to feel this bad in the run-up to Christmas?

[KeepingmyNameASecretforThis]

I just feel terrible, and I wonder if I'm being unreasonable because there are mitigating factors.

It's a bit of a tale of woe, unfortunately. My husband left me because he said I wasn't pretty enough, my mum died, my dad died, these bereavements caused two of my closest friends to stay away, and my brother wouldn't see my parents when they had dementia, one after the other. Second bereavement - Mum - was 18 months ago, but then we had hell sorting out the estate and the family home and dealing with her nasty partner. Now my brother doesn't want to really see me either. He's just disappeared into his world with his wife and kids. He didn't want me on my first Christmas with no parents either, so I spent it alone last year.

Usually I cope OK, but I have been really struggling in the run-up to Christmas, which I'm spending with a good friend. But it hurts so much that the one immediate family member I have left doesn't want me at Christmas. Which means I don't get to see my nieces and nephews either. (We live far apart.) I don't know why I'm surprised; he's never wanted to be around us much, ever since I can remember.

Mitigating factors are that I have some good friends, and am usually good company. I make people laugh. I'm usually able to shake things off, but I've been extremely upset and tearful the last few days. I just feel so, so alone and unwanted, with my dear parents gone, no partner, and a sibling who doesn't want me either. Nobody wants me. Usually I'm able to have a good attitude and laugh off my sibling and not take it personally, but I've been falling apart the last few days, which I really didn't expect. And it's so unfair, because I am a good person who looked after my parents with dedication, at a cost to my own life, and I see so many less-nice people around me with people who love them.

ETA: I'm grateful that my friend asked me, but angry that I'm with someone else's family instead of my own. I feel like I'm never going to forgive the man who left me or my horrible sibling.

I have a nice job, and a home, and friends. Please help me to stop drowning in misery and self-pity.

Thank you for everyone's input. It's very helpful.

I’m with you OP - I too have complex hurtful family

BUT

your brother has his own immediate family - you are not his immediate family now - kids don’t owe parents - it was your choice to care for them - he can lead his life how he wants

and if things went on when you were younger and your family was troubled - siblings can often block you because you remind them of that past

I say this as someone in a family where my sister controls access to parents

there is grieving to be done in families like ours - it’s very painful and amplified by the “happy family season”

I GET IT about people wanting to be a nuclear family. We always did that too. We always took turns hosting our parents and we always spent Xmas with our spouses and inlaws or parents. And him with his children after they came along, of course. In the last twenty years or so, we spent Xmas together in 2004 and 2017. So it wasn't normal.

My POINT is that if he had no children, his spouse had left him, and both our parents had died, there is NO UNIVERSE in which I would leave him alone in THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES. These are not normal circumstances for me. It's not at all normal for me to have no spouse, no in-laws, and no parents to spend it with.

But that's the difference between him and me.

Our parents would kill him if they could know he wouldn't invite me when he knows full well I'm on my own. Even my STBX husband's mother is still alive, and even if she wasn't, his brother and nephew would never leave him on his own.

Well, one day he might be on his own, too, if anything happens to his spouse or marriage, and if his kids are all with their in-laws every other year so they can be together on the other.

I know he'd want to spend Christmas with me if the boot was on the other foot!

@MrsDoomesPattersen And I disagree. Siblings are immediate family. Plus they're the only ones with you your whole life. I already said that he's my only immediate family, and you swoop in and say he's not. Could you be any more fucking hurtful?

It's all very well if you're smugly married with kids to shove your immediate family members of origin aside, even when their life has fallen apart, because you think you'll never need them again. But it might be you on your own one day, so think on.

I am on my own- with my sister blocking access to my dad - having lost my husband recently so be careful what you say

your brother is not as kind as you - and just because you would do it he wouldn't - we can’t control others..sad as the case may be

these are your words “i don't know why I'm surprised; he's never wanted to be around us much, ever since I can remember”

your post was about whether YABU to think he would want to be with you

I just don’t think he sees you as immediate family and you are clinging on to something that isn’t there and needs grieving. When you are young and in the family home - yes you are immediate family but he definitely doesn’t see you that way now he has his own wife and kids

you could always ask for an invite?

I understand your losses and the sadness of being on your own. My point is why you want to spend Christmas with someone you clearly (for good reasons it seems), don't think much of and don't really have much of a relationship beyond texting. Would you really be able to put aside all that resentment just for one day.

There's so much pressure on Christmas to spend it with family and the importance of this but surely this only works if you get on. I really don't understand wanting to spend one day with someone where there is clearly massive issues between you. The rest of the family would pick up on this and it isn't fair on them or you.

You sound like you have wonderful friends, something many people don't have it. Focus on spending Christmas on people who do love you and want to spend time with you.

We would all like people to behave the way we expect or want them too. I have a a brother as well who's behaviour leaves a lot to be desired. I'd be great if we got on and he was an involved member of our family but he's not and I've learnt you can't control people or change their behaviour or how they act.

I’m so sorry about your husband. 😢 💐

That’s the conclusion I came to as well - that I’d rather not. But I feel so bad bc I wonder why he can’t just be a decent human being and make me feel welcome at this awful time in my life. I could never do the same if things were reversed.

Also, it's not just about seeing him, it's also about seeing my niblings.

ETA: I know you can't change people, and I thought I'd accepted that. The book Let Them is great for this. But it took me by surprise how bad I felt in this run-up to Christmas. I'm feeling better now though. My doc upped my anti-depressant dose a bit recently and it's kicked in now.