Why are abusive men so good at playing the long game?

[booblar]

Long story short, my son's (7) dad is not a nice person. Went through family court, spent a long time on supervised contact only. Fact finding found in my favour for emotional abuse, coercive control, racism, neglect of our child when in his care, aggressive behaviour etc. He had no contact for a number of years as court would not allow it. They then decided he had changed his ways (he hasn't).

Our son is quite obsessed with him which would be nice if I didn't know what his dad was really like. I still see glimpses of his horrible behaviours but I have don't everything in my power to have zero contact with him, as he raped me in the past (resulting in our son) but not enough evidence for the family court. So I cannot stand even being near him as I'm still very scared of him.

Our son sees him ever other weekend for a day as thankfully he lives hours away, and for a few days during every holiday. He has done a number of things in the past when our son has been playing up, and reacted really harshly, but generally he is hiding his behaviours and filling our son's head with 'you should come and live with me'. I think he's good at hiding it as he doesn't have him for long periods of time so it's easy to maintain the perfect dad facade. He showers him in gifts which I cannot afford and keeps trying to get him to add him on the playstation so they can play together (I've said no so I'm the bad guy).

Half of me is glad he doesn't see that side of his dad and sees him as a hero, but the other half is dreading the day that goes wrong, and ashamedly I am envious that he sees his dad as this incredible person and I am just boring mum. Kids are inherently selfish so of course they are going to gravitate towards the gift giving party dad.

Son is now saying he would love to live with him. He's 7, I don't take it too personally, but sometimes it hurts because of how abusive I know his father to be.

Has anyone any advice? Does the mask wear off? I'm scared of how wrong this might go for both of us.

Why was your post deleted then?
Op needs support not a lecture

Oh my god, I'm so sorry for the awful responses you've had, didn't see them as deleted, but I can guess. Ignore these awful, ignorant people.

My experience has been similar, but we've only recently gone to court. Up until about 7 my son thought his dad was amazing. But then the cracks started to show. I've spent a lot of time teaching my son about right and wrong and the way people treat each other. I've pointed out things on TV and podcasts and explained manipulative behaviour. Around 7 he started making complaints about him lying etc. And I was very honest and said yes, he sometimes lies, it's not something we do in our family, but unfortunately it's a habit your dad has.

Even doing all this, it still took him a full year to tell me what his dad was doing to him. Despite me always telling him to tell me if anyone did anything he didn't like. I stopped contact and my son never wants to see him again. He has told the everyone involved that he never wants to see him and we finally have a court order for no direct contact.

My son sees him for who he is. In my experience they have to take it out on someone, and when his older sister stopped going there that's when he turned on my son. Now he's lost contact with me and my son, he's turned on his older half sister again.

I guess you could stop contact if you're concerned and go to court again, but while your son wants to see him they will probably give him contact. It's such an awful situation to be in. I felt helpless for so long. Sorry I don't have anything concrete for you to go on. ❤️

"I've spent a lot of time teaching my son about right and wrong and the way people treat each other. I've pointed out things on TV and podcasts and explained manipulative behaviour. Around 7 he started making complaints about him lying etc. And I was very honest and said yes, he sometimes lies, it's not something we do in our family, but unfortunately it's a habit your dad has"

Good advice!!

I’m so sorry you went through that. But you sound amazing at raising your boy and being a constant in his life. Yes unfortunately your son will see the fun side of him and will be taken with him, but that’s just normal for a child. One day, one day he will see through it. They can’t keep up appearances forever.

Abusers need victims. I am sure that when you and your ex were first together, that he wasn't a brutal aggressive rapist - that part of his personality only showed itself later, when he'd got you entangled in the relationship. He is the same with your son. Eventually his true nature will come out.

I agree with the poster who said that it may be time to start giving your son an age-appropriate version of the truth

I don’t know if they are.
The truth is they reveal themselves pretty quickly in retrospect. I look back and it was all there within six months. It’s just that you don’t want to see it and you’re so invested in it not being the case.
That we try and see the good people
Which is why we rely on others to point out the floors if people have lost their support crew and people who are vested in the individual succeeding in life
It’s very difficult to navigate

Humans have “axioms of belief” that we live by. The sun is hot. Water is wet. Christmas is fun. Etc etc.

It is very hard to convince yourself that one of these is not true. Even with huge amounts of evidence.

“Daddies are good” is pretty constant in the media etc so it will be really hard for your son to break out of this.

A very frivolous example of this is that years ago my husband and best friend threw me a surprise party. Looking back afterwards there were so many clues and signs. I must have been a complete idiot to not realise. But I did not have a clue. Because “there is no party on Saturday” was one of my “life axioms”.

I am so sorry for what you have been through, OP. You son is 7 - he might be drawn to the masking Disney-dad for now, but it won't last. The mask will fall and your child will see through his dad, and also come to value and cherish the stability, love and security you provide him. I would urge you also to play the long game. Just focus on providing your child with the love and security you clearly appear to be doing, and trust him to make the right choices and have the right judgment. He will in time and with maturity. Sending lots of positive and healing thoughts your way.

There’s always a twat appears on these threads. And today it’s you @EvangelicalAboutButteredToast

Thank you. I started by asking him 'what do you think of that?' To gauge where he was in his thinking. Then built up from there. I'm determined he won't be abusive himself or be a victim of an adult abusive relationship. 🙏

I always have to remind myself that as an adult I fell for my ex's act, so I can't blame my nearly 7 year old and 3 year old. My eldest has recently noticed some things, understands dad isn't kind to or about mummy, things like that. I just listen and ask however feels about it. Telling your child anything negative about the other parent will only feed that narrative that you're the bad guy that is being sold to your son by his dad. But even though my son is starting to figure things out, he still can't wait to see his sad and asked me recently to apologise and that we need to move on. It's hard seeing him slowly realise things, but he needs to do it as his own pace, a bit like how I did while in the relationship, but my kids will have me every step of the way who understands and supports them.

In the meantime, I an looking into play therapy for my kids so they have a safe place to work through their feelings as kids can often feel they are to blame, and to also work through the mixed messages they are receiving.

I am also choosing books which help, our most recent one is 'The Sky Is Red' which helps kids to challenge what people say them. I'm teaching the kids skills like questioning, a favourite game is 'face or opinion', we do things like baked beans are the best food ever and discuss if it is a fact or opinion, and then when eldest has friendship disagreements we use it in real life context. But I never actually discuss dad, unless he brings it up. I also talk about choosing family and friends Then I tell him he's allowed to feel that way, I repeat back to him what he has said so he feels listened to and I understand.
Also make sure school are fully informed.

Because you report a post and it gets deleted.

i hurt feelings by pointing out the bleeding obvious. The child is seven and stands absolutely no chance of seeing through the actions of an abuser if the mother failed to do so. I obviously should have just offered a hand hold and my sympathies which I’m also happy to extend. .