Christmas burnout

[tiredofchristmas]

I’m sorry but I really hate this time of year. It doesn’t help that I have 2 young kids who are up all night (4-5 times usually) and work full time in a stressful job, but my goodness I hate this time of year. The constant battle to think of meaningful Christmas presents for relatives you don’t particularly know well but have expectations of the perfect present. The endless shopping, the money dripping away, the social expectations (off no sleep and long hours at work), the to do list 10 x longer than normal, the relatives emotionally blackmailing you into contorting yourself into doing things (visiting people mainly) when you have no time and no energy, feeling pressured into eating and drinking unhealthily and your kids being fed non-stop junk, trying to stop your kids pulling the tree down on themselves. I’m so tired I can’t talk. I’m getting more and more depressed by the day.

Christmas is supposed to be a Christian festival to celebrate the coming of God’s son. Can we go back to that please? I can do a carol concert and maybe cook a roast, eat some mince pies and spend more time with my husband and kids. The rest is beyond me.

You do have some agency and you don’t have to do something because others expect it or because other people will feel the impact of their choices or because someone will be upset ?

why do you get to be upset so that they don’t? You have put yourself at the bottom of the pecking order and that’s a crap place to be so no one will step up to take your place

say no a lot more and in the long wrong their lives won’t be any worse

I've only read as far as this comment, so don't know if anything else is going on, but the effects of sleep deprivation should not be underestimated. It will be making everything feel 10x worse.

If you do anything, for the love of god find a paediatric sleep consultant. They're worth their weight in gold.

I realised many years ago my family put an enormous amount of pressure on me (always) but I noticed it most around Christmas time. When I had a newborn, I gave myself permission to just get very small gifts for everyone. It went down terribly and there were many passive aggressive comments made. I distanced myself from them, to the point we don’t talk anymore. This was more so because they didn’t like the boundaries I had set. I hadn’t realised the weight of expectations until there were none. Just being with my small family makes Christmas so much more manageable. My Husbands family are on the same page, so when we do make plans it’s very chilled, no one makes anyone feel bad and we only buy for kids. Now if I want to get adults a gift/agree to plans, it’s by choice not guilt.

OP, I completely understand how difficult it is to just say no. I was conditioned to believe I was a bad person if didn’t stretch myself beyond what felt manageable. I do think everyone has a breaking point though, where it just isn’t sustainable to please so many people. Mine was when I was offered no grace when I felt so vulnerable.

It’s nearly over now. Not long to go now.

Everyone will die soon , the cards will dwindle as will your Christmas present buying list - be fine 😳
Women fought to be seen as men in the work place - stop going on about it and just be grateful you have a ‘busy’ Christmas - some poor sod will be sat on their own , wishing they were busy !

Too late for this year, but maybe organise next year a meeting with all the relatives that are able to get up and get out? Perhaps meet up for a xmas meal in a pub, swap prezzies, then nobody has to go see each other over the few days of xmas. May take some of the pressure off at least plus probably good fun.

Does this help the OP? !

I suppose unhealthy food is hard to avoid if going around to someone's house and it's all they serve.

Does that often happen though? I can’t think of a time if been to someone’s house and they’ve force fed me burgers!

@Lovetocook49 "Women fought to be seen as men in the work place" what on earth does this even mean and what does it have to do with Christmas? Weird

I agree, and feel the same, and it's impossible to say 'no' without hurting people. 3 of the people here at Christmas would be entirely alone if we did, for one thing. And the same applies to friend commitments, you can't just tell people to get lost. It's a huge juggle every year of catering (special diets) and buying and working and even the writing cards and letters and wrapping up and making sure everyone has something to open/feels loved/isn't lonely.

I learned to say no and it was so worth it. Basically explained that as family life had changed (kids) that we were no longer going to cram visiting all family in a week or two! We have pared it completely back, make sure we plan something in Jan (Sunday curry for one side of the family) and have gone from hosting 9 people every year to catching up with them that evening and really enjoying their company as opposed to feeling it was all work. Change is uncomfortable. Send out the message now - relatives who are 'sad' will be fine if they know you have something planned in Jan. Remember not to pressure your own kids in years ahead too!

Don't do it all next year. Tell adult relatives you dont want to exchange gifts. Decline some social occasions. Preserve your peace!

Might you be looking at 2 neurodivergent children there…?

What is it with people who choose to do a bunch of unnecessary bollocks every Christmas and then complain about how burnt out and fed up they are?

I don't understand the angst. I really don't.

MIL always expected us to spend Xmas day with her. I went along with it for a few years but didn't enjoy being in a house where the entire day centered around dinner The following year I said early enough that we wouldn't be going to her on Xmas day.
I then tried to recreate the full on Christmas dinner at home but nobody really ate it. The kids picked. I couldn't care less about dinner. I am fascinated reading threads on MN about how people are salivating at the thought of their Christmas dinners. Do these people not eat every other day. If I enjoy eating certain foods, then I'll eat them whenever I feel like eating them. I don't wait for the 25th December before allowing myself to buy the food I want to eat.
From then on we bought M&S prepared food and eat that. The entire dinner 'preparation' takes approx twenty minutes. We eat it in half an hour max. We tidy up and relax for the day.
It really doesn't have to be a stressful day.

We visit family two weeks before Christmas and we visit other family who are nearer to us on Boxing day.

I cut down dramatically on gift buying and buy for each other and the children and buy smaller gifts (average thirty pounds each) for seven other people - I mostly buy.gifts online and have them delivered directly to the recipients.

Next year I intend to scale back the pre Christmas outings. I can save three hundred pounds by not booking two of the usual annual outings that the kids didn't particularly enjoy this year.

If anything Christmas feels like an expensive non event

It can be really hard to say no.

i did manage to say no to more stuff this year and honestly I feel better for it and mostly it hasn’t been missed (pre Christmas outings mostly).

I do feel much less burnt out than last year

You can go back to that if you like, you need to make choices and set better boundaries.

Christmas stress can creep up on you so easily. It's happened to us in the past. Stepping off the treadmill of doing everything at once takes a bit of thought and forward planning but it can make it feel calmer and more enjoyable.
We borrow a bit from the traditional idea of advent as a time of waiting and preparation (I'm not especially religious the rest of the year), and slow things down. It gives a loose sense of purpose in the lead up, and delays all the excitement until closer to the time. We save the extra treats and indulgence for Christmas Eve which makes it feel more special somehow.

We keep a few simple traditions that don't take much effort: an advent calendar that tells the nativity story (no chocolates); an artificial tree that comes out around the Winter Solstice and stays up until Epiphany; writing a letter to Santa; going to a Nine Lessons & Carols Service; and an evening walkabout to enjoy other people's lights and decorations.

On Christmas Day the children open a small stocking from Santa in the morning. The rest of the presents remain until after lunch. It helps keep the day feeling unhurried. We do paper hats and crackers at the table but otherwise it's very low key.

Finding a rhythm that suits your family is the key. For us, simpler has turned out to be happier and much less stressful.

Amen sister!
I got the bus earlier today to town to grab some bits and was chatting to a lady I know in the Que and then we sat together on the bus and we were chatting away and this older women had the ordacity to say “it’s just one day”
Yes Christmas Day is “just one day” but the lead up to it is mammoth with kids it’s none stop - Halloween and half term over then it’s full throttle.
I’ve been up cleaning and wrapping going to bed now up at 7 to drive to another city to see a Panto with relatives 😱

husband will drive not me!

YANBU.

I’m trying to get better at saying no, but with school-age kids, there is just so many things going on. The social pressure is intense.

We live in the Southern Hemisphere, and it is doubly bad because it is also end of the school year just before Christmas. So in addition to Christmas events, in the lead-up to Christmas we add in racing around to school prizegivings, end-of-year concerts and so forth - all in the summer heat! It’s mental.

I’m starting to feel the drag too, OP. I’ve got a toddler and life is just this, work or running around for errands. Can’t watch a tv series or a movie just on the run. It really isn’t a relaxing time of year. I think work is less stressful as it’s just normal routine not having to organise people and things over Xmas. Occasionally I organise an afternoon where I finish work early and have a few hours to myself before DH gets home and DC needs to be picked up. I recommend organising some time like this in the new year.

If you want to do all the relative visiting then can you take more annual leave around Christmas time? DH is taking 2.5 weeks off this year and it’s made it a lot more chilled and manageable. He’s done all the Xmas shopping, I haven’t had to do a thing.

What on earth is the point of this ridiculous post?

It probably a bit late to change most of the situation this year however there are things you absolutely can control. Firstly, rope your DH in. I’m not suggesting he’s useless or not contributing but marriage and child rearing is a team task. When either of myself of my DH are struggling either the other person takes the load or if both of us are running in empty then we start dumping all non essential tasks till we’re both back on form.

Speak to ALL of your relatives, explain the kids aren’t sleeping, you’re exhausted and one of the ways you’ve decided to tackle it is not letting their diet go wildly out of control. You NEED their help and to respect the new rule. If they can’t do this simple task for you then dont tie yourself in knots for these people next year.

Similarly after Christmas explain that Christmas has got a bit much so you and your partner are refraining from ‘adult’ gifts from now on. You don’t expect any back and you won’t be buying any. Remind everyone else if this around Sept too.

You need to find a way to slow everything down. Spread out the visits over Dec and Jan if you must. If you don’t look after your sanity now no one else will. If you feel guilty about your MIL cooking going forward can you help her source one of those xmas dinner kits. Lots of farm shops/restaurants sell them near us. You basically collect Xmas Eve and everything is in trays and prepared for you to just hung in the oven. Failing that could you help with the cost of a meal out to assuage your guilt (not that you should feel guilty) and buy you some freedom?