Was my daughter in the wrong ?

[Donury236]

So, teenage girls, aaargh. My head, honestly!!

My eldest has adhd with significant asd traits - this is very relevant as she has a very Very strong justice 'thing'.

If you significantly wrong her, or anyone she will let you know, and if its something that she sees as done ti purposefully hurt then shes will want nothing more to do with someone.

Today she was taken out of class by a teacher in rrlation to some goings on. She was told by the tr
eacher that she was a nasty girl, and evil bully and an embarassment...(thats verbatim btw...a 40yr old woman called a 16yr old.girl that).

Why? Well, eldest had a friend, S. S didnt have may friends anymore (relevant). eldest was really nice to S, they shared classes, sat next to each other for 1, I gave the kid lift a home with us after school on a friday.

1 day suddenly S just blanks eldest. Totally ignores her. No explanation.
Eldest is like, Ok whatever, gets on with classes, this had also.happened with a few other folk earlier that year.

It then turns out that S had been telling other kids eldest didnt like them/didnt want them in groups with them. Which is a load of bull, and explained why these people had suddenly not been speaking to her. This is what activated eldests cut them off decision. This is also apprently why S had such a non existent friend pool as this is her MO since primary.
S decided though, that when the seating was rearranged in a class to sit inbetween eldest and her best friend. So S sits there in silence, dorsnt engage either of them at all. Blanks them.
They are literally talking/working over her.

Eventually eldest had enough of it and BF took S seat - they did move her stuff off the place which I was not enamored with I wouldnt want someone touching her stuff either.
Eldest and BF were on snapchat in class (yes they shouldn't have been) messing about as it was a double and it was a brain break. They are neurospicy fools so post stupid face pics - and they also have a closed group that see these pics and stories (no one S is friends with - this is relevant!)

Fast forward to a day or so after, they get hauled in as apparently they were videoing S and sharing it with people on snapchat and S says she heard eldest say she wanted to smash her face into the desk, and calling her a bitch.

And, of course, you can't prove whats on snapchap, so they apparently have to believe S.
Eldest said she explained everything that happened. The teacher has said that S was open to having a discussion about eldest apogising for the video etc, and of course eldest said she was not interested in talking to S as A) there was no video so nothing ti apologise for b) it will achieve nothing other than S to accuse her of all sorts. I have said have the meeting, and when you apologise say your are sorry that she thinks she was videod, that she think a she should be allowed to lie, that she thinks false accusations are good things to make, ans sorry that she is under the impression she deserves an apology. But apparently that will get her into more trouble.

As eldest is also a prefect she is worried they could take that away from her. Also her BF didnt get taken out of class, which is why I know its a baseless vendetta from a kid that seems to thrice on being the victim at the centre of drama.

NgL, mama bear is pissed. I usually.let her navigate friendships herself as she is very mature about it. But we do seem to stumble when it comes to manipulative people as we cant think like them, and it gets us upset, so.ive found it hard to explain to her how to navigate that other than to leave well alone - which clearly does not work!! As here we are!

A have now decided its time I wade in, so awaiting a call back from the school for a good explanation of what they think gave them the right to say that to a kid, and how they concluded she was guilty, and ehy want i co tacted about this at thr start.

It is unreasonable of me to weigh in. Eldest is 16 and in 5th year, so legally she is the one with the enrollment/agreement with the school. But also...she is still a kid!

Impossible to know what actually happened but a few things jump out:

• Bottom line is your kid was dicking around on her phone during lessons
• They are all incredibly melodramatic, immature and badly behaved
• You are over-invested in the drama

I think you need to be clear with your DD that you support her but that she’s been her own worst enemy amplifying this by having her phone in class.

And try to take a step back. You are possibly fuelling this by buying into the “she said/she said” argument stuff. You need to get across to her that this is all highly dysfunctional, not normalised it.

And take her phone away.

Yeah, you’re unreasonable for this alone, OP. Cringe
😬

The way you’ve “weighed in” is unreasonable. Calmly contacting the school and asking to speak to someone who can give you reliable information about what’s going on and how the school are addressing it if it’s being treated as bullying is the route to go down rather than being “that parent” who has taken their teenager’s story as complete truth. You can support your DD whilst also being firm with her that she’s behaved badly in the situation by messing around with her phone on Snapchat and moving somebody’s things because she doesn’t want them to sit where the’ve been allocated.

So your daughter fucked around and found out. And yes I have a teenage DD so I'm aware of the quarrels they have, but you don't seem to be aware that actions have consequences

I found that post very difficult to follow but in all honesty I find it very hard to justify your daughter filming someone and laughing about it in social media. I’m glad social media was big around when I was in school , I think it’s a particularly nasty way to bully people. I mean from what we have heard S isn’t perfect either but two wrongs don’t make a right.

It is very obvious that ‘S’s version of this would read very very differently.
You, nor your dd, will get no where op if you continue to be unaccountable for your own actions and so utterly lacking in self awareness.

For example, when the 3 of them were in a row, and your dd and her BF are talking across her - can you really not see what’s that like from ‘S’ s side? It’s nasty, really really nasty to exclude her like that.

Your child needs to be held accountable for being on her phone at school when she wasn't supposed to be. That's all you need to pick from all of that OP.

I'd be coming down on her hard about taking the piss in class, as an autism mother myself.

You lost me with neurospicy and mama bear.

Me too 😂

Also I doubt very much that a teacher would call your DD an evil bully. That will be your DD embellishing.

Yes it sounds like your daughter was bullying the other girl. She talked over her head, moved her stuff without asking, bitched about on social media. She got caught being a dick and you’re convinced it’s everyone’s fault but her own. You’re setting her up to fail.

I believe it. I was told I was evil and like the IRA for being unkind to a friend but a mad teacher (we’d had a fall out and she’d lied and created the issue so I retaliated by ignoring her -I was unkind but only matching her initial game playing and we were friends a few days later after she apologised).

I would use the opportunity to teach dc that life isn’t always fair and you can’t control other people’s action but you can control how you rise above it and prove them wrong about you. There’s little to gain with any other approach and the reality is, it’s an important life lesson.

my eldest is very much one for justice so I taught her about football referees having to make split decisions and sometimes they are wrong. Teachers manage behaviour like a ref with the immediate available information. They’re not always right.

Sorry, but with these scenarios you only hear one side of the story, I would let the school deal with it.

I work with children with autism. Often the ‘strong sense of social injustice’ is in one direction only. So they will behave in a certain way to another child, and the roots will be in anxiety/overwelm/disregulated and that seems to be fine. But woe betide the other child do the exact same thing back to them. ND shouldn’t be an excuse to behave in ways to others, for sure you can see where the root is, but the solution is to find strategies, not to be allowed to treat others how you want because nd.

So another case of 'my daughter is an angel, how dare someone who has no reason to lie, made something up about something they are upset about, when all evidence point to the daughter being the liar'...

Another mum not able to consider that their darling might twist the actual truth to get their sympathy and support.

Another mum who fails to appreciate that in such circumstances, there are almost inevitably two sides to the story and the truth somewhere in between.

Another mum feeling its their duty to get involved, going in all blazing, to defend their poor innocent victim of a child.

We then wonder why kids struggle to adjust to adult life...

Surprised school chose to believe S about snap chat. I would get the schools version before you wade in.

I would be pointing out to dd that they shouldn't have stole another kids seat and pushed her stuff. They shouldn't have been on Snapchat on school then they couldnt have been accused of anything.

You both sound like drama lamas. Stay out of it

She lost me at ‘neuro spicy’ 🙄

Your daughter needs to accept discipline and you need to stand back. Best to advise her not to use her phone in class.

Teenage girls are notorious at bending the truth. 🙄

I have said have the meeting, and when you apologise say your are sorry that she thinks she was videod, that she think a she should be allowed to lie, that she thinks false accusations are good things to make, ans sorry that she is under the impression she deserves an apology.

I think your dd might be the more sensible one of the 2 of you, please leave her to manage things herself.

As her parent, you should be capable of teaching your daughter how to apologise when there has been a misunderstanding, as you believe there has been here.

Being able to apologise graciously for the impact one’s behaviour has had, regardless of the intent behind it, is an important skill.

My daughter did something to piss of her friend group. They chose to completely freeze her out and exclude her rather than just saying they didn’t want to be friends with her, or talking to her about what the problem was. They also convinced other girls she was not to be spoken to so for about 6 months she was entirely on her own at school and they made her life miserable by refusing to sit with or work with her in class. I was clear and so was the school, this is bullying. This is how teenage girls do it and it is hideous.

The heinous thing my daughter had done was A) be autistic. Her social filter isn’t brilliant although it improves all the time. She knows when not to say things but unfortunately her face is rather expressive. B) be physically disabled and complained once too often about them just deciding to do stuff with no thought about how she could join in. A couple of years on, two of the three girls involved have since apologised to her for what they did and why.

Regardless of your daughter’s disability and her reasons, the way she is treating this girl is bullying. She is allowed not to be friends with her if she doesn’t want to but this is not the way to do it.

Your DD does need to learn that not only does she need to behave properly in class, she also needs to appear to be behaving properly - if she looks as if she is doing something wrong (in this case, filming) then there are likely to still be consequences.

This, and has the “verbatim” information come from your dd or the teacher, or your daughter videoing people again?
The behaviour of her and friend throughout sound horribly bullying, talking over and across someone, your dd moving her stuff because she doesn’t approve of the seating plan? Can imagine if poor S even touched your princess’ table you and she would be shrieking for permanent exclusion!!

Very wise advice @GlassofRosePorfavor