I’ll start with saying I’m going to talk about suicide, please don’t read if that will upset you.
In 2019 my DS aged 20 at the time took his own life. The grief has never really left me, it never will. He was troubled, but such a kind boy, and incredibly loving. He had been with his girlfriend since they were 14/15, she had been a staple presence in our home, best friends with my daughters, I was really fond of her, and she was incredible to DS as was he to her. We grieved together, and have kept in touch. Every year since 2019 (except 2020) when she has come home for Christmas we’ve met up, exchanged gifts, gone for lunch, visited DS’s grave, had a drink for him at the pub. It’s become a really lovely part of Christmas for me, just her and I, DH was never interested in joining nor were my DDs. We’d talk about life, DS and memories.
This year at the start of December she messaged telling me she wouldn’t be coming home for Christmas this year and was going to her boyfriends family, she asked if I would lay flowers for DS for her. She said she would visit around April for her dad’s birthday and asked if we could meet up then. I do totally understand why she can’t make it, I’m glad she is happy and moving on. Normally it would be the Saturday before Christmas we’d meet up and today I couldn’t help but be distraught, that she wasn’t there.
I feel there are few people who knew the kind, loving side to DS. He and DH clashed often, so while DH is devastated he doesn’t have an abundance of happy memories to share. Our daughters do have happy memories but they find them painful to share and I never push. His girlfriend was one of the few people who really saw him, not for the troubled boy he was but for the kind, funny, loving soul underneath. He absolutely adored her, when she left for uni he’d drive 6 hours there and back most weekends just to see her, spent what little money he had on her often, spoke about her always.
Today I visited his grave alone and it felt like a new grief, the reality that the world really does keep turning, everyone is moving on and while it doesn’t mean he’s forgotten it does feel like the little marks he left on the world are being erased slowly by time. Obviously I’m not saying that shouldn’t be the case, it should, everyone deserves to move on, but it does hurt none the less.
DH asked why I was so upset and I explained, he told me I was being silly and I need to accept his girlfriend isn’t his girlfriend anymore, and one day she will get married and have children and we will likely never hear from her again. I guess I hadn’t really thought about that yet, maybe naivety assumed it would continue forever. I’m sensitive and I know it’s totally irrational but every time I sit with my thoughts too long I imagine how devastated DS would be that she didn’t visit. I know that’s totally unfair and I probably need more therapy.
DH has now said I really need to get a grip as being this sad “isn’t normal”.
AIBU to think he could be a bit more considerate? I appreciate to him it’s not a big deal but it mattered to me.