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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not remind the kids to get their dad something for Christmas?

46 replies

Sighohbarn · 20/12/2025 21:30

I am pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable.

I don't want to go into all the ugly details, but my husband, the kids' dad, left us all a few weeks ago. Massive shock. Everyone reeling.

My only concern is the wellbeing of the children.

Last week, I said to them that I would give them some money to get their dad something for Christmas. I also said that they would have to organise it themselves. The kids are 14, 17 and 19. Completely capable of doing this, and we live near the shops.

They haven't got him anything.

Now obviously, that's either their choice or their poor planning. It's not my job to organise his Christmas present, and I said that, but the only bit that's making me pause is the idea of the youngest suddenly regretting not doing anything and feeling upset that on top of everything else she has somehow 'punished' her dad by leaving him out of the Christmas presents.

It wouldn't cost me anything to remind them. And I'd be doing it for them, not him.

But FFS, how can it possibly be that he lies to me for years, shatters our precious family in the most unfathomably cruel way, puts us all in danger, ruins us financially, and mopes off feeling sorry for himself leaving me doing everything, EVERYTHING, plus supporting our traumatised children, and I'm STILL sat here wondering what the children are getting him for Christmas.

OP posts:
Saz12 · 20/12/2025 21:36

Will he have reminded them to buy you a gift?

So, thetes your answer.

VikaOlson · 20/12/2025 21:36

If you think your youngest might be upset, I would ask them about it.

FestiveBauble · 20/12/2025 21:36

Honestly, I wouldn’t remind them.

However it might be nice to have bits to hand to make a card for him? That might appease the DCs feelings of guilt.

Tbh at their ages, they’re all able to remember to do such a thing and perhaps would need to live with the guilt (if they do choose to feel it!).

SunMoonandChocolate · 20/12/2025 21:37

FestiveBauble · 20/12/2025 21:36

Honestly, I wouldn’t remind them.

However it might be nice to have bits to hand to make a card for him? That might appease the DCs feelings of guilt.

Tbh at their ages, they’re all able to remember to do such a thing and perhaps would need to live with the guilt (if they do choose to feel it!).

This!

Original poster
Sighohbarn · 20/12/2025 21:39

Saz12 · 20/12/2025 21:36

Will he have reminded them to buy you a gift?

So, thetes your answer.

Hahahaha definitely not!!

But I am better than him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sighohbarn · 20/12/2025 21:41

Loads of stuff in the house to make a card. Even some crappy boxes of chocs they could regift to him if they wanted to.

Yes, they definitely are old enough to either do this or not. But they've been through a lot. Everything has changed. I have no reason to want to make even the tiniest thing harder for them this Christmas.

OP posts:
Pebbles16 · 20/12/2025 21:45

Sighohbarn · 20/12/2025 21:41

Loads of stuff in the house to make a card. Even some crappy boxes of chocs they could regift to him if they wanted to.

Yes, they definitely are old enough to either do this or not. But they've been through a lot. Everything has changed. I have no reason to want to make even the tiniest thing harder for them this Christmas.

@Sighohbarn you sound so lovely. Sorry you are having a hard time.
I would "carelessly" mention: here's a box of chocs if you'd like to give your dad a gift. Make it easy for them (because their minds are probably reeling). If they don't do it from that, there is your answer.

ImALargeAbsentMindedSpirit · 20/12/2025 21:45

Have you given them the money yet? If so I’d ask the children if they need anything for wrapping. If you haven’t given them any cash yet I’d offer them however much you want to give them.
You can’t control his actions but you can your own and set a positive example to your DC who will remember how you both behave during this time.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/12/2025 21:48

I might have a box of chocs around for last minute regrets.

But, honestly, fuck him!

bridgetreilly · 20/12/2025 21:58

If you’ve given them the money, then it’s on them. Maybe they don’t want to get presents for the dad who just walked out. Or maybe, like a lot of teenagers, they figure four shopping days is still plenty of time.

Either way, you do not need to give it a single moment’s thought.

Saz12 · 20/12/2025 22:04

Actually, OP, you're right, I was wrong to suggest you stoop to his level. I like the advice of "here's some chocolates/whatever if you want to wrap them up for a gift to your Dad".

Sugarsugarcane · 20/12/2025 22:09

The only people that miss out here is the kids, they’ve got a lot going on so probably getting a gift isn’t at the forefront of your mind, they might even think it’s insensitive to ask you for the money even though you’ve offered.
for the sake of minimising upset at this awful time I’d gently offer again and add ‘if you don’t want to get anything this year that’s also fine, I’ll leave it with you guys’
be very wary of mixing up where you think you’re putting in a boundary with your ex and actually the kids are the ones who feel it the most.
good luck with everything, sounds like things are incredibly tough right now, I’m sorry you’re going through this x

sunnydayswim · 20/12/2025 22:11

You could hold your head up high, be the bigger person and make sure they give their dad something. You’re modelling how to be a decent human being (especially so when others are anything but decent). Much more powerful and longer lasting message for the kids (it’s not about him). I do this and strangely, it’s more satisfying. Sorry circumstances are so crap and best to you and the children as you deal with this pain.

Hankunamatata · 20/12/2025 22:14

As long as there's something in house like chocolates that they can gift incase of last minute upset then I'd let them sort it

Original poster
Sighohbarn · 20/12/2025 22:17

"be very wary of mixing up where you think you’re putting in a boundary with your ex and actually the kids are the ones who feel it the most."

"modelling how to be a decent human being"

Yes, exactly this. And although I'm trying very hard to get it right, I'm reeling myself. Probably best to err on the side of going high. On balance I'd rather accidentally do him a kindness than accidentally make things harder for the kids.

I will mention it again, and make sure they know they can give him some crappy chocs if all else fails.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sighohbarn · 20/12/2025 22:17

Thank you for kind words of support. It is tough right now. We'll get there.

OP posts:
Murphs1 · 20/12/2025 22:50

Sorry you’re going through this op, especially at this time of year it must be really difficult. I think you’ve made the right decision about taking the higher ground and showing your kids the right way to behave as well as supporting them so they don’t feel worse about anything.

Tryingtomakesenseofit2025 · 20/12/2025 22:54

When your youngest daughter grows up, if she were in your position, would you want her to remind her children to buy their dad a present?
I think not by reminding your children you are showing them how to take care of themselves.

Zanatdy · 20/12/2025 22:55

I’d remind them, because you think youngest might be upset. Not because you want him to get a present, but for your child.

Pleatherandlace · 20/12/2025 22:56

Are you sure they want to get their Dad something? Perhaps no one has done anything because actually they don’t really want to?

NoisyViewer · 20/12/2025 23:02

Sighohbarn · 20/12/2025 21:30

I am pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable.

I don't want to go into all the ugly details, but my husband, the kids' dad, left us all a few weeks ago. Massive shock. Everyone reeling.

My only concern is the wellbeing of the children.

Last week, I said to them that I would give them some money to get their dad something for Christmas. I also said that they would have to organise it themselves. The kids are 14, 17 and 19. Completely capable of doing this, and we live near the shops.

They haven't got him anything.

Now obviously, that's either their choice or their poor planning. It's not my job to organise his Christmas present, and I said that, but the only bit that's making me pause is the idea of the youngest suddenly regretting not doing anything and feeling upset that on top of everything else she has somehow 'punished' her dad by leaving him out of the Christmas presents.

It wouldn't cost me anything to remind them. And I'd be doing it for them, not him.

But FFS, how can it possibly be that he lies to me for years, shatters our precious family in the most unfathomably cruel way, puts us all in danger, ruins us financially, and mopes off feeling sorry for himself leaving me doing everything, EVERYTHING, plus supporting our traumatised children, and I'm STILL sat here wondering what the children are getting him for Christmas.

I know people are going to say don’t remind them but I would, only because you said your youngest is going to feel guilt. I think their Christmas is already going to be difficult & upsetting & non of it’s their fault so adding guilt will only make them feel worse.

you sound like a very strong woman & your being pissed off on having to remind them will pale to your own guilt if one of them becomes upset

waterrat · 20/12/2025 23:07

this sounds a tough situation OP

I think the argument for encouraging them to get him something - is that they may enjoy their day more/ feel better if they have something for him.

I also think generally its a very tedious part of parenting but making teens buy gifts, even when we give them the money and make them do it, just drives into them the habit of gift buying which otherwise they don't develop. So , I wouldn't see it as a task done for your Ex or on his behalf - but just a genearl parenting of your kids ..and yes, making sure they don't have regret.

it's absolutely galling though I can understand!

Myfridgeiscool · 20/12/2025 23:08

I’d do whatever your kids need as support.
Give them the money, suggest the shite chocolates, whatever they want to do.
They remember and appreciate what you do for them when the shit is in the fan.

edwinbear · 20/12/2025 23:11

I think you ask the 19 year old, as the adult, to ensure his siblings have bought their dad a present - and help them if needed.

cadburyegg · 20/12/2025 23:15

I think I would remind them and give them the money as you told them you would do this.

My two are younger but I take them shopping every year to get their dad something. Entirely different situation but I don’t do it for their dad, I do it for the kids. I want to teach them to be thoughtful and that Christmas isn’t just about getting presents but also what they give to others. I don’t spend a lot.

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