DH doesn’t engage with Xmas or us..

[Stbernadettesteacher]

Around 6 weeks ago I started a watsapp group with DH with links & Xmas present ideas. It’s our DC birthday around Xmas too.

I work 12 hours a day in a school, DH works 9-3:30 in an office (and is paid more than me!)
Throughout Nov and Dec, I have continuously bought and wrapped presents for friends family and our children’s teachers as well as:

•Organised xmas lead up activities for DC like theatre/ visiting friends
•Bought & wrapped gifts for everyone
•organised hosting his parents and meet ups
•De-cluttering the house and cleaning to make said hosting easier
•bought and cooked food when hosting
•bought and put up Xmas tree
•bought and posted Xmas cards
•bought a bunch of thank you cards and started a thank you list
•booked DC birthday party, made an invitation and sent out invites
•bought all of DCs stocking and gifts for bday and Xmas
•Sent parcels abroad and to friends
•Kept on top of laundry, housework
•cleaned out and made fires
•bought fire making stuff
•hoovered
•mopped

DH is very hard to engage with any of this So, despite me working longer hours in and out of the house, I’m finding it hard not to resent him.

Last Thursday my school broke up 1 day before my DC school so having done all my wrapping etc I decided to have a whole day to myself to get my hair and nails done and buy myself some presents! DH was constantly texting me asking if he needed to buy a few of the things I’d sent him links to over the past month. My dad was messaging asking for peoples addresses even though I’ve sent them to him year after year - even buying him an address book with everyone’s addresses in one year, my sister who lives abroad and who has cut our dad off, was asking me to tell our dad that if he didn’t like the boots she’d sent him, he could sell them.

DH’s messages really irritated me. The reason I had been so organised with buying and wrapping because I wanted the Xmas break to just be seeing loved ones and letting my hair down, not dealing with panicked disorganised men’s urgent to do lists as-well. What annoyed me most is that DH had asked to use my Amazon Prime the night before in order to buy the things in the links he was asking me about the next day. When I told him this he just went all teenage and said he forgot, implying I was being a bitch.

NO!

Yesterday, I cooked a huge roast for visiting family and while I was doing so, I asked DH if he could move the jigsaw puzzle from the living room so that the visiting baby wouldn’t trash it. He said “I might, I might not”. I was so annoyed. I was there having done everything and I asked him for 1 tiny bit of help and he was being obstructive on purpose. I tried to explain the above and said I wanted him to imagine what it’s like and to empathise with why I never have a happy Christmas and he just said “I’m damned if I do I’m damned if I don’t” and went into a kind of victim mode.

He has been decidedly less affectionate in the past few months and I’ve felt lonely.

We have a fortnightly relationship therapist but I’m sick of him not doing any of the homework she sets and just loafing around.

In one of our sessions I told him his lack of personal hygiene upsets me and interferes with our intimacy. If someone told me this, I’d be mortified and immediately want to correct my ways but he hasn’t cared at all.
I’ve said again and again how I need date nights and to spend time in adult spaces to feel in touch with my sexuality but unless I organise and generally pay for this, it generally doesn’t happen.

I know I’m not perfect, I have ADHD, I struggle at times with my mood, I talk too much, I’m messy, but I do take HRT and adhd medication, I take care of my appearance, I try to make our home and our social life lovely, I pursue hobbies, I love my job, I see friends so the pressure isnt on DH to be my everything. He is very good with our DC, does all of the wrap-around school care, cooks most school nights, food shops and can be a lovely partner. It just feels like we’ve lost our way as a couple.

The worst of it is that I feel he doesn’t desire me. I feel anxious as he doesn’t give me any positive feedback about my character. In the silence my mind fears he doesn’t like me, he’s put off by me. I already feel my looks are waning and have considered Botox.

Just a brain dump. Not sure what I’m trying to achieve here.

Thanks for reading.

Why does he bring to your life? He sounds like an absolute drain. You are flogging your guts out at work, managing the kids, life admin and the home. And he can’t even say thank you or step up to make your life nicer. You are an appliance to him.
Have a hard look at why you are trying so hard for a man who seems like he doesn’t a will not ever give a shit about you or his family.
Also this is the example you are setting the kids, men do fuck all while the wives manage everything.

It sounds from what you’ve said that it’s not just a problem over Christmas but a basic lack of interest or care for you or your relationship.

You’ve given the Relationship a real chance by starting a course of Counselling together. It doesn’t sound as though he has listened or is willing to make any kind of step to improve.

Exactly what is keeping you with him?

It’s not supposed to be so hard or draining in a relationship. I can’t see any reason to stay with him.

What is it about him that you like?

Turn your phone off. Tell DH and family you are going to a spa fir the day and phones are forbidden. You don't actually have to go, just have a day off!!!!

I think you should have therapy alone to look at why you are so desperate to please a fairly useless man. What do you get from this relationship?

What happens if you read everything you've written here out in a therapy session?

Often in these posts, people write something like, "but he's a great, hands on dad" or "but he's a really good provider", but tellingly there's none of this. I'm not sure you like or respect your DH very much, and because you feel like he's not listening to and acting on things you tell him, it's going to be hard to come back from. But have you actually said to him, "if things don't change and improve, we need to split up?'

Also, a lot of the Christmas stuff you can just stop doing. Next year, tell all the adults that you're only doing kids' presents. Don't bother with thank you cards - a text or in person thank you is fine. Look at ways to reduce the load - and that includes the load that is your husband!

I have ADHD and I would find that level of Christmas prep exhausting and overwhelming. I am much more of a leave it to the last minute and then let the adrenaline provide the dopamine to get through it. I dislike Christmas and I have done it for years for the DC and this year, it’s minimal as I am exhausted. So my first thought is don’t exhaust yourself emotionally or financially here.

However, the relationship problems are more deep-rooted than a mismatch of Christmas organising styles. If you are engaging in relationship counselling, there needs to be some level of agreement and engagement about the purpose of it and why you and he are doing it.

Re-reading your post, I do wonder if you are just very different people. I am usually on the side of LTB when there are obvious man issues, but I am not sure it sounds like you have any down time and I wonder if this is just exhausting after a while. I get this is an ADHD thing to constantly be doing, I am the same and ultimately, it is exhausting. I learnt from my DC and over the years that not everyone is so motivated to be doing stuff the whole time. Clearly basic hygiene is a must and fortnightly date nights are not a big ask, but people without ADHD are not such constant whirring motors. I mean this kindly as I am one, but it sounds like you are just fundamentally different. Your husband is not a bad person, as you say, he is lovely and does his share of household tasks to an extent. But I wonder how much of the relationship is you driving things and whether he even wants to be at relationship counselling.

You, madam, have landed yourself a grade B wanker. Certainly there's worse out there, but it's not a race to the bottom. This is bad enough. I want and expect more, and I expect you do too. This absolute mattress of a human needs to shape up or ship out. Good luck.

Sounds like you've married your father.

I did too.

Seconding the individual therapy.

Reading that I think I'd have inserted those jigsaw pieces into places.

OP what exactly are you getting out of your marriage, how does your husband compliment your life?

My husband is completely disengaged from Xmas. Always has been. This is fine.

I look after the things that matter to me so I did tree, theatre outing, presents, stockings etc because they gave me pleasure.

I hate hosting so never did any of this.

I have never felt any responsibility for his first family or anyone else in his world. They obviously knew him before I did so knew what to expect from him. He is who he is.

I love my husband and his positive points outweigh the negatives.

Your partner's approach to Xmas is just one facet of who he is. It sounds like you have a problem with quite a few of his facets. Does the good generally outweigh the bad?

You don't have to wait for the next life to be happy, OP. It can happen in this one.

Around 6 weeks ago I started a watsapp group with DH with links & Xmas present ideas. It’s our DC birthday around Xmas too

Why? This isnt going to work for both of you.

It's spamming. It's noise. He won't engage as it requires constant attention. When you do it, you are focused on that and it's got your undivided attention but from his perspective he's in the middle of something else and his focus is elsewhere so will just leave it because he gets it at an inappropriate / inconvenient time and then just forgets.

This isn't a level playing field - it's all on your terms of convenience. He meanwhile thinks you've got it all under control and isn't properly engaged because it's all over the place in a way he can't necessarily mentally organise. That's why it doesn't work.

Make a Google spreadsheet instead and organise a time to go through things together when it has both your undivided attention. This way you know you have proper engagement and a proper undivided conversation about this.

If there are 'Christmas tasks' to be done actively organise and split between you so you know whose responsibility is whose and so it's visible to him.

Again it's just getting done and is invisible and he thinks you have it under control.

You aren't actually communicating. That's the problem.

I've just done a project with a constantly reminding me she is ADHD colleague.
It was horrific. Really hard to work with methodically and had an air of stress at every point, mostly unnecessarily.
What worked - splitting tasks into her and me.
Praising the energy she brought to the project.
Reassuring her it was fine, although this meant she started to constantly seek approval.

I note your partner does keep the daily churn of tasks going. Does the school run, the daily dinners. Presumably keeps a baseline standard of housekeeping.
Christmas is extra on top of that, acknowledge that it's more. It will sometimes feel too much but you just have to push past.

The grooming thing is grim but also 8 & 6 is the point were parenting novelty has worn off and you still have a stretch ahead. There's not much left in reserve for catering and taking on event management.

Lazy bastard.

I’d be going for his job. Who works 60 hours a week in a school every week? You might take work home of course but can you train for his job?

So she has to do all of the pre work and force him to engage, babying him with lists, because he can't be fucked to engage like an adult, and on top of that her messages are spamming and noise? .

Wtf? Have a word with yourself

Not really- Unless I can suddenly conjure an Oxford university degree to replace my polytechnic teaching diploma.

The WhatsApp group was a mistake. He sees you as being in control of Christmas so by doing this he’s going to tune out and think you’ve got it covered. What you need to do is opt out more- his family is coming- that’s his problem, he needs to organise everything for his side of the family. Don’t do anything. (I made this mistake in my previous marriage).

Apart from that - I’m amazed you still want to have sex with him. He’s dirty and lazy. My vagina would say nope! Urgh.

He sounds totally unbearable and he isn't even clean!

You would be so much happier on your own. You must be seething with resentment every day.

This. It’s not just your husband that’s the problem, you’re making work for yourself. Stop sending so many gifts, especially abroad. Do you need to write a whole load of thank you letters? Most people have a phone these days, text instead. As for your dad and sister - if he can’t be bothered to keep his address book somewhere he can find it year after year, his cards don’t get sent. And I wouldn’t be wasting my time being a go between for family members.

No. I'm not saying that at all.

I'm saying that she's spamming him so looks like she's on top of it. He's reading it as her being on top of it and fully under control - not that he has to do anything. Both of them have different focal points and are misinterpreting this. As it stands it's all about what works for the OP and he incorrectly thinks it's working for her so no action is required from him at that time.

They need to sit down and have a conversation about how they aren't communicating and work out that they both need to be engaged on this. They need a plan that works for both of them and to understand what works for the other party. He isn't grasping what she's doing. He thinks she's fine and it's easy.

It's one sided ATM in various ways for both parties. They simply are effectively speaking different languages and misinterpreting the other.

I know if I did this with DH he'd do the same - and rather than engage it'd cause him to disengage because he's gone 'ok help not needed, this isn't a priority' and get really wound up by the spamming in the process so not want to engage. If we had said we need to sit down together and work out Christmas, he'd do that and be more involved because I've communicated the need for this.

Honestly it's a communication issue - not one which requires the OP to micromanage her partner.

Thanks all. NB. I mainly do this for DC.

I also don't see a reason why I can’t have the type of Christmas I like with generosity and seeing loved ones at the heart of it just because of my neurodivergence. I know the ramps to put in place to make it as stress free as possible.

I have tried to communicate eg brought a note pad to him to write lists of who we’ll buy for/ what etc but he got tired half way through, threw the notebook on the bedroom floor and ‘forgot’. I don’t mind doing it all but I do mind him coming to me in a blind panic about where the present is for x, where the cards are when I’m in the middle of cooking a roast, cleaning the house and not getting time to even wash my face before visitors get to my house.

At one point yesterday I asked are you interested in knowing the million jobs I have in my head right now and whether you could help in any way and he said ‘yes I am’. I gave him all the Xmas cards and presents for the village and told him to go and deliver them with DC but he kept coming to me asking questions.
Because I have adhd I have to be very organised because my brain goes blank or gets overwhelmed if overloaded with tasks when a deadline is looming. DH knows this but merrily does it anyway. If he could just take ownership of one aspect without me having to be involved I’d be able to focus.