To think gentle parenting works better online than in real homes?

[CalmNotPassive]

The influencer version looks beautiful.
The real-life version is often exhausted parents negotiating with toddlers for 45 minutes.

AIBU to think it’s idealistic, not always practical?

What's the non-gentle solution here? I mean what would you do?

Probably say I was going anyway: the ‘Ok, bye!’ Or use chocolate 😂

I am not sure if what I did was strictly GP but that sounds not far off what I would have done but I'd have given a bit of explanation and expressed his feelings. So "look I can see you don't want to leave but we have to so we can have lunch so we have to go now" then walked off.

This is where I think you need a certain type of child though as mine would always have immediately followed, he just wasn't (and isn't as a teen) a defiant type.

Yes - that would be very very frowned on by gentle parents. Which is where I do think it’s fine to follow the principles if they work. If they don’t it’s pointless. But gentle parents will say it always works or is not gentle parenting.

Allll the bribery! Or threats

Realistically most of us are going to end up using a mix of approaches throughout our parenting lives. Keep what works, discard what doesn't. Keep ploughing on.

On a different though related note, I wish MN would introduce a bot that detects the phrase "gentle parenting" and sends a popup: "STOP! You're about to post about Gentle Parenting. Are you sure that's what you mean? Could you be talking about Permissive Parenting or Not Parenting instead? Here's a resource (you must scroll to the end before posting):"

Weeeeell

While I know theoretically there is a difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting, in practice it is less defined.

Everything looks better online that IRL. Including all the advice on MN.
Why don’t you just LTB….

Gentle parenting isn’t even a real thing. There is no agreed definition, it means wildly different things to different parents. I know so many people who consider themselves gentle parents and it means nothing.

The internet has been banging on about it for 20 years, not since influencers, and I have seen many of the early exponents grow up. The gentle parenting isn’t happening when they’re 7/12/16

Gentle parenting isn’t negotiation. It’s realistic boundaries for a small human being whose brain isn’t as developed as an adults, they need help to understand while simultaneously setting firm boundaries that keep them safe and healthy.

that said, it’s extremely hard work when you came from a ‘tough love’ childhood. I always try and treat my children with the same respect and dignity I expect myself, but sometimes it slips, I shout, I get fed up. It’s all normal.

As usual, a post about gentle parenting that doesn't understand what gentle parenting is.

100% my thoughts too. I like to think I practice general parenting most of the time, but that sure as hell doesn’t mean negotiation and lack of boundaries to me!

The leaving the playground conversation, you’d translate the child’s emotions for them- Are you sad because you want to stay longer? Does it make you feel all cross and bad tempered? I know, it feels yucky! Come and have a cuddle. We have to go now, but I will make sure I cook something extra nice at tea time/you can choose the songs in the car/have something to eat while we wait for sis at school.
And carry them off, preferably while you’re still talking and cuddling.

You are basically processing their emotions with them, and teaching them a self soothing technique. When they become frustrated as older kids, they’ll have a range of soothing strategies available.

It doesn’t mean you’ll never have a screaming toddler under one arm. It hopefully means you rarely get angry because they aren’t immediately doing as you say.

That works if they aren’t at the top of a climbing frame and refusing to come down and you’re 39 weeks pregnant totally never happened 😗

To be fair, none of the other methods work then either! You are reduced to finding a non pregnant parent to climb towards them with the intention of ‘getting them down for mummy’, and hope they run to you instead!

My eldest never again tantrummed on the floor after a nice man came to talk to him and offered him a lolly if he’d stop crying 🤣
Singaporean parenting of boys!

DS still prefers no one talk to him, as a 30yr old ND tech professional!

@PrizedPickledPopcorn I guess this is where knowing your own child is key. Ds would move for chocolate; dd would be distraught at being left. But neither are approved by gentle parenting. And gentle parenting always works. So …

@DahlsChickenz but isn’t that wrong? It’s supposed to be natural consequences so when no shoes are put on, dc goes without them.

In my house that would have been:

”in 5 mins we’re going to put your shoes on and go to nursery. Remember 5 minutes is how long it takes to watch Peppa Pig - it’s not a long time.”

(dc ignores me)

”ok time to put shoes on.would you like your wellies or your white trainers?”

(dc refuses)

”well it’s time to go in 1 minute so you can either walk to the car in your socks or you can put the shoes on.”

(dc walks to car in socks;giggles a lot; I take clean pair of socks and shoes and dc agrees to put them on)

I think it works pretty well offline. Parenting is not the tiny snapshot you see of people in passing, it's all the time you spend with your kids, and kindness should be the first rule, IMO. That doesn't mean you aren't firm or don't tell them off, or have boundaries, or are not consistent.

I think I’m fairly kind to mine but if something just isn’t working I sometimes do have to find something that does and occasionally that is shouting or threatening or bribing.

this is what gentle parenting actually looks like - kind but clear boundaries, acknowledging feelings but also giving the child the security that an adult is in charge. Or as i like to call it, just ‘parenting your child like they’re a human being’. It is NOT never saying no, letting a child think their feelings trump everyone else’s, or never setting boundaries. Unfortunately that’s how it seems to be practiced by many and it produces deeply self absorbed children.

@Clefable can you tell me which books you recommend please?