To wonder how you talk to men?

[cantbejustme]

I'm 43. 2 teenage boys and a husband.

Every now and again I feel like I get myself in a pickle where a man thinks I'm interested. Most recently its been a colleague, then yesterday i realised again with a football dad whos joined in recent months. Didn't think anything of it- until yesterday when he came to pick his son up from trampoline park, came over to me started saying he remembered me from years ago (work, same industry), and seemed to know a fair bit about me (I thought we'd first crossed paths when his son joined football team as couldn't remember him). It became apparent he is single parent , clearly thought i was too (husband rarely watches these games as he manages our eldests team so is with them). I genuinely thought we were having a chat, like I would with any of the mums at football. With mention of my husband he went bright red and couldnt run away quick enough. Now I think about it he does make a beeline for me in saturdays (I had assumed he didnt fit in with the blokey dads, or the mums and there are a couple of us who aren't cliquey and will chat to anyone).

I'm a very average looking 40 something year old with a very average body. I'm always wearing many layers, wellies, bobble hat when I see this guy. My son is diagnosed autistic and I often wonder if I am (and maybe a spot of ADHD in there too) so I am a little worried I'm leading people on by giving out some sort of vibe (maybe the eye contacts off and giving the wrong impression?)

I never realise whats going on til its fairly obvious. But I can't get over men thinking you might want to shag them just because youre having a quite mundane conversation with them (about work, sport, kids).

I'm just interested to know is it me? Is it them? How do you stop these awkward things happening? Make sure you talk about your husband in your first sentence when you introduce yourself or just avoid them or?

I have a no smiling no eye contact policy with men which keeps them away pretty good. I hate talking to me anyway because they are so boring.

This is a him problem not a you problem. He has made a presumption based on a stereotype. You have been friendly, which is absolutely fine and normal.

If he thinks a woman speaking to him in a social setting is “leading him on” he needs to go and join the Taliban.

You’re fine as you are, OP. Let him think about his own presumption and prejudice and crack on being you.

I don't know, I just talk to them. Sometimes I get the sense that they are interested, and then I might discreetly bring things round to me being married, but it doesn't seem to send them off, which would not be my goal necessarily.

I suppose you could try and mention something about your family early in all conversations with men, just to be clear? Or, you could get a wedding ring. that does stop some inquiries.

A lot of men think any woman who has been polite and friendly towards them (or is paid to talk to them eg a barmaid) is a potential shag.
I doubt there is anything you are doing wrong.

It's never really crossed my mind to worry about it or do anything differently.

Why would I?

If they fancy me it isn't my problem 🤷‍♂️

You’re not doing anything wrong so just carry on as you are. If a man is interested he’ll make a bee line he doesn’t look too deeply for “signals” IME. Sounds like he thought you were single rather than you gave off a I really like you vibe.

Equally if a man isn’t interested you could pretty much flash your boobs at him and he won’t make any kind of move.

What @Thepeopleversuswork said (and @TinselTitts ). It’s nothing you’re doing wrong. If some guy thinks that a spot of conversation on the sidelines is some kind of come hither, that’s his own issue with sexualising women, rather than just seeing them as people who might relate the fellow human-beings in a non-sexual way.

But if he thought you were single, it's ok for him to be interested? He backed off when you mentioned your husband. All good. You don't need to change anything?

I avoid men like the plague.

You didn’t give him the impression you were interested. He was simply hoping you might be, which is perfectly reasonable. There’s a big difference.

Did he say she was leading him on?

He clearly thought her conversation was signalling interest and availability if he literally blushed and ran off at the mention of a husband.

You are most likely doing nothing out of the ordinary OP. I have gotten myself into so many of these awkward encounters simply for having manners. It’s gotten to the point now that I’m almost standoffish with men, the opposite to how I am with women. I do not like to portray myself in such a way but I was fed up of them taking advantage of my politeness.

I appreciate this is going to sound like one of those ‘small violin’ moments but I am what would be considered conventionally attractive and slim, a lot of these men would be twice my age, half my height, overweight, and bald. It was almost insulting. A lot of men lack self awareness, and do not hold themselves to the same standards as they set for women. You give them an inch and they’ll try to take a mile from you. The point I’m trying to make is, it is a numbers game with a lot of men. They will throw themselves at any opportunity. As a PP mentioned, limited eye contact and no smiling works well for most.

I dunno, I just talk to them normally - dh thinks I’m quite flirty by nature, I think I’m just warm and friendly (he thinks it’s a sweet trait I have 😂). The thing is, I have a severe case of resting bitch face until I’m in a conversation with someone and then I light up and become quite animated and that’s where the warm and friendly nature comes out, dh said it was quite magnetic when we first met, that I looked cold and disinterested and that it was compelling that I was actually lovelier than he may have first thought. I took it as a compliment albeit quite backhanded 😂😂😂
I’m mostly grateful for my RBF because not a lot of people want to talk to me 😜
You didnt do anything wrong op, I rarely feel that any man talking to me is interested in anymore than a conversation so I’m hardly likely to go in all guns blazing with “i’ll stop you there, I’m not interested!” - I’d look mental. Plus I’m chatty and sociable and don’t mind having conversations with strangers, men or women.

With a side order of 'Mum watching kids sport must be a single parent coz clearly that's Dad's job' thrown in for good measure.

OP - sounds like a man was interested, you picked this up and tactfully told him you weren't available and he moved off - possibly feeling a bit embarrassed.

I can't see an issue with this.

I talk to men the same way I talk to women. Most people are just passing through your life. Share some pleasantries, the odd joke, professional discussions, common interests, discussion of why the bus is late...

Do you wear a wedding ring?

If he hadn't signaled to the OP that he thought she was leading him on she wouldn't be posting about it.

The OP is clearly a decent and considerate person (possibly to the point of being a bit of a people pleaser) and has taken it upon herself to think that she might have sent the message she was available to men because she is open and friendly with them.

She needs to know that its not her responsibility to police and manage men's presumptions about what she is going out on her own taking her son to a football match or making polite conversation with them.

This is a classic example of women having been socialised to think that it's all on them to manage men's expectations, their moods, their desires. Well, it's not. The OP is well within her rights to take her son to football and to have a friendly conversation with a bloke she meets there. It's not her job to anticipate someone else overstepping the boundaries.

Exactly.

The only thing you are doing 'wrong' is taking responsibility for other people's feelings and behaviour.

I talk to men in the same way I talk to women.

I don’t think this man did anything particularly wrong though. What if he thought he’d made a bit of a connection with you and then felt silly when he realised he’d made a mistake? Life can be lonely and he wasn’t rude. Maybe just give him the benefit of the doubt.

I am the same. I also don’t think he has done anything wrong.

He’s probably fed up with online dating and trying to find a relationship in a more traditional way.

I am an attractive size 8 married mum of 2 and never had this issue! I think I just shut people down 😂 probably my resting bitch face.

Its not that he’s done anything “wrong”, its that the OP seems to think she’s led him up the garden path by having a conversation with him.

If women are made to feel that it’s their job to constantly anticipate and plan for the possibility that someone else will misunderstand their intentions they are hidebound by these conventions. It’s hugely limiting.

No one is saying this dude deserves to be shamed for being presumptuous. He made an honest mistake probably.

But its also not fair for the OP to carry guilt around and limit herself because she had a friendly chat with a bloke at a kids football game.

Agreed, she shouldn’t feel guilty and she shouldn’t limit herself. But she also said she couldn’t get over men thinking you want to shag them because you’ve had a mundane conversation with them. And I do think this is quite a derogatory way to talk about this man who wasn’t rude and could be given a bit of grace himself.