Too much pressure and ready to break. AIBU?

[NeedyHiker]

My DH works overseas and in recent times, has spent quite a lot of time away.

My DS has various medical needs which I do all of the appointments for, and predominantly take care of his needs.

I had a hard time with my mental health recently, which DH was aware of, which has affected the intimacy between DH and I.

Around a month ago, DS became very unwell and quite soon after, my dad was hospitalised and was in a very serious condition. As you can imagine, this was extremely difficult for me.

DH returned form his recent work trip 2 weeks ago and to be honest, I’ve been absolutely exhausted since he came back. DH has been amazing. Taking care of things around the house, but yesterday, he told me he feels like he just cleans and tidies up after everyone and that he’s living with his mate, not his wife.

My dad is still very ill and I just don’t have the headspace to deal with this. DH is right, he does a lot around the house. I have really struggled to keep on top of housework due to work and parenting responsibilities, as well as my mental health, so I understand him feeling the way he does, but I am so drained, I feel like I have nothing more of me to give. I am just so exhausted.

This isn’t really a AIBU. I just need someone to talk to.

You are still quite young. Is this the first time during your married life that one of you has needed extra support to go through a tough time, like a sick parent? That's when you really, really see how strong your marriage is. It's not about an exact balance between give and take, it's about going through both good and bad times together and being there for each other as we get older and life happens. I think he's being selfish and self centred here and I hope he sees this soon. Take care.

Sorry to be blunt, but is he basically saying he wants sex? Reading between the lines, it sounds like that.

I think it would be worth acknowledging to him that it's a very difficult time for the family right now, and he is carrying some extra load to make space for your needs. You say that you appreciate him in your OP, but have you been telling him that?

It seems like he's asking to connect with you in this difficult time, and you are responding by telling him to leave. I totally get your feeling that he is adding an extra demand to you, but that's also not what he's trying to do. Maybe think about what you are able to offer. Not necessarily sex, but time together in some way.

This is really unfair of him. You’re working, parenting and dealing with family hardship. What’s he doing? Working and occasionally doing housework? Sorry but that’s not fair at all. I could understand his perspective more if he was fully funding the household and you had your days spare to take care of the house and child, but you’re working too!

Im wondering if he’s had his head turned and is looking for a reason to duck out. More time abroad, causing arguments when you’re already on your knees, this close to Christmas, leaving you to drive around not communicating…

I don’t want to make you feel any worse, but I don’t think he’s being nice here and I do wonder if there’s more here from him.

Hang in there. This is a rough time but it will get better. Everything passes.

It sounds as though you both have loads to carry. Like some have said it can be a rough patch in marriage.

My DH was in a lot of emotions for at least 2 months one day sad another kind of snappy and impatient. His mum had a serious medical episode but recovered (and now fully ok). He drove to see his mum at the start and after needed time to decompress. The only responsibility outside of his mum was to work (from home). His boss was understanding and he could do half days and attend appointments with his mum. I kept my mouth shut and made sure everything was running as it should especially our toddler DC.

Being on that side does take a little toll because I didn’t have support for how all this impacted me and I had to just continue on with full-time work, childcare drop offs and pick ups, housework, grocery shopping, looking after DC all other times. I knew though not to burden my DH with it on top of what he was dealing with he clearly had a huge emotional burden.

Maybe to start an uninterrupted conversation is the way to go where you both get to listen and talk about all this.

Best of luck hope your dad gets better, OP.

Ultimately it's valid to feel like housemates when you've got so much on your plate. It won't always be like this.

Do you think he just needs to hear that things will get better? Maybe a sit down and a chat tomorrow and just reiterate that.

I wondered that too, has he just got the hump because you’re not in a place to be feeling up for it?

I read it that he feels that your neglecting him
( ie sex ) while he is doing all the extra work
around the house after working away all weeI month

However if he is working away and in hotels / serviced apartments then he doesn’t have to clean or rarely cook for himself so coming home and having to do this is probably pissing him off

tell him to stop acting like a big baby and man up

Does he always make it about him? He sounds potentially narcissistic to me