Why are abusive men so good at playing the long game?

[booblar]

Long story short, my son's (7) dad is not a nice person. Went through family court, spent a long time on supervised contact only. Fact finding found in my favour for emotional abuse, coercive control, racism, neglect of our child when in his care, aggressive behaviour etc. He had no contact for a number of years as court would not allow it. They then decided he had changed his ways (he hasn't).

Our son is quite obsessed with him which would be nice if I didn't know what his dad was really like. I still see glimpses of his horrible behaviours but I have don't everything in my power to have zero contact with him, as he raped me in the past (resulting in our son) but not enough evidence for the family court. So I cannot stand even being near him as I'm still very scared of him.

Our son sees him ever other weekend for a day as thankfully he lives hours away, and for a few days during every holiday. He has done a number of things in the past when our son has been playing up, and reacted really harshly, but generally he is hiding his behaviours and filling our son's head with 'you should come and live with me'. I think he's good at hiding it as he doesn't have him for long periods of time so it's easy to maintain the perfect dad facade. He showers him in gifts which I cannot afford and keeps trying to get him to add him on the playstation so they can play together (I've said no so I'm the bad guy).

Half of me is glad he doesn't see that side of his dad and sees him as a hero, but the other half is dreading the day that goes wrong, and ashamedly I am envious that he sees his dad as this incredible person and I am just boring mum. Kids are inherently selfish so of course they are going to gravitate towards the gift giving party dad.

Son is now saying he would love to live with him. He's 7, I don't take it too personally, but sometimes it hurts because of how abusive I know his father to be.

Has anyone any advice? Does the mask wear off? I'm scared of how wrong this might go for both of us.

They are good at playing the ‘long gane’ as they are narcissistic abusers whose personality is the condition. It is intrinsically then so the fans will last ad long as they exist.

Why cant your son see his real personality? Well because he is successfully hiding ur and because your son is 7.

Fucking hell. Read the OP to see how her son was conceived! Have some empathy! Actually try finding some humanity!

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast

Not at all helpful

He raped me without a condom. Nobody here has any right to question my choice to keep my son. Thankfully I am wise and resilient from my experiences, so your comment does not hurt or surprise me. Some women however are still struggling and are early in their journeys (as I once was) and may be reading this, so please in future, think before you type.

OP I know this type. These men are very clever, sly, manipulative and observant. They take time to see what makes you tick and what your triggers are. They are charming and everyone has a good word about them but deep down they’re nasty and devious. They play the long game because they’re clever enough to know that not doing so won’t work in their favour. I’m very suspicious nowadays of charming men.

It’s not about compassion it’s about answering the question in the OP. Why can’t a seven year old see his father is a coercive controller and abuser and thinks he wants to live with him? Because he is seven and it’s his dad. If an adult couldn’t spot all the warning signs, and I’m sure there were plenty going into the relationship, then a seven year old certainly can’t.

Op have you done the Freedom program?

I’m certainly not questioning your choice to continue with a pregnancy as a result of rape. I’m answering the questions in your post.

Did you really write that?

What a transparently miserable attempt to blame me for my rape. To suggest that I gave my son a bad father is a whole new level of mental gymnastics that could surely only be performed by a true misogynyst 👏 My son's father is the problem (and I would argue that you are also, a problem). I would prefer you to take your victim blaming elsewhere. Ta!

I’m sorry you had to read that @booblar My jaw hit the floor at the lack in compassion and the victim blaming.

The child of an abusive man is the victim, abusive men are abusive and will be abusive to children the victim is not to blame, but abusive men will always be abusive, the children of abusive men have to navigate the relationship with them as best they can

Groundbreaking response thank you.

Yes that’s true.
I wish I had been aborted sometimes- I did a lot when I was younger as my abusive father was/is so much to bear.
edit- my mother told me I was ‘the result of a quick shag on the carpet’ and ‘don’t have a child young it will ruin your life’ (she was 21 when she had me)

Well, I came here for advice and possibly some shared experiences, to help me navigate this co-parenting situation I find myself in, not the have my son's existence or my choice to love and raise him brought into debate. It's very jarring that an ask for support has veered into a general vibe that a termination would somehow have been better. My son is here, he is so loved, so bright and wonderful. His existence is certainly not a mistake to be theorised by people on the internet. If anyone has any advice related to my original OP please do respond but if not, I hope you all have lovely Christmases.

I agree with pp who said narcissist. They want to look like the good guy so do all they can to keep up the image - unless you cross them or you're the scape goat.

By being obsessed with him, DS is providing supply to his dad and as long as he keeps that up he'll want to keep him around. He'll want to look like a great dad and he'll want to win against you and get his son living with him. He'd soon lose interest then no doubt once the drudgery of day to day parenting sets in.

It's all very messy and difficult OP and i don't think there's any easy answers. His dad is probably the master of manipulation and perfectly charming when he wants to be and it's hard to fight that when they can be so convincing to others. All you can do I guess is be there consistently for your son and hope his dad gets bored/tired of his Disney dad games. If he meets someone else there's every chance he'll start focusing on them and stop bothering with your son. Sadly your son is likely to end up hurt one way or another by him, all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces if it does happen.

I finally realised that my ex had no thoughts, feelings, deeds that he didn’t think through first thinking “what’s my goal/how can I make this work for me/how can I get admiration/validation”

with some people it’s so intrinsic and automatic it’s like breathing.

All you can do is hope for the best and plan for the worst. I’d suggest you document and record every interaction you or your son have with him. My ex would say one thing, then do the complete opposite. He kept changing his mind as time progressed because different/better options came along. Don’t trust anything he says until it happens. Protect yourself and your son.

I had similar when I divorced and my much older DD thought her dad could do no wrong. My therapist answered that sooner or later, she would see through him, and she has - but it’s been very difficult for her.

It makes it more important that you are always consistent, honest and reliable with your child. Think of yourself as the steadfast rock in the stormy sea that your child can cling to, when he inevitably gets cast adrift by his unreliable father.

I probably seem a little dramatic, but I’ve been deeply scarred by my experience.

I'd be inclined to start telling him some form of the truth.

That his dad used to hurt you and for a long time, the police/court said he couldn't have contact as it wasn't safe.

He needs to learn that adults can put on an act and appear very nice, but actually they might not be.

Can you move far away?

I don’t know how this works and understand parental alienation is a problem you don’t want to be accused of - just interested in how come lots of people are encouraged to not inform the child of the dad’s true nature? Surely if you (not op specifically) know someone is dangerous in a particular way, you warn the child so they know? This is not a dig - it is a genuine question. Is it courts that say you can’t or is it that people think it would upset the kid to find out their dad is nasty?

like in adoption, they say now it’s best to give the kid an understanding of their background and birth parents’ situation (in an age appropriate way) from an early stage in most cases. And facilitate access with birth parents safely (letters, visits, etc) if possible - if not then not. So why are kids who are not adopted not able to get the same support to understand their background? Is there guidance on this?

The messages were deleted so, although I couldn’t read the - clearly - hateful words, I can certainly imagine what was said.

1. Fuck those people.
2. What a godawful situation you are in, that should not be minimised.
3. I’m certain that when your son is old enough he will see his father for what he is. I think that all you can do is what you’re obviously doing: providing a safe, loving home with clear and healthy boundaries. That man is odious and toxic and will let your son down in a myriad of ways in the future. He’s doing the unforgivable thing of using your son to fuck with your head and screw up your life in whatever way he can. These men do not change. Ever.
4. I’m so sorry you have this to deal with, but please know that the majority of people are not vicious and hateful trolls. I don’t know what goes on in their heads that make them spew such hateful comments and frankly I don’t want to. Please refer to point 1.

Sorry. It’s just hard having abusers in your life. I ended up marrying one too so my children had to put up with it too until they were teenagers and could see through it. They haven’t had anything to do with him for years and I have totally protected them from him after they realised what he was (and I was able to extricate them from his grip)
I suppose the difference is that I was never protected and everything was minimised or brushed under the carpet/hidden from view. That’s what has made me feel very unloved over the years.
I can see you’re not doing that with your son x

No one said anything hateful at all 🤷‍♀️

it’s always easier to be angry at people who point out the bleeding obvious.

I suppose it’s the only way they can reel women in.
Sorry, OP

I agree with this.
I would try to arm him with enough information about his dad to 1. Protect himself against him and 2. Understand that his behaviour isn't normal 3. Understand how you are behaving so he doesn't blame you.

Your ex has already got his hooks in him. I would be very worried that he's going to be brainwashed