AIBU to not remind the kids to get their dad something for Christmas?

[Sighohbarn]

I am pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable.

I don't want to go into all the ugly details, but my husband, the kids' dad, left us all a few weeks ago. Massive shock. Everyone reeling.

My only concern is the wellbeing of the children.

Last week, I said to them that I would give them some money to get their dad something for Christmas. I also said that they would have to organise it themselves. The kids are 14, 17 and 19. Completely capable of doing this, and we live near the shops.

They haven't got him anything.

Now obviously, that's either their choice or their poor planning. It's not my job to organise his Christmas present, and I said that, but the only bit that's making me pause is the idea of the youngest suddenly regretting not doing anything and feeling upset that on top of everything else she has somehow 'punished' her dad by leaving him out of the Christmas presents.

It wouldn't cost me anything to remind them. And I'd be doing it for them, not him.

But FFS, how can it possibly be that he lies to me for years, shatters our precious family in the most unfathomably cruel way, puts us all in danger, ruins us financially, and mopes off feeling sorry for himself leaving me doing everything, EVERYTHING, plus supporting our traumatised children, and I'm STILL sat here wondering what the children are getting him for Christmas.

I would remind them.

Be very kind to yourself.
you sound like a wonderful mum, these things are so tricky to navigate but you will get there, with some mistakes along the way as we’re all human!!
hope you get some festive TLC in xx

Maybe they don’t want to get him anything? I think you need to start setting boundaries and this seems a good place to start.

I believe that a 'few' is more than two but less than seven as that would be several, so it seems your husband left around the beginning of November. 3 kids but couldn't hold on for 7 weeks so they get a last family Christmas.

No I would not be reminding them to buy him a gift. You have giving them money to buy a gift - if you are not concerned about what they have done with the money then your conscience is clear.

You may be better than him but you would be even better if you re focus and channel your energies into a new life. Don't worry about him, he's not thinking about what you are opening on Christmas morning.

Agree. I would, for the kids, not for him.

I think start as you mean to go on. It’s more gratifying to be the bigger person.

Good math, @Katflapkit . Yes, he has been spectacularly selfish in all of this, including the timing. He wanted to leave on the actual weekend our eldest got home from university, and days before our son had some very important exams. I talked him into staying for an extra 2 weeks, for their sake.

Update: I brought it up again, didn't make a big deal, just a casual "What did you decide about Dad's Christmas present?" sort of thing. I put the money in middle child's account and said that if he ended up not spending it, I'd have it back in the new year. I wasn't terribly generous.

If the split had been earlier in the year, I might agree with you. But it's very recent and they're all still reeling. The kids will be spending time and energy on coming to terms with the fact that everything has changed due to the selfish actions of their father. It's ok for them to not want to spend more time and energy deciding if a) they want to get him a present, and b) what they will get him in the circumstances.

OP, I would sit them down for a discussion on how they're feeling in general. Mention that your offer of money to buy a present wasn't a hint, and it's fine for them to not want to buy him a present or to not be sure how they feel. Let them know that their decision this year doesn't have to dictate what they do from now on. But it's ok to acknowledge that he hasn't acted like a good father this year and they don't have to repay someone who treats them like that with a gift. (It's also fine if they do want to buy him a present.)

I used to do all the reminders; birthday/Christmas/Father’s Day plus supply a small amount of money to buy a card and present. This was from the age of 3 and, of course, the younger he was the more involved I was in it all.

Anyway, it quickly became clear that there was no reciprocation. Ex-DH never thanked DS (and by extension me) for anything. I never got anything in return eg Mother’s Day card (my mum would always do that when DS was younger). DS very rarely got anything from his dad on his birthday or Christmas so we just phased out sending my ex-DH anything over the years as DS didn’t want to. Love isn’t guaranteed, it has to be earned.

It’s the first year for you and you’re finding your way. Do what feels right and see what happens in the future.

The 14 year old I might remind. 14 year olds aren't really known for being organised and still in the 'I'm centre of universe' phases. The 2 older ones not. The 19 year old should be buying with their own money. Potentially the 17 yr old if they are working.

It also depends whether they would previously have got him a present. As in, at 15 and 13 I'm just starting to get my older kids to get each other and us a token gift, by giving them money and encouraging/facilitating it.

4yrs post separation/3yrs post divorce and I’ve had to remind my children to think about what to get their father several times (13 & 16).
They said they just have no idea.
I can relate to often being stumped for gift ideas at Christmastime, however - regardless of the situation between him and I, he’s their father (a good father) and I made a point of taking them to shopping centre with an excellent variety of shops and talked about options on the way there.
Yes, the kids are of an age where they are capable of sorting out something, but I don’t want them to miss the boat to teach them a lesson. Sometimes they need a prod.

At their age, they don't need a reminder that it's the norm to get one's father a Christmas present. If they haven't, it's because they don't want to. And it sounds like they're justified. Let them show him how they feel.

They'll all be adults before you know it. And they'll remember who was there for them and who wasn't. You sound lovely; he sounds like a waste of space. Have the nicest Christmas you can with your DC, try to count your blessings (3 DC who love you, good friends, anything else that's going well) and put this loser out of your mind.

Ooof. OP. That’s a lot. And a balance for you to strike.

so I would remind all 3 of them and ask the older one to facilitate the younger ones shopping experience.
I would also say…..
I acknowledge what’s going on right now is really hard
you do not have to Get anyone a gift, not even your parents, but it is common to do so at this time of year. I don’t want to influence you either way.

the 3 of you can each make your own decision on this separate to the others. And I request you do not judge anyone whatever their decision.

if you are stumped, want to get a gift but don’t know what to get then soap and socks or Suduko tend to be the fall back gifts in many families.

Note this is the final reminder I am giving you about your father and Christmas.

you are seeing him on date / time / place and i suggest you have any gifts ready for then.

I love you always and will always be there for you. To discus this or anything else important to you.
love mummy.

Here's what happened in the end:

The kids decided not to see their dad on Christmas day. They're seeing him on Boxing day instead. They did not get him a present. They had the money in their account, and they have all three been to the shops several times, but they didn't get around to it. In the case of the eldest I suspect it's because she doesn't think her dad currently deserves the care, thought, and effort of a present. The other two just didn't get around to it. I suppose that they might regret that when it comes to seeing him tomorrow, but there it is. Crappy regifted chocs still an option.

Meanwhile, I opened a very thoughtful gift from the three of them. It made me cry. It was something totally unnecessary and fun that I mentioned to one of them weeks ago and they would have had to order it online. It was not cheap either and they used their own money. I feel so very lucky and loved by the thought and effort they went to.

Bless you OP, I’m glad they got you a thoughtful gift. What good kids.

That’s lovely I’m so pleased for you.

Absolutely not.
Remind them of nothing.
Mubd yourself.

Your post says so much.
It’s a reminder for anyone worrying about the Disney dad shite.
Your kids got you a really thoughtful present with zero reminders.
They know who has got their back and has made all the effort.
Merry Christmas @Sighohbarn

I have spent the past 10+ years doing this with my DC’s, I even get his partner something from them. This year I refused to do so, the kids are old enough to arrange something themselves if they really wanted (they don’t really want too), dd1 bought him a box of biscuits and then decided to put his partners name on the tag too as she couldn’t be bothered to buy 2 gifts. Do I feel bad? Not at all, because in those 10+ years he has never taken the kids to buy me a gift.

Oh, I'm so pleased that your kids bought you something that was thoughtful, and showed how much they care about you. It certainly shows that they know who really has their back.

Sending you my best wishes for the New Year, I hope that when things settle down a bit, you can move on, and life will be happier for you and the children.