To feel DH is being really insensitive (TW)

[kerikaz]

I’ll start with saying I’m going to talk about suicide, please don’t read if that will upset you.

In 2019 my DS aged 20 at the time took his own life. The grief has never really left me, it never will. He was troubled, but such a kind boy, and incredibly loving. He had been with his girlfriend since they were 14/15, she had been a staple presence in our home, best friends with my daughters, I was really fond of her, and she was incredible to DS as was he to her. We grieved together, and have kept in touch. Every year since 2019 (except 2020) when she has come home for Christmas we’ve met up, exchanged gifts, gone for lunch, visited DS’s grave, had a drink for him at the pub. It’s become a really lovely part of Christmas for me, just her and I, DH was never interested in joining nor were my DDs. We’d talk about life, DS and memories.

This year at the start of December she messaged telling me she wouldn’t be coming home for Christmas this year and was going to her boyfriends family, she asked if I would lay flowers for DS for her. She said she would visit around April for her dad’s birthday and asked if we could meet up then. I do totally understand why she can’t make it, I’m glad she is happy and moving on. Normally it would be the Saturday before Christmas we’d meet up and today I couldn’t help but be distraught, that she wasn’t there.

I feel there are few people who knew the kind, loving side to DS. He and DH clashed often, so while DH is devastated he doesn’t have an abundance of happy memories to share. Our daughters do have happy memories but they find them painful to share and I never push. His girlfriend was one of the few people who really saw him, not for the troubled boy he was but for the kind, funny, loving soul underneath. He absolutely adored her, when she left for uni he’d drive 6 hours there and back most weekends just to see her, spent what little money he had on her often, spoke about her always.

Today I visited his grave alone and it felt like a new grief, the reality that the world really does keep turning, everyone is moving on and while it doesn’t mean he’s forgotten it does feel like the little marks he left on the world are being erased slowly by time. Obviously I’m not saying that shouldn’t be the case, it should, everyone deserves to move on, but it does hurt none the less.

DH asked why I was so upset and I explained, he told me I was being silly and I need to accept his girlfriend isn’t his girlfriend anymore, and one day she will get married and have children and we will likely never hear from her again. I guess I hadn’t really thought about that yet, maybe naivety assumed it would continue forever. I’m sensitive and I know it’s totally irrational but every time I sit with my thoughts too long I imagine how devastated DS would be that she didn’t visit. I know that’s totally unfair and I probably need more therapy.

DH has now said I really need to get a grip as being this sad “isn’t normal”.

AIBU to think he could be a bit more considerate? I appreciate to him it’s not a big deal but it mattered to me.

I'm so very sorry for your loss x

Your DH is being extremely insensitive. Even if he did think you were being silly (which imo you are not at all) then he should have kept that to himself and comforted you. Obviously everyone grieves differently but there's no need for him to be nasty about it and he really was quite nasty in what he said.

I'm sorry op, you sound like a wonderful Mum.

Yes he should be more considerate.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. My friend took his life aged 30. It was painful for me. But I can’t imagine how bad it was for his parents who are still grieving. It happened 6 years ago. It’s honestly like he’s frozen in time.

I think it's totally normal to grieve for the future he should/could have had and she represents that for you. And I can also understand your need to have someone to talk to who wasn't afraid to talk about him.

You sound like a great mother. Your dh is being unreasonable.

It is nearly 10 years since I lost my son.I don't believe the grief will ever leave me.I am fortunate that my dh and dc are supportive and we all grieve together. I am sorry your dh is unkind and insensitive. Your feelings are completely normal and understandable. I am sure you are fully aware that your son's girlfriend will build a new life eventually and you will come to terms with it gradually.
My ds's friends have got married, had children, moved on with their careers. It is painful but I have to deal with it and be happy for them. If my husband behaved as yours has done I would be very, very hurt.
I am so sorry for your loss.

Was your dh your ds’s dad? He seems so cold towards you and this situation.

I don’t think there is any level of “normal” in grieving the death of your own child. You literally created him and gave him life, and now his life has ended. There can’t possibly be a normal way to feel, and the depth of sadness you feel must be immense.

Being told to get a grip just isn’t constructive at all, so in that, yes your husband could really be more considerate. He may not feel the grief in the same way as you, but you should each be able to find a respect and acceptance for how each other is feeling. It doesn’t sound like he has that and it must leave you feeling awfully alone. I’m so sorry for the situation you have found yourself in.

I think, as you say yourself, you would benefit from more therapy. You might also benefit from couples/relationship therapy together.

Regarding the girlfriend, I think your husband has phrased it brutally, but I agree that there will come a time when she needs to move on from having a connection with your family. You could actually help her do this, without pushing her away. Nearer her April visit you could say something to her such as “I’m really pleased for you that you have found happiness in another relationship. As much as I love you/love seeing you, I would understand if you didn’t want to visit the grave with me anymore ”. This allows her to either respond with “thank you I appreciate that” or with “I am happy but it’s still important to me that we keep in touch.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💙

I couldn't read your post but share my love. My son is 20. I dread this in his age group. I know men can be abusive and many of their age group seem so affected by porn and social media. But the good ones seem very affected. I hope you have been able to find good support.

I know what you mean.
My son Colin died on the 4th December, age 20, an unbelievable 23 years ago.
Xmas is still a sad time, and always will be. My son's girlfriend was with him when he died (she woke up next to him) and we are still in touch, not as much, but still in touch. She has moved on, and rightly so, married and has 2 teenage sons. I am truly happy that she did so as I worried about her too. So yes their friends do move on, and it's right that they do so. They are not forgotten but the memories must have faded with time.
For us parents, 23 years is nothing. We still grieve every day. The memories only cause pain as there are no new ones to laugh or smile about.
Outwardly we seem to have moved on, but nobody told us how to, and where to, move on to.

OP I am so very sorry for your loss. I think your DH has been extremely insensitive.

I can empathise with much of what you've expressed even though I lost my child in very different circumstances. My baby daughter died suddenly and unexpectedly at 9 months old. She would be 35 now but I still grieve for her and think about her particularly around Christmas and her birthday. Like you I feel I don't really have many people to share this with. My first marriage never really recovered from the loss and I have no contact with my exH. My current husband is a kind man but he never knew my DD as I met him years after she died. My other 2 DDs are younger and never knew their sister either and my family thought the best way to deal with things was never to speak about my DD ever again. As I've watched her younger sisters grow up and get married I often wonder about how her life would have been.

I can understand how much it must have meant to you to be able to share your son's memory with his old girlfriend and how your little Christmas routine would have brought you comfort. I'm not really sure what to suggest. Because I didn't really have anyone to share my daughter's death with, who knew her, I developed little rituals around her birthday and when she died that I carry out on my own. It reassures me that at least I still remember her even though no one else really does.

I wish you all the very best and I hope moving forward that you manage to find some new way to mark your son's life that brings you some comfort. Sending a hug and very best wishes x

Wrong thread Bondix!

OP… maybe try to rephrase it as your DS would be very happy to see her moving on with her life. If he really did love her he would want her to find love again, get married, have a family.

No matter what happens in her life, she will never ever forget him. Remember that.

And your DH was really very insensitive.

Gently, I don't think either of you are unreasonable, but I can see how it hurts.

Sharing your son's memories with the one other person that truly 'got him', can feel like keeping his memory alive. Then not having her, and hearing the truth from DH is a hard listen. Thoughts around how your son would be devastated isn't normal - but then no grief is normal, especially after a suicide.

The suicide in our family has left similar feelings. The one who doesn't share your thoughts, and appears insensitive or dismissive, isn't wrong either. Your husband is correct, she is no longer his girlfriend, and it is hard to see her life moving on when your son's isn't. It doesn't make their time together any less, or dimish his memory, but perhaps exploring some therapy might be helpful for you. Best wishes to you, OP.

Sending love to all those who have lost a child. It’s the worst of nightmares and an unimaginable grief. I am so sorry xxx

Maybe ask MN to remove your comment that you accidentally posted here?

@kerikaz

I am so sorry for your loss 💐.

Your DH is not brimming with emotional intelligence is he?

I hope you have someone to talk to; you mentioned therapy. It’s ok to be sad. Grief is so layered. Take care and I hope you have a happy Christmas.

I feel your pain as ds took his life a year ago aged 25.
I love his partner of 8 years as a daughter. I hope she finds another lovely partner as she has been robbed of her future at such a young age and deserves happiness .
However I understood how you feel. Grief is a terrible thing and it is different for everyone. You would never know I'd lost a child if you met me. But every day I cry alone thinking of the utter waste of a life and the ripple effect on so many people.
I hope you have a peaceful Xmas x

He is probably upset that he and you have not been able to share your grief together in the way you and the gf shared it. He has likely felt excluded and is angry that you were sharing your grief with someone else. Your son has gone, his gf has gone and it is your dh who is still here and yet he may feel like the least important. Have the two of you had many open and frank conversations about how you are each managing your grief?

Op I am so sorry for your loss. I found in my experience of loss, it was really difficult to see the world keep moving. Those were lovely traditions you've created with his girlfriend. My family suffered a loss thirty years ago and each year friends of my loved one would visit my parents when they were home at Christmas. As they got older and married and moved away the visits became less frequent and it was sad that happened. My parents understood why, but it still made them sad

Your husband was really insensitive to speak to you this way.

I sort of think you’re both right, although I agree the way it was phrased was very bald and could have been expressed in a way that wasn’t as blunt.

It’s been nearly thirty years since one of my brothers took his life. And I’m sometimes struck by what a different world it was: the photographs of him look very dated now in terms of hairstyles and clothes, music he liked is no longer popular, and I guess the sort of zeitgeist feel of the late 90s with Tony Blair, millennium bugs and email just emerging as a mainstream thing has completely gone, it all belongs to a different time.

In many ways it’s hard as the bereaved but it’s also a comfort. Life does move on; it doesn’t mean you ever forget your loved one of course but things need to keep moving forward, babies are born and the seasons change, children grow up, and yes, his girlfriend will move on in terms of new relationships. But that doesn’t mean what they had isn’t meaningful and wonderful.

It's lovely that you share these special moments and memories with his girlfriend. OK it may not last forever, and this year is a sign of that, but it's a measure of the woman that she still asked you to lay flowers for her. Keep that, as long as you can, but be ready for it to fade (it may not, though).
It's also a measure of the man, that your husband is such an insensitive arse!

I agree with this. Your husband’s grief will be different, possibly more complex as their relationship was more complex.

Yes he was insensitive, possibly because he’s a callous uncaring man or possibly because feels he’s lost not only his son but his wife who is changed forever by her grief.

When it isn’t the anniversary or a particular special occasion, reflect on your marriage generally. Would therapy together help? Losing a child puts terrible strain on relationships.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s unimaginable.

I feel that your husband may have phrased it wrong but the thought behind it is right. It's time for his girlfriend to move on with her life and probably cut ties with you. You can grieve however you want but other people have to live their lives too.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died 8 years ago and the grief is still there even though I have moved on to an extent and have another child. You come across very kind and understanding. You aren't expecting your son's girlfriend not to move on. I wish my husband's parents were more understanding.