hold you firmly in place. Would you do that to him or would it make you feel awful? If it doesn't make him feel awful why do you think that is?

To be honest, even if he offered to impregnate you tomorrow whilst buying you a McMansion to live in you should still leave him. He has messed with your feelings for too long and even if you think you are getting what you want I wouldn't be surprised if he upped and 'left for work again' leaving you with two children (after all, you wanted them so of course it will be your fault!).

You would be a fool to wait any longer for him.

Well I sent him a long message (in defence of myself after he criticised me for why things have gone wrong) and he’s responded to ask what time he should arrive back on Christmas to fit in with the day (he’s not managed to get Christmas Eve off).

I know it’s over. It’s just so hard when he plays with my mind as I am absolutely terrible at second guessing myself. This thread has been really helpful, thank you to everyone who has posted!

Yep. I was 24 and we lived together. I didn’t want to be married at that point either, but it reached a point where I was so invisible in his “real life” that it felt imperative to cut and run. As it turned out it was a pivotal decision in many ways, not all good, but I still remember I had total control and I still don’t regret it.

You need to trust your own instincts more and not the guy telling you that it’s unreasonable to want to have what most happy families aim to have. He enjoys the freedom of his part time family life too much and is happy to pay for a family but not to give up his freedom - I’d start planning for a proper separation and child support etc.

whisky giving him a deadline by which you will accept that this over. Yes - it is an ultimatum - but he’s left you no choice. When. He convinces you how unreasonable your being even though it’s super clear you are not being unreasonable it’s called gaslighting.

If someone is at the point of ultimatums, surely it’s already over? He doesn’t want what you want and if he does it because you give him an ultimatum won’t he keep throwing it in your face? Would you really want to move six hours away to be with him where you have less support network and have another child when he’s hasn’t shown he’s at all keen on it?

I did break up with my partner as he wouldn't commit to moving in together. The space did give him time to reflect and we got back together, now married with a DC. However, our circumstances were very different.

It sounds to me like your partner manipulates you and gaslights you into thinking your wants are not unreasonable. You already have a child together, a child he has opted out of actually rasing. Accusing you of rushing things when you already have an actual child together is absurd. Also, if serious about a second he should appreciate the scientific fact that you don't have all the time in the world, it is very much important.

You know for yourself what you want and need and that he is not willing to give it to you.