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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holding the baby

29 replies

Trying24 · 21/12/2025 15:41

DS is 5 months old, just to preface I have health anxiety which has only been made worse only the last month with seeing articles and horror stories about the ‘super flu’ and RSV. I mostly know when I’m being ‘over the top’ or ‘dramatic’ but it’s how I feel and I try my best to be chilled on the outside but inside I’m panicking.

Before having family / friends visit or going to them, I always ask if they all feel well ie no colds / sickness and it’s hard for me but I put a lot of trust into them to tell me the truth. Ive asked people to not kiss the baby. I always ask them to wash their hands before holding the baby too and my family / closest friends just do this without my asking now and don’t mind in the slightest.

My MIL and her partner visited today (my husband asked them yesterday if they’re both feeling ok during another conversation) and she said yes, why - my husband explained (again) that I’m worried about the baby getting ill but especially over Christmas. When they arrived, her partner was coughing away, sounded blocked up and had a hoarse voice. I had to really fight the urge to ask if he was ok because she told my husband they were fine and I have to trust that. I left the room for a minute to get something and I came back to him holding the baby, and he was coughing whilst holding him. He wouldn’t have washed his hands before holding him either. I just wanted to cry but I never know if I’m just being dramatic and will cause an issue out of nothing?? When they left, I asked my husband why he didn’t ask him to wash his hands especially as he clearly had a cold and he is frustrated that I’m annoyed…. Is this the anxiety talking or would anyone else find this annoying??

OP posts:
Floatingdownriver · 21/12/2025 15:45

At someone point your baby will get sick. A cold, a flu or something else. And they will be okay. Get some counselling. Parenthood is hard but this bit doesn’t need to be.

TinselTitts · 21/12/2025 15:48

I agree with looking into counselling.

You're risking your child growing up to be afraid of people and germs.

Howardyoudo · 21/12/2025 15:48

My dh would have taken the baby back immediately but most probably wouldn’t have let him hold the baby in the first place. Yes they will catch a cold, but why expose them if it can be helped. I honestly would have said something as well.

Original poster
Trying24 · 21/12/2025 15:48

Floatingdownriver · 21/12/2025 15:45

At someone point your baby will get sick. A cold, a flu or something else. And they will be okay. Get some counselling. Parenthood is hard but this bit doesn’t need to be.

I have tried counselling but I have hypnotherapy booked for January as I can’t go on! Thank you for this. A kind way of saying you’re being dramatic 😂 x

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying24 · 21/12/2025 16:16

TinselTitts · 21/12/2025 15:48

I agree with looking into counselling.

You're risking your child growing up to be afraid of people and germs.

I completely get this and very aware of that too, it’s not something I want for him ☹️ I think today I feel mostly upset / annoyed that we asked if they’re well and she lied

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 21/12/2025 16:23

TBH your MIL's partner was a dick. Why on earth would he hold a baby if he has got a cold and a cough. It's just common sense to keep coughs, colds and other respiractory viruses away from very small children. He's not the baby's grandfather so I'm not sure why he needed to even hold the baby.

Floatingdownriver · 21/12/2025 16:35

Remember, as a species we are designed to survive. Cave man had babies and so on. Immunity requires some exposure. Remind yourself that cave man weathered worse and take deep breathes.

VanillaIceIceBaby · 21/12/2025 16:43

My best friend is a (diagnosed) hypochondriac and it increased when she was pregnant and when she had her children. She’s determined not to pass it on to her children as it was her own mother that exacerbated her health anxiety. She quite often sends me a text saying this has happened and what would I do if this was my child and I just reply and tell her without any discussion. She says it helps because she can’t rationally decide and she says she can’t tell if her thinking is sensible or irrational. So with this baby holding she would have texted me with the facts and I would have told her what I would have done.

Whosthetabbynow · 21/12/2025 16:45

You don’t hold a young baby and cough all over them. F idiot

ginasevern · 21/12/2025 16:59

I agree that babies do need exposure and can't be wrapped in cotton wool. That's counter to immunity and survival, as well as socialisation. But I must admit if I was hacking my boots up I wouldn't visit anyone just before Christmas and "generously" share my germs. And I wouldn't deliberately hold a very young baby and cough all over them.

JoannaVictoria · 21/12/2025 17:20

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.
You are being a good Mum, those instincts are normal and will protect your baby.
At some point your little one will catch a cold and will be fine but avoiding it at a young age in the winter is super sensible.
I would be fuming with that person , shouldn’t have met up with you let alone held baby.

Endofyear · 21/12/2025 19:07

I think it's sensible not to visit someone with a small baby if you've got a cold or a virus. But remember people are often infectious before symptoms appear so unless you want to live in an isolated bubble, chances are baby will be exposed to normal winter viruses, catch a cold and be ill and recover - this is how the immune system works. Lots of families will have babies and also other children in school or nursery who will bring home all the normal childhood illnesses. The vast majority of babies will be fine.

While I think it's sensible to wash hands and stay away from baby while actively ill, you do need to be proportionate and not allow your health anxiety to get out of control. It's good that you're seeking help.

hollyandribbon · 21/12/2025 19:13

ginasevern · 21/12/2025 16:59

I agree that babies do need exposure and can't be wrapped in cotton wool. That's counter to immunity and survival, as well as socialisation. But I must admit if I was hacking my boots up I wouldn't visit anyone just before Christmas and "generously" share my germs. And I wouldn't deliberately hold a very young baby and cough all over them.

This. I wouldn’t pick up a baby if I was actively coughing at all, unless I had to or they were my own child.

I wouldn’t be asking people to wash their hands before holding a 5mo though, surely baby is at least rolling around by now, has floor time etc? Puts their own (not so clean) hands and toys in their mouth?

Counselling will help you a lot OP, it’s horrible to struggle with anxiety x

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/12/2025 19:16

In a couple of months your baby will be crawling and he'll put everything he encounters into his mouth.
Don't wrap your baby in cotton wool. They need exposure to germs.

Laiste · 21/12/2025 19:17

5 weeks yes, 5 months no that's OTT

💐💐

However a considerate person would say i've got a cough i won't hold the baby just in case.

Once your baby is crawling or up on its feet (and 2 of my 4 walked at 9 months god help me) those little fingers will be all over the floor and bits of the house which are very much not sterile.

They need a few germs to get the imune system going !

greenwithglee · 21/12/2025 19:17

I'd be fuming OP and probably would have left when I turned up and saw the state of him. Yes your baby will get colds and get poorly, but there's no need to take unnecessary risks. You asked a question, they lied, they should be called out for that not protected from it.

You know next time they will just lie for a visit.

HeyThereDelila · 21/12/2025 19:20

You need to get help for this.

Your baby is quite big now and should’ve had their jabs. They will get ill at some point - and they will be fine.

Please seek therapy before you pass your anxiety on to your child. Once your child is at school/going to birthday parties/starts nursery they’ll have an 18 month period of catching everything going: it is normal and you need to learn how to live with this.

CatsKoalasBunnies123 · 21/12/2025 19:26

On the one hand, he absolutely was a dick. No normal, considerate person who has a cold and cough would hold a baby. And you are YABU for not saying anything then and there.

However, generally you are way too anxious. You need to get a handle on it because it's preventing you from tackling situations rationally I.e. Kids will get colds and people might enter your house with a cold. But someone with an obvious sickness should absolutely be challenged and not hold a baby.

Starsea · 21/12/2025 19:51

I would expect people to make some effort to keep illness from my baby so holding a baby when you're sick and coughing is pretty annoying. Having said that it wouldn't have caused me any anxiety and I wouldn't have stopped them coming into the house.

Tbh my main issue with illness isn't their health, it's my health. Looking after a baby when you are ill is torturous.

Exposure to germs is good for building immunity. Illness can be serious for babies but most babies get sick then recover just fine. Me and my baby had the flu when we she was 6 months. She slept a lot, and we were both in bed together for about 3 days but we're out of the worst of it after that.

TheIceBear · 21/12/2025 20:16

I was quite protective of my first who was born during Covid but I’ve just had my second and I am a lot more relaxed.I mean the thing is if you have another child the eldest will be constantly bringing bugs home and there is nothing you can do about it. You just have to get on with it and accept they are going to be exposed to illnesses. That said it’s careless to hold a baby knowing that you are unwell in my opinion .

CurbsideProphet · 21/12/2025 20:20

I don't think it's overprotective to be unhappy someone is holding your baby and coughing over them. To me it is very bad manners to visit anyone when you have an obvious cough and cold, if you haven't told them and checked it's ok for you to still visit.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/12/2025 20:26

I can't believe you're asking people to wash their hands before holding your 5 month old baby.
That is unnecessary.

mumof5five · 21/12/2025 21:56

Assuming you had a flu jab while you were pregnant, and an RSV jab, your baby is protected somewhat. Keep windows cracked open when visitors come over to let germs out.

diyisnotmyforte · 21/12/2025 22:14

I would have lost my shit at that. YANBU!!

pinksquash13 · 21/12/2025 22:15

I understand your feelings. I'm similar. I try and remind myself that post covid, some children were really poorly due to lack of exposure to germs. I still support hand washing though.

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