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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Difficult in laws

67 replies

Mama030511 · 20/12/2025 06:43

So long story short my in laws make little to no effort too see my daughter (she’s 14 months old) they only live a ten minute drive away. They have visited us at our house only a few times since she has been born. We usually go to them despite my partner telling them it would be much easier if they came to us as there house isn’t baby proved and they have no toys. They also refuse to turn the heating on in the winter and wear coats in doors. So in the winter months it’s safe to say we haven’t visited them. Today we had arranged that they come to our house, just for an hour or so as it would be nice to see them as we haven’t at all this December so far. Me and my partner both work till 4pm, we told them 4:30/ 5ish works best for us. Before I left for work this morning I cleaned the house and made and prepped some Christmassy nibbles for us to have (while running round after my daughter) we also crafted some handmade Christmas cards for them. At 3pm I get a text from my partner… they are no longer coming. They had said they didn’t want to come at 5pm as this is when they watch the chase and eat dinner and that they will be round at 6:30, my partner explained this would be no good as it’s when our child has a bath and goes to bed. But nope they weren’t willing to be flexible in the slightest and even suggest we just keep her up. He suggested they just eat tea later, but apparently this wasn’t something they were willing to do so they didn’t come, and we are apparently being the difficult ones.
They are expecting us to go to them on Christmas Day (we went to my family last year) and things like this just leave a sour taste in my mouth. Why should we have to spend Christmas Day with grandparents who don’t care or bother the rest of the year, when my own parents would literally move the moon for their grandchild and do so much for us. Anyways rant over.

OP posts:
Aquarius1234 · 20/12/2025 08:28

Most of the time, not putting heating up or on at all is due to tightness.

I would offer to pay for their heating when you very occasionally visit. Can't be much. Rather than bringing fancy chocolates and wine.

Untailored · 20/12/2025 08:33

I would feel the same as you but there’s no point in getting angry because it won’t change anything. They’ll never be the people you want them to be.

Just accept their limitations, don’t give them any headspace, spend time with your lovely parents instead and support your partner in what must be his disappointment at having shit parents.

Aquarius1234 · 20/12/2025 08:35

Octavia64 · 20/12/2025 07:15

Oh my in-laws refused to put the heating on all winter.

it’s surprisingly common.

in their case they had an Aga, an open fire and separate central heating.

the Aga ran all the time but if anyone has any experience of them they aren’t really powerful enough to heat a whole house. It got my in-laws up to about 15.

by gracious compensation they would light a fire in the lounge. In Christmas Day only.

i have strong memories of being huddled in bed at their house with a hot water bottle to keep warm and dreading going to the bathroom.

oh, and they shamed you if you used “too much” water for your shower. They did have a bath but using it was absolutely forbidden - O used it once not knowing and they “had a quiet word” (not quiet) with dh about it and I never dared again,

horrible horrible people

Hmmmm. Yeh I hope they were happy with all their savings in the bank, for leading such a life...

Ive got a shower leak atm so im only using it a few times a week. Sooo annoying. Lol trying to work out how I can wash my hair.

firstofallimadelight · 20/12/2025 08:36

My parents were similar. They had their set routines and preferred us to go to them (20 min drive and they didn’t drive) we would usually see them in a weekend afternoon as it was easier. We just visited once a month, they didn’t put the heating on (unless drying clothes) but they did put the fire on.
it’s hard to understand but what you have to remember is it’s not personal to you it’s just how they are.

LilyBunch25 · 20/12/2025 08:38

I wouldn't be going to anyone Christmas day who prioritised a recordable tv programme over their grandchild.

IsItSnowing · 20/12/2025 08:43

I wouldn't go to theirs at all.
Relationships work both ways. If they don't make any effort at all then it's up to you to do all the running.
They sound like very self absorbed people. Who puts watching the chase over seeing their grandkids?
But I assume this is a just an excuse anyway. It's a way of exerting control over people. Being awkward and expecting them to jump through hoops.

Lurkingandlearning · 20/12/2025 08:44

You had offered food so their dinner wasn’t an issue. I assume you would have let them have the TV on so that essential viewing wasn’t an issue. They are just being deliberately uncooperative. It must feel disappointing that they don’t want to spend time with your child but it really is their loss. With people like that you can’t even really say your child will be missing out on grandparents because kids don’t need disinterested relatives.

Be as disinterested and as uncooperative and stay home in the warm. Merry Christmas 🥳

SandyY2K · 20/12/2025 08:44

I mean, I like the Chase as much as the next person, but I can't imagine that grandparents choosing the Chase over seeing their grandchild.

Do they have other grandchildren?
It sounds like they're just not that bothered about seeing their DGC.

Musicaltheatremum · 20/12/2025 09:03

Alpinette · 20/12/2025 08:20

I don’t even know what the chase is and am not worrying I’m missing groundbreaking tv.

It's a quiz programme. Quite fun with Bradley Walsh hosting. Good for general knowledge. My dad loves to watch it after he has his evening meal at 4pm. He is 93 though and has been a wonderful father so I don't mind.

Original poster
Mama030511 · 20/12/2025 10:22

Swash89 · 20/12/2025 07:03

Then why go on Xmas day? Just stay home. How can you go when you have to wear coats?

They will be putting the heating on Christmas Day

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 20/12/2025 10:30

I would not go and certainly would not take a small child to a cold house

Either stay at home or go to your parents and if the in laws complain be honest with them

they care more about a tv programmed than their grandchild and are prepared for the child to be cold and bored all day

maxandru · 20/12/2025 10:32

I vote go for half an hour mid morning . Will your 14mo nap in the car? If so you could do first nap in car then go for half an hour after with the excuse of needing to get back for next nap?

notmoredirtywashing · 20/12/2025 12:02

Marmalady75 · 20/12/2025 08:17

What time is The Chase on on Christmas Day? Make sure to pop round then for a visit 🤣. Or arrive half an hour before and then you can leave before Bradley even announces the contestants names.

I used to do this to my DM. She was obsessed with coronation street so I would phone her just as it was starting ( landline then) and I could hear the irritation in her voice!
in fairness, she eventually laughed at the wind up and absurdity of it all so I stopped.

my sister however didn’t …………!
DM passed away years ago.

mondaytosunday · 20/12/2025 12:41

I don’t really see the connection between them not visiting often and you going over for Christmas. Thenm hosting you is not a reward for how attentive they’ve been! . But I’d be less inclined to go if the heatings not on! Have you been there before for Christmas? What does your partner say?

LightDrizzle · 20/12/2025 12:45

My friend rang her mum to tell her she was engaged and was asked to ring bank after Coronation Street 😂

BeaLola · 20/12/2025 12:49

I've not read full thread but if the heating is not on I would either stay home for Christmas or if you like to join your parents go there and enjoy

DelphiniumBlue · 20/12/2025 13:00

If they won't turn on the heating, what's the chances of the Christmas lunch being pretty miserly too?
I think I'd tell them it's too hard what with DD being into everything and needing naps etc but that they can come to you. At least you know you'll get a decent Christmas dinner then in a warm child-friendly house. If they say no, so be it. They can have Christmas by themselves.

hyggetyggedotorg · 20/12/2025 13:01

If you do go on Christmas Day, make sure you arrive & leave at times to suit yourselves & your DD. Normally, I’d say it was rude to do that but not in your situation!

The Chase isn’t even that good!

LiteraryBambi · 20/12/2025 13:17

Just offer to give them dinner, or order something. To be honest, aillI would assume an evening visit would include dinner anyway.

Original poster
Mama030511 · 20/12/2025 20:17

Katrinawaves · 20/12/2025 08:04

Age and financial status are both important missing bits of information here I think.

I have older relatives who eat early because they struggle with digestion if they eat too close to bed. So they wouldn’t consider eating at 7.30/8pm ish even though that’s my normal time to eat dinner and eat their main meal around 5pm.

Not wanting to drive over regularly and not putting the heat on in winter could be due to financial constraints. As could the meal times if for example they can’t afford to eat lunch they could be starving by 5pm

You have also been pretty inflexible to be fair. I’ve had 3 kids who all ordinarily had their baths and beds at the same time as yours but as a one-off on a Saturday to see their grandparents I wouldn’t have been in the slightest bit bothered about pushing bath time back to 7.30 or even bathing them before the grandparents arrived and popping them into bed half an hour after they got to me.

They are retried in good health in the their 60’s with no financial constraints whatsoever.

My lack of flexibility in regards to time is because of my daughter’s routine and the fact we have worked all day. They on other hand have no other obligations or responsibilities.

OP posts:
Blablibladirladada · 21/12/2025 17:58

Honestly I suspect that in-laws are most always the parents of the hubby and that you naturally get on with your mom so of course, she gets you and oh isn’t it nice to feel like that when your hormones are all over the place and you “just” birthed a baby… but just go to your in-laws…for not long. Job done. Next year your turn!

Fupoffyagrasshole · 21/12/2025 18:02

na I wouldn’t go there fuck that

why is Christmas such a chore and like some
duty to visit certain people

jus do what you want / have your own Christmas at home

Rosealea · 21/12/2025 18:04

Maybe there was something else that they don't want to admit to like being unsure of driving in the dark which is common when people get a little bit older.

You all need to improve your communication skills and stop being so passive aggressive.

August1980 · 21/12/2025 18:09

maje alternative arrangements for Christmas. I doubt they will be fussed if they see you/grandchild. Just go to your parents or stay home.

just a side note: I still to my 11 month old schedule. If people want to see her/us and I offer a time and they counter with something rude. I usually say sure. I stick with her routine and when they turn just turn it into an adult catch up. If they ask to see her I just casually say oh she is asleep hence I suggested xx

Lunde · 21/12/2025 18:19

Alpinette · 20/12/2025 08:10

Preferring the Chase to Granfchildren is obviously poor behaviour. But some parent’s inflexibility around bedtime is also tiresome. Your child isn’t going to turn into a drug addict cause they go to bed 30 mins later than usual.

Not all children are flexible about bedtimes. I have had one of each dd1 - no problem at all to delay an hour whereas dd2 would on the few occasions we attempted it just fall asleep - including once memorably face first into her dinner! ... it's no fun trying to removed mashed potato from the hair of a very grumpy/sleepy toddler