to feel this bad in the run-up to Christmas?

[KeepingmyNameASecretforThis]

I just feel terrible, and I wonder if I'm being unreasonable because there are mitigating factors.

It's a bit of a tale of woe, unfortunately. My husband left me because he said I wasn't pretty enough, my mum died, my dad died, these bereavements caused two of my closest friends to stay away, and my brother wouldn't see my parents when they had dementia, one after the other. Second bereavement - Mum - was 18 months ago, but then we had hell sorting out the estate and the family home and dealing with her nasty partner. Now my brother doesn't want to really see me either. He's just disappeared into his world with his wife and kids. He didn't want me on my first Christmas with no parents either, so I spent it alone last year.

Usually I cope OK, but I have been really struggling in the run-up to Christmas, which I'm spending with a good friend. But it hurts so much that the one immediate family member I have left doesn't want me at Christmas. Which means I don't get to see my nieces and nephews either. (We live far apart.) I don't know why I'm surprised; he's never wanted to be around us much, ever since I can remember.

Mitigating factors are that I have some good friends, and am usually good company. I make people laugh. I'm usually able to shake things off, but I've been extremely upset and tearful the last few days. I just feel so, so alone and unwanted, with my dear parents gone, no partner, and a sibling who doesn't want me either. Nobody wants me. Usually I'm able to have a good attitude and laugh off my sibling and not take it personally, but I've been falling apart the last few days, which I really didn't expect. And it's so unfair, because I am a good person who looked after my parents with dedication, at a cost to my own life, and I see so many less-nice people around me with people who love them.

ETA: I'm grateful that my friend asked me, but angry that I'm with someone else's family instead of my own. I feel like I'm never going to forgive the man who left me or my horrible sibling.

I have a nice job, and a home, and friends. Please help me to stop drowning in misery and self-pity.

Yeah it’s shit and I’ll probably be in the same situation as you within the next 5 years when my parents sadly go. I have siblings but we aren’t that close. It’s worth remembering that just because you share blood it doesn’t mean you will automatically get along. Sounds like your friend wants you, and that can sometimes be a closer bond than family.

But my SIL and my four niblings have no issue with me and niblings love me, as I love them. But controlling Big Man Bro rules the roost, so no family for me at Christmas. I am very grateful to be invited by my friend, but they are not my family. I have a family, and I would like to be with them, instead of with someone else's family.

I will never, ever forget how this feels, to my dying day, even if I remarry etc. I think it's actually worse than my first Christmas alone last year. I slept through most of it and didn't care as I was missing my parents so much.

Shame on my brother. He is the very opposite of the spirit of Christmas and Christian charity. Frankly I hope there's a hell and I hope he goes there when it's his time, I really do. So hurt and angry. And it seems to have crept up on me. I'm in a bit of a state.

Try let that anger go…..it won’t change anything…..just drag you down…..wishing you well for 2026

I know. Thank you xxx It's just really hard. Bro has this big house and lovely spouse and four kids, and somehow I've ended up with nothing. If the situation was reversed, nothing could make me fail to invite him for Christmas. I would never, ever leave him on his own knowing that he didn't have anyone. But then, I could never understand how he could leave our parents on their own either.

We are constantly told Christmas is a time for family. All the ads and films show families coming together and having a magical time. When you don’t have that it’s difficult not to feel sad and maybe resentful. But even people with families don’t have those magical Christmases that are rammed down our throats from October onwards. Just read all the posts from people here who have families who will be spending the holiday together and how fraught and miserable it’s going to be for them.

It’s a shame you don’t have a better relationship with your brother but I bet that isn’t as hurtful during the rest of the year when you aren’t bombarded with all the hype about togetherness.

And you do have someone who wants you. You have your friend who has invited you to spend Christmas with her. Isn’t that more meaningful than a dutiful invitation from a relative?

I do sympathise, but put your crappy brother out of your head and have a cracking Christmas despite him.

and of course, In ten days time it will all be over.

I do have a family, but thanks to my brother, I won't be able to see them this Christmas.

I'm sorry you're brother is useless and is so blind to see how hurtful he is being. My brother is very much the same. My mum passed away many years ago and when it was just me and my dad, he never thought of inviting us for Christmas with his wife or coming to us , instead just went and played happy families with her huge family.

My dad and I had xmas just us two and I didn't actually enjoy xmas for those years as it hurt seeing and hearing about everyone else with their big families.

Now I'm married and before I had my child, I brought my dad to me every year as my brother again wouldn't think to ask him, despite the fact he and his wife had kids and did xmas just them in their home. This means I never have an xmas day with husbands family as they live far away although they had previously said my dad could come along too.

Now I we have a child the situation remains the same, my dad comes to us. I'd never even ask my brother to have him as wouldn't want him to feel unwanted, it's more the fact he has never asked.

Like you SIL is great and we all get on.... Maybe could it be something you bring up with her?

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas, enjoy it with your friend.. Remember friends are the family you choose for yourself and they sound like a lovely caring soul.

Oh yes, your situation sounds very similar in terms of the parents and brother! I also had some miserable Christmases alone with my mum, just the two of us, with her not able to see her grandchildren. What on earth is wrong with these heartless people. I could never, I just couldn't do that to immediate family members who were bereaved and had no partner.

It can be hurtful but some people do just want to spend the day with their immediate family rather than extended family and I think you have to accept that. I’d much rather be at a friends who wanted me there than a relative reluctantly agreeing to host me. Some of my oldest friends are like siblings to me, I am much closer to them than I am to my own sibling.

That’s because you are a far nicer person than your brother OP. Take heart in the fact that you are a good person.

Im also feeling miserable this Christmas because of my brother - for different reasons (he’s been using coercive control to exclude me and my children from my parents lives so we won’t get to spend Christmas Day with them yet again).

Unfortunately we aren’t all blessed with lovely siblings.

I hope you find happiness again in the future.

I don't understand that when immediate family members are terminal or are divorced, single and bereaved. These are/were not normal times in our family. That's why I'm so hurt.

Thank you. I'm sorry your sibling is such a shit, too.

Maybe he hasn't invited you because you judge him, or because you remind him that he wasn't the best son.
Whatever the reason, he is entitled to live his own life and not invite you for Xmas if that is what he wants.
You need to let go of the resentment or it will make you bitter. Start to build a life for yourself instead. When was the last time you had a self indulgent holiday. I think I'd start planning one for the new year. Time to treat yourself.

I have been very careful not to let him see my judgement, because I don't want to be cut off from the children. We live far apart, and we have a good relationship via text.

He's certainly entitled, you got that right. And I will be entitled not to be there for him if he ends up on his own one day.

I've got no one to go on holiday with. All my friends are busy with their own families and I'm not going alone. I've been there and done that before.

Wishing hell fire on another person is not what a nice person does.

It is natural to feel this raw pain at times like Christmas, when people celebrate being together and you have lost so much.

I would stop expecting your brother to step up, he isn’t going to, and it’s only going to create more feelings of sadness and loss. He is there but selfish and absorbed with his own life. Continue to establish an independent relationship wih your nieces and nephews. Can you develop a stronger relationship with your sister in law and other relatives?

Your losses are very real, have you had Counselling op?

Are you interested in dating again?
Joining mixed hobbies?
Growing your community links?
A church?

You can root yourself more firmly in the area you are in, and then you have a second family of choice.

i would share your feelings with your close friends, so they can support and check in on you. Let yourself be sad and resentful for a while. It’s okay to grieve what you have lost, a family of your own. I don’t know your age, but msybe it isn’t too late. You could even consider adopting or fostering if you wanted to.

I'm 51 and have a demanding job. I don't see myself adopting or fostering, but it was a good suggestion.

I have stopped expecting anything of my brother, after I saw his shocking and disturbing behaviour towards our parents when they were ill. But this pain in the run-up to Christmas has surprised me.

I don't want to date. But I will do the other things you mention, like getting more involved with the community. I've been depressed after caring for my parents for so long. I am on antidepressants and usually they're very helpful, but the last few days and today are really rough.

Thank you so much for your kind, supportive message.

ETA: I think having a pet would really help me. Maybe a cat. There is no "side" to animals, they're just themselves. I don't have oodles of money to spend on their medical care though, and would hate to be in a position of having to have them put down if I couldn't afford 5k for an operation or something.

Even so I think it’s quite normal in many families to not have extended family. It is hurtful, but sounds like you have a lovely friend who will enjoy your company.

My brother is not extended family, he's immediate family, and our parents weren't extended family either.

Sorry I meant to say normal in many families just to have immediate family as in wife, kids. Some people do like it be just them on the day itself.

It’s a waste of you to allow so much of thoughts to be of this brother. Don’t give him any more of yourself.
Maybe try to find something that will totally absorb you? I decided to weed a badly overgrown garden path & whilst I was out there found some lovely pussy willows already beautifully silvery & ready for picking.

I am sorry for your losses OP, you have been through so much.

I don't have a relationship with either of my siblings, they aren't nice people. The difference is, I wouldn't choose to spend my Christmas with them because they are "family". Being related doesn't excuse poor behaviour. I'm not sure why you would choose to spend Christmas with your brother given you don't get on, don't approve of his treatment towards your parents and you live far away. It doesn't sound like it would be a happy, pleasant experience and I don't think you would come away feeling wanted or loved like you would hope. Probably quite the opposite.

I can understand the feelings of not being wanted but the thing is you are. You are obviously wanted by your wonderful friend and I would choose to nurture and nourish these relationships instead. And create seperate relationships with your nieces and nephews too. I hope you manage to enjoy your Christmas regardless.

You can't force a relationship that's isn't there ..
Family don't always do the right thing
You have had two loving parents your whole life ,to spend many many Christmases with .
I haven't seen my dad in 30 years and my mum wasn't interested..so no Christmas with either of my parents since I was 17
Not a gift or card ..not a phone call.
I have no happy memories to fall back on ...and none of it was my fault ,year after year I sent presents and cards and reached out and pleaded ,but nothing ever came back ..with them was a whole huge family who I lost as well ... through no fault of my own..
So as I said .. people don't always do the right thing ,you can't make someone love you ,you can't make someone want to .
I should know ,I spent a lifetime wondering what I did wrong..no idea ..
You have a friend who wants you ,and a life ahead of you to make new memories with new people you had yet to meet xxx

Sounds like you’ve been through an awful lot OP, so give yourself some grace. Unfortunately you probably just need to accept your brother for who he is and that he can’t be the brother you want him to be.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your friends and feel a bit better soon x

Just wanted to add, I’m single and no kids and live in a different country to my family but there are issues in my family dynamic that mean it wouldn’t be perfect if I lived near them, so I can understand where you are coming from but I’ve found that I just need to accept these things for what they are rather than the emotional turmoil in wishing things were different x