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AIBU?

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Original poster

Difficult in laws

67 replies

Mama030511 · 20/12/2025 06:43

So long story short my in laws make little to no effort too see my daughter (she’s 14 months old) they only live a ten minute drive away. They have visited us at our house only a few times since she has been born. We usually go to them despite my partner telling them it would be much easier if they came to us as there house isn’t baby proved and they have no toys. They also refuse to turn the heating on in the winter and wear coats in doors. So in the winter months it’s safe to say we haven’t visited them. Today we had arranged that they come to our house, just for an hour or so as it would be nice to see them as we haven’t at all this December so far. Me and my partner both work till 4pm, we told them 4:30/ 5ish works best for us. Before I left for work this morning I cleaned the house and made and prepped some Christmassy nibbles for us to have (while running round after my daughter) we also crafted some handmade Christmas cards for them. At 3pm I get a text from my partner… they are no longer coming. They had said they didn’t want to come at 5pm as this is when they watch the chase and eat dinner and that they will be round at 6:30, my partner explained this would be no good as it’s when our child has a bath and goes to bed. But nope they weren’t willing to be flexible in the slightest and even suggest we just keep her up. He suggested they just eat tea later, but apparently this wasn’t something they were willing to do so they didn’t come, and we are apparently being the difficult ones.
They are expecting us to go to them on Christmas Day (we went to my family last year) and things like this just leave a sour taste in my mouth. Why should we have to spend Christmas Day with grandparents who don’t care or bother the rest of the year, when my own parents would literally move the moon for their grandchild and do so much for us. Anyways rant over.

OP posts:
Swash89 · 20/12/2025 07:03

Then why go on Xmas day? Just stay home. How can you go when you have to wear coats?

maxandru · 20/12/2025 07:07

Im really sorry. My in laws are also challenging in that they make zero effort (seen my twins 3 times in their lives - they’re 19 months old!).

but this is another level. My inclination from your description is that if they’re this inflexible then they clearly have some problems…

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 07:08

Go get the Radio Times, circle all the kids tv, and say “So not sorry… scarecrows weddings on at 3.. can’t make it now” 😉

Bearbookagainandagain · 20/12/2025 07:09

Can't they come on a weekend when you're not working rather than weekday? It seems that it doesn't really work for anyone anyway...

You do seem to see them quite often already, a gap of a few weeks isn't a big deal, maybe you need to adjust your expectations. The fact that your parents are different (and would appear overbearing to some) doesn't mean your ILs are difficult.

I wouldn't got to an unheated house with my kids in the winter so can't blame you for that. For Christmas Day if they expect a quick 30-60 min visit maybe, but otherwise it would be a hard no.

Aquarius1234 · 20/12/2025 07:10

Refusing to put heating on all Winter. hmmmm.
Im surprised they put the TV on so much and lights on ever, or use the hot water taps..
Wouldn't even be able to have a conversation with those types of people.

Aquarius1234 · 20/12/2025 07:15

maxandru · 20/12/2025 07:07

Im really sorry. My in laws are also challenging in that they make zero effort (seen my twins 3 times in their lives - they’re 19 months old!).

but this is another level. My inclination from your description is that if they’re this inflexible then they clearly have some problems…

To be fair your post makes more sense in the definition of hardly seeing grandchildren period.

Octavia64 · 20/12/2025 07:15

Oh my in-laws refused to put the heating on all winter.

it’s surprisingly common.

in their case they had an Aga, an open fire and separate central heating.

the Aga ran all the time but if anyone has any experience of them they aren’t really powerful enough to heat a whole house. It got my in-laws up to about 15.

by gracious compensation they would light a fire in the lounge. In Christmas Day only.

i have strong memories of being huddled in bed at their house with a hot water bottle to keep warm and dreading going to the bathroom.

oh, and they shamed you if you used “too much” water for your shower. They did have a bath but using it was absolutely forbidden - O used it once not knowing and they “had a quiet word” (not quiet) with dh about it and I never dared again,

horrible horrible people

Coatsoff42 · 20/12/2025 07:21

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 07:08

Go get the Radio Times, circle all the kids tv, and say “So not sorry… scarecrows weddings on at 3.. can’t make it now” 😉

😂

Dontyoulooktired · 20/12/2025 07:23

Oh, fuck them.

I couldn’t imagine a world where watching the chase was more important than getting to spend time with my son and grandchild (and my DIL too!), what a pair of miserable, ungrateful tossers.

Leave them be in thier cold, miserable little world with thier crappy game shows.

Aquarius1234 · 20/12/2025 07:23

My parents are late 60s and my Dad who used to monitor heating temps, has changed in recent years and put it on too high now if anything !! Getting old feeling the cold.
Its like old peoples home now. Rather than just normal nice temperature.
But having a house 10c or 5c all Winter is bizarre unless you have zero money. Its painful just waiting for rooms to warm up sometimes.
Im single one income, no savings really and couldn't manage more than a couple of nights.

Winglessvulture · 20/12/2025 07:41

The fact they dont even put the heating on to the extreme of having to wear coats indoors would be enough for me to say there is no way I am doing Christmas day there. If they live locally enough, maybe offer to pop in for an hour after lunch, but I definitely wouldn't be spending the entire day in a cold house with people who aren't prepared to put in the effort with your family.

CinnamonBuns67 · 20/12/2025 08:00

I'd not go. I'd offer to host them at ours if DH really wanted to but if they said no then they'd simply miss out all together

ThatJadeLion · 20/12/2025 08:04

Well you can't take a baby to a house that's really cold. Just be honest.

Katrinawaves · 20/12/2025 08:04

Age and financial status are both important missing bits of information here I think.

I have older relatives who eat early because they struggle with digestion if they eat too close to bed. So they wouldn’t consider eating at 7.30/8pm ish even though that’s my normal time to eat dinner and eat their main meal around 5pm.

Not wanting to drive over regularly and not putting the heat on in winter could be due to financial constraints. As could the meal times if for example they can’t afford to eat lunch they could be starving by 5pm

You have also been pretty inflexible to be fair. I’ve had 3 kids who all ordinarily had their baths and beds at the same time as yours but as a one-off on a Saturday to see their grandparents I wouldn’t have been in the slightest bit bothered about pushing bath time back to 7.30 or even bathing them before the grandparents arrived and popping them into bed half an hour after they got to me.

lifeisgoodrightnow · 20/12/2025 08:06

Dontyoulooktired · 20/12/2025 07:23

Oh, fuck them.

I couldn’t imagine a world where watching the chase was more important than getting to spend time with my son and grandchild (and my DIL too!), what a pair of miserable, ungrateful tossers.

Leave them be in thier cold, miserable little world with thier crappy game shows.

Absolutely love this. Well said x

HipHopDontYouStop · 20/12/2025 08:07

Katrinawaves · 20/12/2025 08:04

Age and financial status are both important missing bits of information here I think.

I have older relatives who eat early because they struggle with digestion if they eat too close to bed. So they wouldn’t consider eating at 7.30/8pm ish even though that’s my normal time to eat dinner and eat their main meal around 5pm.

Not wanting to drive over regularly and not putting the heat on in winter could be due to financial constraints. As could the meal times if for example they can’t afford to eat lunch they could be starving by 5pm

You have also been pretty inflexible to be fair. I’ve had 3 kids who all ordinarily had their baths and beds at the same time as yours but as a one-off on a Saturday to see their grandparents I wouldn’t have been in the slightest bit bothered about pushing bath time back to 7.30 or even bathing them before the grandparents arrived and popping them into bed half an hour after they got to me.

I think the chopping and changing is unreasonable even if all in this post were true.

Op and her h work, are really busy and have made time for pil who seem to not communicate from the beginning that they are not coming at the agreed time.

bigboykitty · 20/12/2025 08:08

'Let's just leave it then. Stay home and we'll spend Christmas Day at home in the warm. We can meet up in Spring if you can be bothered '

Alpinette · 20/12/2025 08:10

Preferring the Chase to Granfchildren is obviously poor behaviour. But some parent’s inflexibility around bedtime is also tiresome. Your child isn’t going to turn into a drug addict cause they go to bed 30 mins later than usual.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/12/2025 08:11

Katrinawaves · 20/12/2025 08:04

Age and financial status are both important missing bits of information here I think.

I have older relatives who eat early because they struggle with digestion if they eat too close to bed. So they wouldn’t consider eating at 7.30/8pm ish even though that’s my normal time to eat dinner and eat their main meal around 5pm.

Not wanting to drive over regularly and not putting the heat on in winter could be due to financial constraints. As could the meal times if for example they can’t afford to eat lunch they could be starving by 5pm

You have also been pretty inflexible to be fair. I’ve had 3 kids who all ordinarily had their baths and beds at the same time as yours but as a one-off on a Saturday to see their grandparents I wouldn’t have been in the slightest bit bothered about pushing bath time back to 7.30 or even bathing them before the grandparents arrived and popping them into bed half an hour after they got to me.

A child's bedtime routine is more important than the flipping 'Chase'. They could watch it on catch-up. They sound like inflexible and entitled twats tbf. No way would I go to their house on Christmas Day with a toddler if the house is freezing.

lifeisgoodrightnow · 20/12/2025 08:12

Katrinawaves · 20/12/2025 08:04

Age and financial status are both important missing bits of information here I think.

I have older relatives who eat early because they struggle with digestion if they eat too close to bed. So they wouldn’t consider eating at 7.30/8pm ish even though that’s my normal time to eat dinner and eat their main meal around 5pm.

Not wanting to drive over regularly and not putting the heat on in winter could be due to financial constraints. As could the meal times if for example they can’t afford to eat lunch they could be starving by 5pm

You have also been pretty inflexible to be fair. I’ve had 3 kids who all ordinarily had their baths and beds at the same time as yours but as a one-off on a Saturday to see their grandparents I wouldn’t have been in the slightest bit bothered about pushing bath time back to 7.30 or even bathing them before the grandparents arrived and popping them into bed half an hour after they got to me.

Hmm. Not sure I’d have bothered when my kids were little and your routine is all that keeps you sane to accommodate someone watching ‘The chase’.

they’re stuck in a rut of their own making. Let them crack on and make a mental note not to be this person yourself when you’re their age.

me and my wonderful husband are selling up, retiring and going on an adventure.

screw people like this they deserve being alone.

Marmalady75 · 20/12/2025 08:17

What time is The Chase on on Christmas Day? Make sure to pop round then for a visit 🤣. Or arrive half an hour before and then you can leave before Bradley even announces the contestants names.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 20/12/2025 08:20

Pop in for an hour on Christmas Day, so you don’t have to take your coats off.

I’m amazed how we tend to change as we age. I found in laws inflexible evening routine hard to manage- no take away or evening meal out because they can’t eat too late. Now DH agrees and I’m going the same way 🤣 When you eat off schedule, everything stops working. Heartburn. Ca’t sleep. Not hungry at breakfast. Constipation. Aging is great!

Also, are they anxious? People can get very set in comforting routines given the opportunity. And anxiety can look like stubbornness and bad temper.

I think rather than writing each other off, it’s better to find a compromise. It gets the issue out into the room for an airing. When everyone acknowledges the various sticking points, they get easier to deal with.

You feel the vale of routine for your DD. They feel the value of a routine as well.

Alpinette · 20/12/2025 08:20

I don’t even know what the chase is and am not worrying I’m missing groundbreaking tv.

saraclara · 20/12/2025 08:20

Katrinawaves · 20/12/2025 08:04

Age and financial status are both important missing bits of information here I think.

I have older relatives who eat early because they struggle with digestion if they eat too close to bed. So they wouldn’t consider eating at 7.30/8pm ish even though that’s my normal time to eat dinner and eat their main meal around 5pm.

Not wanting to drive over regularly and not putting the heat on in winter could be due to financial constraints. As could the meal times if for example they can’t afford to eat lunch they could be starving by 5pm

You have also been pretty inflexible to be fair. I’ve had 3 kids who all ordinarily had their baths and beds at the same time as yours but as a one-off on a Saturday to see their grandparents I wouldn’t have been in the slightest bit bothered about pushing bath time back to 7.30 or even bathing them before the grandparents arrived and popping them into bed half an hour after they got to me.

Not wanting to drive over regularly and not putting the heat on in winter could be due to financial constraints. As could the meal times if for example they can’t afford to eat lunch they could be starving by 5pm

They live ten minutes away. And if they were so destitute that they couldn't afford to make a sandwich for lunch, I'm pretty certain that OP would have mentioned that.

Lazygardener · 20/12/2025 08:22

A daft programme (which could be recorded) is more important than seeing you. Almost anything would be more important to me than seeing them.