To stay at home when my DH goes to FIL’s?

[ChristmasDrama111]

I don’t get on with my FIL. He’s controlling, his way or no way, barely speaks to me, turns his nose up at our stuff and generally sucks the joy out of a room. Examples include: when my kids were babies he bought a totally inappropriate car seat (toddler seat for a 6-month-old). When we politely said it wasn’t safe, he lost the plot and accused us of dictating to him.

MIL sadly died a few years ago and since then FIL refuses to do Christmas anywhere unless it’s at our house. Last year my mum invited him to hers for Christmas dinner, he refused but wanted to come to ours for breakfast instead. I said no because we wanted a few hours just us and the kids. Apparently this made me the bad guy.

Fast forward to this year and DH says FIL will have to come to ours for breakfast. I’ve said no again. I’m fed up bending over backwards for a man who barely says hello to me. I’m a grown adult and I don’t think it’s outrageous to decide who’s in my house on Christmas morning. One year we had his new girlfriend (of one week) round and we never saw her again. This is the type of crap we have to deal with.

FIL has fallen out with DH’s brother, has again refused my mum’s invite so DH is now planning to take the kids to FIL’s house for a couple of hours on Christmas morning to keep the peace.

I’m sad because that was our time. Jammies, bucks fizz, kids playing with presents etc. Instead, I’m wondering AIBU to stay at home while DH and kids go to FIL’s? I need to make dessert anyway and could shower, get ready and enjoy a glass of bubbles in peace. Alternative is sitting in awkward silence in a house that smells strongly of wet dog.

Do I:
A) stay home and protect my sanity
B) suck it up for two hours
C) fake a sudden festive illness

Be gentle. Or not. I’m ready. 🎄

Tell your dh HE can go to see Fil Xmas morning and the children will
be playing with this stocking contents at home!

YANBU to stay at home, it sounds like an awful morning if you go. DH can take the kids to fulfil his obligation

Do you always go to your mums? If you always see your family, then I think its fair for your husband to also see his Dad. If you'd rather your husband took the kids while you got on with sorting dessert I guess that works for everyone.

You are being unreasonable to let your DH take the children round there. Tell him no.

If your fil wants to see the children at Christmas he has his invite - to your mother's.

I'd be seriously unimpressed with your DH going round there and disrupting the family Christmas morning to appease a grown man who had options, but there is no way in hell he should be taking the children away from you on Christmas morning. Just no

YANBU staying home. I'd also be keeping my kids at their home to enjoy their new toys. Unless they want to go?!

Would you be happy if your DC stayed at home enjoying their new toys with your DH whilst you went to your Mum

I can't believe you are not allowing a GP to visit on Christmas morning and then complaining when DH wants to see his dad with the children for am hour.

Controlling or what?

A) sounds good to me! If your kids are like mine, the day is very looong so a couple of hours to myself to get ready and finish food prep sounds appealing!

Your examples don’t actually sound that bad but appreciate it is probably worse than it comes across for you not to want him in your house.

I think you both sound a little controlling. I think it’s clear dh woukd like to see his dad at Christmas and as you always goes to her mum’s he has suggested a compromise of Fil coming to yours in the morning which you don’t like so he’s now suggested he take them to him. You suggest that he’s keeping the peace, but I wonder if he’d keeping the peace for both of you.

Atgh this is why Christmas can be a nightmare dealing with family politics. I always think there's so much pressure and focus on the idea of family coming together at Christmas and not everyone likes or gets along with family and you find yourself 'people pleasing' rather than enjoying the day. Not sure how old your kids are but you should let them decide if they want to go to FIL with DH. It's your house, your rules and when you have kids you get 18 guaranteed Christmases with them before they fly the nest - I would want to soak that up. Since DS was born, Christmas morning is about watching him open his stocking, play with toys, a relaxed day.
When he was 2 yo we went to MIL for Christmas (we are abroad so flew over for 1 wk) and it was awful - she doesn't cook at all so expected us to cook every meal, inc Christmas dinner. There was no downtime, no babysitting, no helping. She didn't like any toys being out unless they were ones she had bought. She also drinks alot and would be drunk every night crying & slagging off her exh. Saw FIL (ex h) but he doesn't speak to MIL so when he came to pick us up he insisted he do so from half a mile down the road. MIL had many friends and family stopping by like a revolving door and expected us to wake DS from every nap so he could meet them. House was freezing, noone slept, but MIL liked to get up at 4am every morning and bang every door in the house. Not forgetting to mention DS has ASD but MIL does not accept it and thinks he's just poorly parented. Anyway. It was the last time we did Christmas at hers. Not seen her much since & haven't visited for 3 years.

Okay @ChristmasDrama111 so I get why you wouldn’t want someone at your home that you don’t get along with…

but why the hell would you want him at your mums when he “sucks all the joy out of a room”

your being all “my way or the highway” so really - you ain’t doing so much better than your joy sucking dementor of a FIL

anyway - compromise. Up early with the kiddies presents breakfast Buck’s Fizz, get the kids ready and then ship DH off to FIL with the kids for however long it takes you to make dessert and get yourself ready - jobs a good un and no need to whip out an Expecto Patronum charm

I’m a grown adult and I don’t think it’s outrageous to decide who’s in my house on Christmas morning

Your husband is also a grown adult who should be able to see his father for a couple of hours on Christmas Day without his wife moaning and making him feel guilty.

FIL sounds like a misery so I can understand you not wanting to be around him, but it’s also understandable that he wouldn’t want to tag along to another family’s Christmas. You will have a lovely day seeing your whole family. He won’t, so just accept what your DH wants to do and support him.

I think it's pretty unkind to not let a widowed Grandparent come round for Christmas Breakfast to visit his Grandchildren. This year and previous years.

When does he get to spend Christmas with his grandchildren? Seems like you've been at your DMs 2 years running at least. When's his turn? (Inviting him to come along to your Mum's is obviously a token gesture that you know won't suit him, rather than his fair turn).

I think you're being quite unkind, and expecting to have the Christmas you want, even though it leaves a widowed man out and takes away the opportunity for your DC & DH to see his side of the family.

I think this also depends on how old the kids are ? Are we talking prime santa years or heading towards teenagers ? If its the latter than it’s perfectly reasonable for them to do a quick visit but if it’s little ones then its a hard no !

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to have Christmas morning at home with your kids.
But you are unreasonable not to accommodate your FIL at all on Xmas day of that's what your husband wants.

You seem to be dictating quite a lot about how the day should be spent, and making it all about you.
For instance that Xmas day is spent with your family (again) even when you knew very well that it meant your FIL would not come.

But his reasons not to want to go to your mum are as valid as your reasons not to want him to come to yours for breakfast.
So at some point you have to suck it up and consider what everyone else in the family want or need on that day.

Stay home.

he gets to see the kids

you don’t have to see him.

win win

Your DH clearly wants to see his dad and for his dad to see his grandkids at Christmas. I think you are being really selfish. But then I’d suck it up and have him for breakfast.

Why is your DH’s time with his dad not valued here. The examples you’ve given aren’t reasons to avoid him. So either there’s more going on or you’ve got a personality clash. If the latter you need to be a grown up and get in with it.

And be the controlling person that OP hates? What idiotic advice.

I think you're being very unreasonable. Your husband wants to see his widowed dad and to refuse him a few hours in the morning is petty. You get to spend the remaining day with your family.
He might be unpleasant but that's his dad. I'm glad he's made the decision to see him, you sound slightly controlling.

I wouldn’t go or make the children go either. If he is so unpleasant why would they want to? I get your DH is conflicted but if he agrees with you as to what sort of man his Dad is why would he go rather than have a nice breakfast and leisurely morning at home? Tell him to visit FIL Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Better he goes there though rather than coming to you.

Even if your families are not comparable, I think if you are seeing your family on Xmas day and there is time for your DH to see his dad, you can't stand in the way of that, but you are within your rights not to want him in your home.
If it were me I would stay home and enjoy some me time. Depending on timings you should have some family time too!

My FIL was equally rude and obdurate. Shut himself out of his grandchildren’s lives, but since losing his wife is slowly starting to see the error of his ways. I’ve never absented myself from visits. I quietly and firmly assert myself with him and accept he’s not going to change overnight.

I can understand why FiL doesn't want to come to another family's Xmas, even though it is kind of your DM to invite him.

YANBU to not want FiL in your own home, considering his behaviour towards you. If I were you I'd enjoy having a little peace and quiet after breakfast while DH takes the kids to FiL's on Xmas morning.

I agree with what a pp said. Get up early do a few presents with the kids and DH. He takes the kids to see FIL, while you get ready and make dessert in peace!

You are being unfair and controlling sadly.

Thanks for the replies all, pretty mixed, which I expected. Just to clarify, I’ve never said I’m stopping my husband from seeing his dad, or the kids if they want to go. My AIBU is whether I’m BU for not also going, because yes, I do think it probably looks a bit off if I don’t show my face on Christmas Day even if I can’t stand the man.

Apologies for the drip-feeding but DH doesn’t actually have a great relationship with him anyway. He worked away for years and the same things that grate on me also annoy DH, he’s just very much a don’t rock the boat, everyone get along type.

And honestly, I think the whole poor widowed grandparent/taking turns narrative is a bit of emotional blackmail. We do host Christmas dinner at ours but because of work and family logistics it just happens that last year and this year fall on my mum’s side. No grand conspiracy.

For those asking why I’d even suggest him coming to my mum’s, I’m not wildly keen on that either but in a bigger group I wouldn’t have to stare at him all day, which feels like a Christmas miracle in itself.

I think from those that understood my AIBU then I’m probably not going to hell for having a few hours to myself whilst DH takes the kids.