My mother is driving me loopy

[redredredeyes]

I am pregnant, my brother has always been the golden child and when him and his wife had their first baby years ago they made it clear that certain things were no longer the done thing with babies- baby walkers, bouncers and that kind of thing. My parents respected that (well they honoured their wishes but were quite rude behind their backs)

Now I am pregnant and my mum particularly keeps mentioning these things as "you loved yours when you were a baby" and "they make life so much easier". I shut it down as "well I've herd that they aren't recommended anymore" and she just keeps on saying that I'm going to need so much support when baby comes and you take help as its given.

I just want calm and to manage my pregnancy as the best I can, but she keeps giving advice. I find it so frustrating as she respected my DB and DSIL wishes, but she seems to think that as mother of the babies mum she has extra weight.

I just want her to stop. I am happy she is excited, I just want her advice to be left to one side.

You’ve got a long way to go…. Learn to smile and ignore.

A bit annoying but definitely not a hill to die on - she's right that you will need support! Just keep saying what you're saying, nod and smile, etc. Congrats on your pregnancy!

Point out to her each and every time she goes on that she respected your brother etc and didn’t go on at him so why is she going on at you when the first time she was going on at people that didnt work for her?!

I don't want to ignore when she is just riding roughshod over my wishes though. It is upsetting me so much on a personal level that she is in this take over mindset, which she would never dare do with my DB and DSIL, it just makes me not want to see her full stop.

She never went on at my DB or SIL at all. She made comments behind their backs, but to them she obeyed every wish and instruction. Whereas now she is just steaming in saying "this is what you'll need when baby is here" and if I say no, she tells me I'm ridiculous.

She asked me about names the other day and I said we were keeping it private and she said "well don't you want my opinion?"....errrr no!!!

You need to put her on a strict information diet. And/or move far far away…

What's wrong with baby bouncers?

Mums seem to be far more involved in their dd’s pregnancies, I suppose quite naturally. You need to be firm with her. If you don’t want a bouncer or walker, tell her a straight no or she’ll turn up with them. When she wants input into names, tell her that’s your Dh and your business and nobody else’s. That would drive me mad. I’m imagining you live quite close to one another?

To be fair, my mum suggested a baby bouncer to give my reflux baby a safe place to be where she could watch me while I showered or washed up, and it was genius. They aren't so much "not advised" just use them in moderation.

I think there is a happy medium between following guidance and "what experience says works" and your mothers experiences aren't entirely invalid: you and your brother survived okay?

However, there are much deeper issues at play here, aren't there? My MIL and mum both occasionally annoy me with their advice but, you shrug it off. They've also both been brilliant at helping me out at tough moments and building my confidence as a parents. You are clearly feeling some double standard with your brother - but I bet your sister in law has grumped too!

Basically, keep it all in perspective. This probably won't feel like a big deal in 6 months time.

How does your mum treat your relationship with her compared to your brother's?

Calmly and confidently tell her you will by what you need when you need it and if she would like to support with that at the time there will be opportunities but for now I'm enjoying pregnancy and will figure everything else out as we go.

My mum can be over bearing so I didn't tell her about either pregnancy until 16 weeks and if I could have got away with longer I would have done! I was about 30 weeks pregnant with my first when she tried to buy a desk! When she said of they might not need it for a year to which I retorted or 5! No!

Babies need nappies, clothes and somewhere to sleep. Ignore most "what you need guides" half of it you won't need and the "don't bother buying" list will contain a bunch of things you couldn't live with out. Until baby arrives you don't know what will be essential for that baby!

My dad is on my side and he usually keeps her vaguely in line. I've told them anything they buy that I don't want or need is staying at theirs.
I'm quite firm with her, she was very involved when my niece was born and I have a very different relationship to her than my sister. In fact I'm closer to my mil than I am my mum. Giving her things she can do and buy helps. We have a wooden and second hand preference and at first my parents weren't sure but now they are sending photos every week of things they have found...before buying them!
My sister and niece practically lived at my mum's when she was on maternity leave. So in my "essentials" list from my mum basically included lots of things for having a new born at her house semi permanently asking for us to get a second base for the car seat. We got a spin seat so not relevant and there was never going to be a situation where the car seat and baby couldn't you know stay together! My daughter was nearly 3 the first time we had the need to put her car seat in their car and that was because we were on holiday together and it made sense to travel in one car.

Names - come up with an amusing name and just tell her that every time she asks. We had one that sounds like a marvel character

I think my SIL kept my mum at a bit of a distance compared to my mum. My mum seems to see it as its now her "turn", whereas I think actually my SIL kept my mum at a distance because she didn't like the constant ignoring instuctions!

They shouldnt be used for long periods. In fact it's early days, and I dont think I've really got an opinion either way. Its just the fact that she's been told by my SIL that they're wrong, she disagrees, and now she has a chance to do things "her way"

Well, no, she doesn’t because this is your baby, not hers and you make the decisions, not her. Set out your stall now so you don’t have a big fall out down the line.

Take longer to respond to messages. Don't volunteer information. Learn to smile and nod and do what you wanted anyway. If she suggo buying anything say ' that's kind but we don't want x/ we have that covered thanks'. If she continues like this I wouldn't be rushing to tell her then the baby is born. Enjoy some quiet time and establish clear boundaries eg ' no Mum, the baby isn't going to stay overnight with you at the moment, no Mum, we agreed no bouncers I need you to respect my wishes on this, thanks for coming around mum I could really do with some help with the washing up while I feed the baby and put her down for a nap' etc etc

You are going to need to be really firm with her and don't be scared of her taking offence. She doesn't respect your opinion in any way, even though it's your baby and not hers so don't worry about upsetting her as she doesn't care if she upsets you.

She has no automatic right to your baby and if she pisses you off too much, she may not get the chance to be an active and involved grandparent.

Well if she continually overrides your wishes in spite of you asking her not to then just put some distance between you. You may need support though so you might not want to alienate. Sounds like she just needs to calm down. When my daughter had her two babies I just remembered the advice is different now to 30 years ago and it is her baby not mine so didn’t give advice unless it was requested.

I think firmness may be needed here and a reminder that your wishes need to be respected as much as SILs. How often do you see her? Does she live near you?

I don't want support at the expense of her ignoring my wishes though. That isn't support. I suppose after hearing for 2 years her being rude about my SIL wishes I know whatever I say she will just ignore me. She thinks she has to agree with my SIL, but as her daughter I have to listen. Its causing me so much stress at the moment.

We didn't tell her I was pregant until 12 weeks and she took huge offence, when we said we didn't want to tell anyone until the scan she went off saying "she isn't just anyone" and when people talk about waiting they dont mean telling their mothers. If I didn't tell her when baby comes you wouldn't need Putin to start WW3.

The reason that you didn't tell her about your pregnancy until after your first scan is because you can't trust her. She needs to understand that the more she behaves in this ridiculous and entitled way, the worse your relationship with her will be and the fewer grandparent privileges she will have.

She needs to learn that her actions have consequences. If she pushes you too far and makes your pregnancy all about her, completely disregarding your wishes, she may end up being completely estranged from you and her new grandchild due to her own actions.

There was quite a long list of people I told before I told my mother! Having had losses I needed to be able to talk about but with people not emotionally invested in the outcome.

My mother also doesn't know my partner and I had a civil partnership... In 2023. We only wanted us and witnesses as we signed the paperwork one Tuesday morning. She would have made a big thing of it. Her need to be " mother of the bride" would trump my need not to be a bride.

You don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want, whether they are your mother, friend or postman!

Your Sil clearly has your mum's number and keeps her at a distance.

You can do the same.

I think this is true. My SIL is a lovely person, she isnt the sort to favour her family over us, and never has with me. I think she prefers using her mum for support because she knows her mum will step up as needed, whereas with my mum it comes with the cost of accepting her way.

My mum is looking at it as it is now her turn to be mother of the mum and get to be the first to find things out, and have things her way. She doesn't realise its because she is so opinionated and difficult that this hasnt happened previously.

My SIL will give instrunctions on how much to feed her baby and what she is allowed, my mum takes great pride in saying how ridiculous that is and that when she fed them XYZ baby delighted in it and tucked right in.

She doesn't get that all of these speeches dont make me think she is a child rearing expert, rather they now fill me with dread.

So your mother desperately wants to be important to you and to be valued. How about emphasising to her what she brings that you value, so that she is clear on that.
Evidently as SIL isn’t a blood relative she takes a back seat.. baby bouncers being very useful, she probably sees SIL as suffering from pfb ott syndrome and wants to save you from it.

My SIL is definitely not suffering from PFB syndrome, and in the main is pretty down to earth and quite sensible.

I don't think my mother being valued in the process comes from her throwing a tantrum when she is told she has another grandchild on the way because she wasn't told about it early enough.

Today she has phoned me to say that whilst she knows I was planning on going to hers for christmas this year I should know that it isn't and obligation and if I am to tired or dont feel up to it then I dont have to come because next year is the on that matters and that she really wants as grandma!!!