My 1 year old loves everyone but me!!

[Embarrassedmumoftoddler]

My DS is 14 months old and it feels like he loves everyone apart from me !!

Just a few examples….

He cries when my mum leaves the room but never did it with me.

When we turn up to see family and I’m carrying him in, he will put his arms out to family but never does to me.

In toddler groups, he will be all over all the other mums, cuddling them and giving him toys but never cuddles me and will cry when I pick him up to take him back to me.

When I picked him up from MIL’s house the other day, he wasn’t even bothered I’d turned up and cried when I picked him up to go.

He actively ignores me whenever we are in company of anyone else.

All I see is other babies and toddlers all over their mums, not wanting to let go of them and my boy can’t wait to be shot of me !! I just don’t know where I’m going wrong as I’d like to think I’m a good mum. I’m a SAHM but seriously considering going back to work as he seems to much prefer my Mum & MIL

Is it possible that, rather than not wanting to play with you, he wants to call the shots and boss you about when you play with him?

Or are you getting in his way? If he's concentrating on something and then you suggest an alternative, he might not be very receptive. But if you comment on what he's doing without attempting to direct the play, you might get a better response.

i literally just sit next to him while he was playing and he pushed me away lol. Think I could leave him in his pen all day and he wouldn’t care !

My youngest DD was like this.

I had such a huge loving connection with my eldest DD and she was all 'mommy' When our second DD was born I encouraged a connection with her Dad as I wanted him to know what that was like, and she became all 'daddy' so my encouraging that strong relationship was at a detriment to my own with her. It hurt a bit. She cried when he left the room. Everything was 'daddy do it' and not me. I felt a little like she didn't love me.

However, she got to the age of 3 and suddenly she started wanting to do more with me. She took my hand, rather than his all the time, and it evened out. She grew up being a daddys girl but we also built our own strong connection over time.

She is an adult now and is my little bestie. We are VERY close (as I am still with my eldest)

Try not to take it too personally. He does love you, you are his Mum, and as he gets older and figures things out a little more and starts to understand things, and the world more, he will come to you.

Are you looking to your Son to fulfil a need in you that isn't his to fill?
Is this stopping you getting joy and pleasure in seeing this confident curious independent little character you have supported to develop?
Do.you give him the chance to come to you in his own time at home?
He might feel your need and feel overwhelmed. Set your self up away from him with interesting activities that you are engaged in for a few minutes. Singing a song, doing a bit of messy craft etc.

@Ivelostmyglasses it’s just got to me today & I feel so bitter about it & jealous of my mum & MIL that my son prefers them to me.

I do give all my time to DS so maybe that’s where I’m going wrong as well - I’ll do all the house hold chores when he’s asleep so I can focus my attention on him but maybe I should just get it done when he’s awake and let him play on his own.

It sounds like he's a confident and independent little guy. I'm sure he adores you.

Oh OP , you have my sympathy. But this is just a phase and doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you- quite the opposite.

My now teenage DS used to be a nightmare with me and an angel with my ex. Wasn’t helped by my ex
using it to claim he was the better parent.

but as pps have said, it’s because he feels safe with you. You are his constant, and it’s great he feels confident to explore.

take it as a compliment. But I get how annoying it is when your smug MIL takes it as a sign she’s amazing!

my DS and I are amazingly close and I think the difficult times have made us closer. I think he’ll be even closer to me
as an adult.

It's really good you can recognise and voice your feelings.Those feelings sound sore! 💗 Would you really be happier if he was clingy and tearful and unable to engage with the outside world though ? What of your own needs would that meet? Those are the things that are interesting here, as those are the things that are making you interpret your boy's strengths as preferences against you. We all have those fleeting feelings though! If yours are lingering, make some changes and see if your feelings change.
Change it up a little at home and see what happens. I think getting on with your chores is a great idea. Being seen doing different things is stimulating and interesting. Don't think of yourself as doing right or wrong. Your boy is young and this and all the feelings that come with it are new, just inspect your thinking by talking to others as you are now.

It will be because he’s securely attached and he’s probably just quite sociable and gets excited to see other people (my two year old couldn’t give a hoot about me when other people are around!).
I wouldn’t write your relationship off with you one year old though, he’s tiny yet! Plenty of fun and phases ahead.
However your mil clearly isn’t helpful so I’d reduce your contact there.

He sounds like a confident child which will help him massively once he's in school.
I think he sees others around him as a novelty so gets excited but as you are his constant he knows you will always be there so to him that's just normal.
Maybe have one game or task that's just yours. Finger painting perhaps. You sound like you are doing an amazing job and I can see how hurt you feel when even a kiss from him would make it feel worthwhile.
It will come, I'm sure of it. Just keep being his constant. X

DS did this to DH who was a SAHD. It was difficult at the time as it felt so ungrateful but as others have said it was definitely just that he felt so secure with him that he took him for granted.

DS is 11 now and their relationship is so lovely.

Your MIL sounds like a cow!

My son massively prefers his dad to me, it’s a bit crushing to say the least but it’s a running joke now. I say “I love you” and he literally says “I just love Daddy”. He’s only 3 so I think will grow out of it. I get just enough crumbs to keep me going - occasionally if he falls over or something he will come to me for comfort, or he’ll want me to do his bedtime once in a blue moon, so I doggedly persist in showing him affection and trying to play with him. I love him so much but it can feel quite one-sided. Fortunately my eldest loves being with me.

I do think kids change hugely as they grow older, even month to month, so don’t give up hope!

I’m no expert and I understand that it is upsetting for you but please try not to make this about yourself. People are saying this is probably because it is a phase or because he is securely attached. You are the constant presence in his life. His behaviour will tell you want he needs.

My parents constantly overrode my feelings in childhood by telling me what I should be thinking or feeling. It was always about them and I was just expected to fit in. No real interest in why I was upset just told to stop crying. I was actually the child who used to cry for my Mum. I’ve spent a lifetime of putting my needs last and have somewhat failed at life. I’m having therapy now and things are heading in the right direction.

I’m not saying you are a terrible mother but please be mindful that not acknowledging what your child actually wants can be detrimental. 0 to 7 is the most important period in embedding behaviours and sense of self so it’s important to get it right as it can affect the rest of a person’s life. I would do a bit of reading, research or consult with a professional if I were you.

When ds20 was little he was all dad/nan/grandad. That is until he was unwell then all he wanted was me. It was as a pp pointed out I was his constant. Always there. It changed when I went back to work - then he missed me and I'd have the tears! That was worse to be honest. I much prefer Ed it when he went off happily with family.

Please don't limit his time with family members, the reason he doesn't cry when you leave is because your bond is so secure he knows you're coming back,that's a wonderful thing.

Yes to this! He is tiny, you are his world. Don’t let your insecurities get in the way of that truth.

You do sound very down, I think you need to be very careful not to create a self fulfilling prophecy. To go back to work before you had planned to, reduce contact with family or project this as rejection that will last to adulthood because he’s a boy are all attitudes that aren’t going to foster a mutually enjoyable relationship with your secure and independent little boy. As others have said you do need to get it in proportion and not judge it on the terms you would any other kind of relationship. You’re his whole universe, of course he takes you for granted. Just like we don’t all go around beaming that the sun has risen again every morning. If he is happy to play independently a bit then it does sound a good idea to take some time for yourself during naps and do housework while he’s awake. You’ll still have plenty of time for quality interactions, and you will feel more restored. Appreciation has to come from elsewhere with a baby - does your partner tell you you’re doing a good job and that he sees the love your boy has for you? It’s a shame your MIL is doing the opposite of that, it sounds very unhelpful to your current mindset.

Also remember one day your baby might have a baby and you will be absolutely delighted to see them and you'd be distraught if your time was suddenly limited.

This is mad that you’ve written your relationship off before he can even say his own name.

Ah OP i could have written this 17 years ago about my boy. He seemed to like everyone far more than me. I couldn’t even make him smile! He put his arms out for others and got excited to see pretty much everyone else when I was the one who did absolutely everything all day. In other words he totally took me for granted. In other words a completely secure attachment. He is 18 now and we are v close. We have chats over tea and toast and I am his go to when things go wrong. He drapes his big frame over me and says Love you Mam. Don’t worry- you’ll see x

I think he’s just super secure that you’ll still be there. Other people are exciting. My daughter is in reception and I’ve not been working so picked her up everyday. She cries saying she wants daddy/childminder/grandparents to pick her up. Went back to work a few weeks ago and only collecting 2x per week and she is quite happy that I’m there!!!

Just coming back to add - I'm the mother of a very confident little boy. He's five now but even as a one year old he would happily go and sit on the laps of other mums at soft play or run from my arms to his grandparents. I was always the less interesting option that he took for granted! I think that the behaviour of confident, sociable children can feel like rejection to us as mums, because our children are less clingy or needy. But it doesn't mean they love us less - they just have the self-confidence to not need us in that way.

My five year old is so affectionate now - cuddles me all the time, tells me he loves me, etc. He still loves chatting to strangers and making new friends, but he demonstrably loves me too. It definitely didn't look like it would turn out that way when he was a baby!

Op you may feel reassured by reading up on attachment theory https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/insecure-attachment-in-childhood/
what you are describing does sound a little bit like avoidant attachment potentially, or it may be that you are bringing your own attachment wounds to the situation and viewing things through that lens, or worse case that your son developing an avoidant attachment style which you would need to understand, so you can address.
it sounds like there’s something worth unpacking, most likely an attachment wound in you which is causing you distress and possibly affecting your perception or actual relationship.
I feel that most of us have attachment wounds and there’s nothing better are bringing them out then having a baby! There’s lots of advice on how to develop a secure attachment. Sounds like you work hard at this and are possibly bringing some anxiety to the table

Because you love him and would rather he was happy.

Give it time OP, and remember it’s just because he’s so secure with you that his little brain doesn’t think he needs to work on it. We’ve recently been through a stage of DS enormously preferring DH, fine (if largely indifferent) to me when it was just us, but when DH was around he only wanted him and would push me away. It’s just flicked over the past few weeks now he’s turned 18 months and he’s all over me like a rash. Beautifully he’s also learnt the word ‘cuddle’ just recently and comes toddling over shouting it and snuggles into my legs or puts his arms up to be held. Your little one will get there ❤️