To think gentle parenting works better online than in real homes?

[CalmNotPassive]

The influencer version looks beautiful.
The real-life version is often exhausted parents negotiating with toddlers for 45 minutes.

AIBU to think it’s idealistic, not always practical?

If you're negotiating with a toddler for 45 mins you're not practicing gentle parenting.

This.

Gentle parenting is hold the boundary, move on. Empathise if they’re upset about it.

Permissive parenting is not the same (and I agree, is awful to watch!)
!)

Gentle parenting works very well, and can work in all homes. It is just understanding how children develop and working with them, not against them. Unfortunately that’s not at all how it’s portrayed, so people do ridiculous stuff like negotiating with toddlers.

Personally, I find people that practice gentle parenting fairly smug, if it works for them. My toddlers were never docile little creatures, and although I would love to say I was a gentle parent, I definitely wasn't. I was more the parent yelling stop that right now as my child tried to share his dinner with next door's dog.

It's one of those things that depends on the child. Some children suit explanations, discussions and more careful parenting. Others are feral little buggers and would laugh (or spit) in your face if you tried gentle parenting with them.

I had five. One was quiet and calm and could be reasoned with and would have suited gentle parenting. Two were absolutely wild and no amount of reasoning and careful conversations would have any effect. The other two were somewhere in between. So yes, I do think gentle parenting (as opposed to permissive parenting) can work, but only if you just have the one child, or you have two children who are very very similar.

I shouted a lot. They're all grown up now without any hang ups or general problems with me or each other.

I think it’s harder work to stick to but when I do use more kind of ‘respectful’ parenting techniques with my two they do work much better than anything else and the house is genuinely a nicer place. It’s just difficult to not default to old patterns or lose your shit a bit when you’re tired or ill or in a rush as it does require more thought and patience, but then whenever I do end up as shouty parent it doesn’t even work that well plus the atmosphere is just horrible. I find I have to re-read a couple of books every few months when I feel stuff slipping again and that sort of re-motivates me.

And I’d never negotiate with a toddler for any length of time, but I think that gentle parenting has been kind of corrupted on here and now seems to mean permissive parenting or entering ridiculous dialogues with toddlers who can’t understand, when ‘gentle parenting’ as I think of it is more sort of Janet Lansbury, Adele Faber, that sort of thing, where it’s age appropriate but still strong on boundaries.

If you're negotiating with a toddler for 45 minutes then you aren't gentle parenting, you're being permissive. Negotiating has no place in gentle parenting, which is authoritative.

In our house this is what gentle parenting looks like:

Me to 3yo: In two minutes we're going to put on our shoes and go to nursery.

Two minutes later

Me: Ok, time for shoes.

3yo: No!

Me: We need shoes for nursery. We can either put them on now or in the car. Which do you want?

3yo: Neither!

Me: Ok, I can see you're struggling with this choice. I'm going to put your shoes on your feet for you.

3yo: Cries

Me, while putting on shoes: Wow, you're finding this hard. I find it hard too when I have to stop playing and get ready. It's frustrating to be interrupted. We have to go to nursery now. Would you like a cuddle?

repeat ad nauseam until eventually after years of consistent application your children emerge as reasonable humans

Yep, we do gentle parenting, we do not negotiate with terrorists.

Also, you always see people on these threads saying gentle parenting only works on docile children, which isn't my experience at all. My children are wilful, stubborn, confident, excitable and one of them at least has ADHD (the other may yet, just too soon to tell). Gentle parenting still works miles better than anything else. In my experience getting into a hostile stand off with a strong-willed toddler is a recipe for disaster.

There’s absolutely no point in long explanations for very small children - that’s not any kind of parenting.

We did gentle parenting, it did take longer and was more effortful than authoritarian parenting. But with our DD it worked brilliantly and not only is she amazingly well behaved she also has excellent self esteem and confidence. Most of our family, friends and neighbours were authoritative parents and it worked ok for most but I do see some issues with self esteem and kindness now they are teens/ pre teens.

I've seen different practices labeled gentle parenting and they have come with different results. One of my friends practices what I would call gentle parenting and she has a beautiful relationship with her children.

Gentle parenting is authoritative parenting.

• change terrorists to terrors - then it’s highly amusing!

We are an nd house everyone here has ADHD, some also have autism. We practiced gentle parenting and, honestly, it was a lifesaver. I was STRICT and had very firm boundaries. I explained what they were and what would happen if they were broken and I kept to my word. We didn’t have time out, we had time in. We had a “cuddle corner” with cushions and book etc where we would retreat to when things were looking dodgy.

And I frequently told them that I did not negotiate with terrorists. I often reminded them that they did not live in a democracy 🤣

Children do not thrive in a permissive environment, it creates insecurity

Gentle parenting works well. Permissive parenting doesn’t.

Gentle parenting works brilliantly. There's no negotiation involved though. It's mostly about very strong consistent rules, confident inertia through difficult transitions, and empathy
This is what it looks like

Me: "Time to leave the park in 5 minutes"
DC: "Awwww"
5 min later
Me: "Come on home time"
90% of the time DC leaves with me when told and all is well

10% of the time DC says "no" and carries on playing
I immediately pick them up and carry them out of the park. They're complaining, whining, crying etc. When we've a few yards away I'll put them down and walk with them holding their hand.
Me (while carrying them and/or walking them): "It looks like you really didn't want to leave the park today. I get that, the park is fun, it's difficult to stop doing something fun. It looks like you might feel sad and angry that it was time to go home. Etc etc.... Oh look at that silly cat over there"

Gentle parenting works well on some types of kids I'm sure. Mine? Not so much. I'm very much 'raise your kids however you want' so I'm all for gentle parenting for everyone it works for! But the whole 'it definitely works for everyone in every house. You're doing it wrong' is annoying af.

Quite!

I agree it’s particularly brilliant with ND kids, or those with a trauma history. It’s not permissive, it’s not child in charge, it’s just attuned to the thinking processes of the child and helps them learn to make good choices.

Best bit, teens are so much easier when you’ve actually built the processes of decision making with them.

This! I never negotiated with my son, but we did use a gentle parenting approach, he's 14 now and being autistic the consistency of having firm but fair boundaries made things so much easier in the long run.

Even now when he has the odd difficult moment it's very much a "I can see you're angry but I'm not going to be shouted it, you can either let me help or go somewhere to calm down, either way I'm not being shouted at."

Literally have no problems with behaviour outside sometimes being overwhelmed like any other person, he's respectful, helpful and we're really close, I feel really sad for my friends who's teens want Literally nothing to do with them.

The problem is when your child throws a curve ball. Like if you’re at the park and they refuse to leave and you physically can’t carry them or you have more than one child and they are both refusing to leave or whatever. It isn’t just gentle parenting to be fair. I find all the scripts and what you’re supposed to do a bit ineffective in the reality of the moment!

So what would you currently do in those circumstances? Gentle parenting is essentially saying I understand that you don't want to go but we have to leave because..... and making sure that happens.

And I’m asking how! Genuinely, if you couldn’t physically remove them?

As to what I’d do - not sure to be honest. Probably say ‘ok, see you!’ and pretend to go (which I realise is not GP approved.) I haven’t had this exact situation for years thankfully.