Would you consider this friend to just not really be that arsed about the friendship?

[Jinglebellsbatmansmellsrobinflewaway]

Group of four of us,
everything very hectic but I attempted to arrange an xmas meet up one day (asked this on Wednesday) during the day-an hour or two with the kids.
Everyone seemed keen, apart from one friend who said they’d try but unlikely to be able to squeeze in
Wouldn’t you find time if you cared enough?
They then casually announced they were doing an xmas party and anyone welcome (obviously wouldn’t have asked us if this hadn’t come up as late notice for a party)

Everyone seemed keen, apart from one friend who said they’d try but unlikely to be able to squeeze in
Wouldn’t you find time if you cared enough?

I think you’re taking this too personally. Sometimes I’m too busy to do things I am invited to do with friends, that I would very much like to do, because of other obligations (right now, an elderly mother in rapid cognitive decline, whose care is taking up much of my time). That doesn’t mean I don’t care about those friends.

Also, maybe she’s has multiple other groups of friends who got their requests for pre-Christmas meet ups in earlier. Some people move in more circles than others.

It just feels like we make more effort

If you are keeping scores, you are probably not really that bothered about friendship yourself.

I dunno, my social battery and activity battery are maxed out this time of year with work Christmas parties, family etc, and sometimes I think one more social event will be the thing that turns me into a serial killer. I definitely think it's the wrong time of year to be judging someone's effort level because everyone is spread quite thin (especially as they've invited you to their party!)

Not keeping score at all, feel a little hurt

This is a bad time of year to be getting several people together in a group. I've not been able to prioritise a meet up and I know one of them is upset about it, but between family, work,last min presents, buying food and running the kids everywhere, it's just not possible.

I wouldn't take this personally, and they may well have had the party planned a little while ago and it might involve a different set of people.

I wouldn't read much into this at this time of year-meet with the ones that can meet, and then have a bigger group meet up in the New Year.

But they wouldn’t have if I hadn’t reached out to try to organise something

And? Not all friendships are entirely equal. Some friendships involve more work on the part of one part than another - and the side putting more effort in may change over time according to other things people have going on in their lives. Fretting over whether someone else is putting equal effort into a friendship is a fool’s errand - it’s utterly futile and which just make you feel bad about yourself as this post quite clearly demonstrates.

If you enjoy spending time with her when you get to see her, and you get something out of the friendship, then continue inviting her to these meetups. If a particular meet up isn’t a priority for her, then the other 3 of you can meet up without her. What’s the big deal?

So? That shows that they do actually want to see you, but at a pre-arranged event that's not adding something new to their social calendar, and on their home turf where I know a lot of people feel more comfortable and happy socialising than out and about.

Do you only accept invitations to events when you know you're the first person invited?

‘It just feels like we make more effort’ - this is keeping score…

But think about what you’re saying — are you actually saying you’d prefer your friend felt obligated to cram in a last-minute meeting she doesn’t have the time or inclination for, just because it’s Christmas? Three people can still make it, so it’s not that it’s not happening, so I’m not sure what the issue is?

It’s possible that this friendship is more important to you than it is to her - maybe you don’t have many other groups of friends to meet up with while she moves in more social circles and has more friends to split her time between. But deciding she’s not a good friend on that basis is cutting off your nose to spite your face - why lose a perfectly good friend just because she has other people she likes spending time with? This is how introverted people can end up reinforcing their own loneliness.

She’s probably had a few people asking to catch up and that’s why she has arranged the party last minute

Yabu to expect people rearrange their life for you at anytime of year never mind the week before christmas when everyone’s already ran off their feet

Christmas is a really busy time for a lot of people. It really grates on me when people say someone would find time if they cared. Where? How? What can we do to magically add more hours to the clock? I've had periods in my life when I haven't had time for friends, as much as I would've loved to see them I just couldn't. I was working long hours, I had children to look after, a house to maintain, I had family members who needed my help because of ill health or crisis. If a friend was in a crisis and needed me, I'd let something slip to support them. That would be at my detriment because once things started slipping it became harder to get on top of things and stress builds up, but I'd do it if I was needed. I wouldn't do it for a social group meet up. Not because I don't care, but because I need to prioritise and I need to look after my family first and foremost, keep my job and maintain my mental health.

YABTU (totally U) to think not being able to ‘squeeze in’ a meet up bring discussed in the week before Christmas is not being bothered.

And maybe they have just arranged the party, and it being hectic are now inviting people.

But hey, if you don’t want to squeeze her party in , don’t.

Take it all personally and cut off your nose to spite your face.

Instead of one meet-up, you’ve got two!
Result! Go enjoy yourself.

You are keeping score or you wouldnt have started this, if friends say they cant make i accept they are busy, it seems a bit narcissistic to think it is about you

You are judging another person because you have decided your needs are more important than theirs

At this time of year I couldn't "squeeze in" anyone for a social meet up no matter how much i valued them. To do that would mean cancelling someone else, cancelling something for one of my children, letting down somebody about something I'd agreed to do, or not going to work. I simply don't have spare hours left.

Not everyone has the diary flexibility you seem to be expecting - especially for a non-emergency

It’s a busy time of year, they may have plans for every day and visiting family makes it hard to fit in anyone else. It can be draining for us who get over stimulated easily and we need time at home to relax and de-stress. I think you’re taking it too personally that it means she doesn’t like you or something, but I’m guessing she’s tired and stressed and wants a break from socialising rather than considering if cancelling will upset a group of women. If she’s otherwise fine with you all then let this drop, ask her if she’s okay to show your concern and care for the friendship then move on.

There's three of us, two of us with adult DC, the other's youngest is almost 16. To make sure we got the chance to enjoy a festive meet up next week we arranged it in August.

I think that this is probably two-sided in particular because of the timing.

I have young children, elderly parents, some health challenges of my own. And a possibly old fashioned view that once you make plans you don’t cancel them for a better offer.

Id be quite offended that a friend trying to organise a get together the week before Christmas for Christmas week when I’ve already got plans would think that the existence of those plans was a slight on her.

And I actually think her invitation to a party which she’s already organised is thoughtful. She clearly wants to see you as this will probably add a fair bit of work for her as she’ll need to change numbers for food and drink etc. Plus if the other people invited are people you don’t know it’ll put more work on her in the evening to make things flow.

I worry at this time of year people think this about me. I was asked by a friend to squeeze in ‘an hour for a glass of fizz over Christmas’. I don’t have one day free, apart from the afternoon on the 30th, until after new year.

It’s genuinely not that I don’t love and value my friend, I genuinely just don’t have anytime that I’m not supposed to be somewhere.

I'll be honest, OP.

I broke up from work yesterday. In between all the work related stuff I've had to do and family stuff I have to do, I haven't made a single plan to socialise with friends over Christmas.

Not because I don't care but because I just have nothing left.

I have to manage my social energy very carefully at this time of year to prevent me burning out. Be a kind friend and lovingly accept her boundaries instead of keeping score. A kind friend would be messaging back and saying 'of course! Hope you're ok and looking forward to seeing you if you find you do have the time and bandwidth. Love you x'

It’s literally the most difficult time of year to find any time. We try and meet up over December at all at that’s even difficult! To me Christmas Day is literally about getting the chance to actually sit down because I’m so exhausted. Give the girl a break!!