Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too much pressure and ready to break. AIBU?

35 replies

NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 16:40

My DH works overseas and in recent times, has spent quite a lot of time away.

My DS has various medical needs which I do all of the appointments for, and predominantly take care of his needs.

I had a hard time with my mental health recently, which DH was aware of, which has affected the intimacy between DH and I.

Around a month ago, DS became very unwell and quite soon after, my dad was hospitalised and was in a very serious condition. As you can imagine, this was extremely difficult for me.

DH returned form his recent work trip 2 weeks ago and to be honest, I’ve been absolutely exhausted since he came back. DH has been amazing. Taking care of things around the house, but yesterday, he told me he feels like he just cleans and tidies up after everyone and that he’s living with his mate, not his wife.

My dad is still very ill and I just don’t have the headspace to deal with this. DH is right, he does a lot around the house. I have really struggled to keep on top of housework due to work and parenting responsibilities, as well as my mental health, so I understand him feeling the way he does, but I am so drained, I feel like I have nothing more of me to give. I am just so exhausted.

This isn’t really a AIBU. I just need someone to talk to.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 16:41

We are in our early 30’s with two children who are 13 and 10.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 16:50

Anyone?

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/12/2025 16:54

You need to be blunt with him. Tell him that you're aware he's doing a lot at the moment but you thought that's what marriage was all about. One carries the load when things are tough for the other one, and vice versa. Everyone needs someone who can support them and who they can rely on when times are bad. And remind him that you're carrying EVERYTHING all the time when he's away, so you didn't think he would begrudge putting in a bit more when he's actually around, while you get through this difficult period with your dad.

I lost my dad 2 years ago, he was in hospital for about 6 weeks prior, very ill. It was a really difficult time. I was working full time and going to the hospital after work every day, and also going at weekends. DH made sure that when I came home from the hospital in the evening I had a meal to eat. He carried the load for me at home, and I was so grateful, as it was hard enough as it was to go through that. If he'd have told me that he felt he was doing everything during that time I think I would have wanted to walk out.

People who work away while their other half does everything at home can often be quite selfish. They don't get it at all. They're only used to worrying about themselves when they're away and so get a shock when they come home and "demands" are put on them (ie. normal family life stuff). They need to be left to do everything sometimes and then they will start to appreciate the work that goes into keeping everything together when they're not there.

Jeschara · 19/12/2025 16:58

It must be very hard for you. Your husband has helped you, but really should not have burdened you with what he said, knowing how you are feeling. This could have been a discussion for the new year.
Remember there is so much more to do in the festive season and any problems get heightened. You are probably both stressed.

Original poster
NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 17:07

DH does so much when he is home. He has always been this way and we have been married for many years. I can understand him feeling as though he isn’t appreciated and feeling like our relationship is lacking in intimacy. He has very valid points and I know it’s my fault. I just don’t have any energy to deal with any of this on top of everything’s else right now. I feel so broken.

OP posts:
Badsanta12 · 19/12/2025 17:09

Do you work as well?

Original poster
NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 17:10

Yes. I’m on a part time contract, but do full time hours some weeks. It varies.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 17:17

DH told me how he was feeling a couple of days ago, and has just said it again this evening. He got quite frustrated with me, when I tried to say what I had been going through. I told him to leave if that’s what he wants. He has gone out in the car. I don’t know what this means.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 17:34

I’m sorry to bump this post. I just really need some advice.

OP posts:
Scared0112 · 19/12/2025 17:39

There is no real advice: truthfully, if all is as you say then he is being unfair. You’re under so much pressure and dealing with so much, you’re asking for a short term picking up of slack to keep the ship running which as someone else said, is what marriage is meant to be. Tell him you that while his points may be true, and you understand him, you in turn feel let down by him in this way- and that it is also true. You are both valid, but right now he can surely see how this is circumstance and now is the time to prop you up with love and patience and understanding, as I’ve no doubt you’ve done for him in the past.

Original poster
NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 17:46

Thank you. I feel really hurt that he would put this on me right now. Despite there being validity to what he has said. I just feel emotionally broken and not able to deal with this right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 17:56

What do I do? DH is now back home. Walking around the house, but not speaking to me, and I’m not speaking to him. My eyes are puffy from crying, my heads sore. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Scared0112 · 19/12/2025 17:59

Take yourself to bed. Write it down in a text and send to him if you feel you can’t communicate clearly f2f. Discuss tomorrow when you’ve slept and not so upset.

he can choose to act how he wants, you’ll choose whether to accept it or not. Big hugs xx

Badsanta12 · 19/12/2025 18:04

It doesn’t sound irreparable necessarily but you most sound like you feel misunderstood and not heard. Can you ask to chat to him tomorrow when your head is clearer? Explain to him the pressures you’re under. Do you think he would consider marriage therapy?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 19/12/2025 18:06

Ok you sound exhausted and there is a lot going on. I wonder if he feels like you were playing misery top trumps where you were explaining your position. Did you acknowledge his feelings? You don't have to fix it right now, but do you want to? That's what he needs to hear.

Is there any way to ease the burden on both of you? How much do your DC help? Can they do dinner one night a week? Is there any time over Christmas to put some new systems in place? I've just discovered the batch lady which Id recommend if you have a decent freezer. Is a cleaner a possibility?

What is the current situation with both your dad and DC?

suzym1984 · 19/12/2025 18:08

try not to get too worked up - easier said than done I know - but sleep on things and see if you can have a chat tomorrow

try and just validate his feelings and say you also miss intimacy and being more of a partnership - but those times will return !

this is just a rough patch and all marriages have those

so sorry you are feeling so low

coconutchocolatecream · 19/12/2025 18:10

I agree with the PP about (calmly, if possible) explaining that you know he's been picking up a lot of slack lately, but if he understands in turn the pressure you've been under. At least parts of this current rough patch are temporary situations, and yes, it's part of marriage. When one of you is weak, tired, or ill, the other one shoulders more of the responsibilities.

Although the issue is between you and your husband, but I'd also look at what the kids can do to help around the house. They're old enough to spend a few minutes here and there pitching in with smaller jobs like tidying after themselves and helping with meal prep, if that would lighten the burden on your husband (and you).

Ritaskitchen · 19/12/2025 18:15

He isn’t feeling you are listening to him whe you respond to his (valid) issues with your own struggles. Both his and your struggles have equal weigh.
Don’t tell him to leave unless that’s really what you want. And based on the amount of support you have described as needing if he leaves your life is only going to get harder.
Instead tell him you love him (if you do) and try to come up with a plan together.
Do you get a cleaner?
Do standards around the house need to temporary reduce?
Can the children help out a bit more (unwell DC excepted of course)
Do you thank him for all he does and try to receprocate in small ways back? Eg cook a favorite meal, give him a cuddle, hold hands etc.

FusionChefGeoff · 19/12/2025 18:16

NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 17:07

DH does so much when he is home. He has always been this way and we have been married for many years. I can understand him feeling as though he isn’t appreciated and feeling like our relationship is lacking in intimacy. He has very valid points and I know it’s my fault. I just don’t have any energy to deal with any of this on top of everything’s else right now. I feel so broken.

This is exactly how I’d reply “I know it’s shit I hate it too but I just can’t do anymore. It won’t be forever and I really love you.”

Original poster
NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 18:20

My dad was rushed into hospital yesterday. He is now stable but we thought we might lose him and he is still seriously ill. We live hundreds of miles from him, so I can’t be there just yet but we’ll be travelling over soon. Ive been on an emotional rollercoaster, just wish he could have waited more time before piling this on top.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 18:20

Maybe that’s wrong of me to feel that way.x

OP posts:
babasaclover · 19/12/2025 18:23

@NeedyHikeris it possible for him to work locally to support you and child for awhile? Money abroad is great but not worth it if no marriage to return to

OriginalUsername2 · 19/12/2025 18:23

NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 18:20

Maybe that’s wrong of me to feel that way.x

No, it isn’t. He’s not being reasonable at all, he’s being incredibly selfish. You have real problems and he’s whining about his needs.

ForCraftyWriter · 19/12/2025 18:40

@NeedyHiker why did you challenge your husband to “leave”, what did you think that would achieve?
You need to talk and find what he thinks he needs and whether it’s something you can do.
Right now it’s a guessing game as to what he means

Original poster
NeedyHiker · 19/12/2025 18:50

ForCraftyWriter · 19/12/2025 18:40

@NeedyHiker why did you challenge your husband to “leave”, what did you think that would achieve?
You need to talk and find what he thinks he needs and whether it’s something you can do.
Right now it’s a guessing game as to what he means

I just said that because he was saying how long he’s felt like this and how it’s not fair on him and that he’s unhappy. I’m really struggling right now, which I told him, and he continued going on. I just said it as I felt I had nothing more I could say or do.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread