To tell my dds to stop bothering me with their complaints

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I have 3 young adult dds currently living at home, they are 24, 22 and 18.

They each have an issue with one of their sisters which they keep complaining to me about. Dd1 complains about dd2’s bathroom hygiene (it’s fine but dd1 is super fussy), dd2 complains about the cat bowl in the utility room (she doesn’t like cats or the smell of the food). I always put the food round the side of the washing machine so it’s out of sight but the other two don’t always do this and dd2 complains to me. Dd3 complains that her older sister likes to hang with out in the kitchen preventing her from going in there (dd3 is autistic and prefers to eat alone). She’s entitled to do that but she has to work round the rest of the family.

Im fed up with these complaints about other people so im thinking of saying firmly from now on, I don’t want to hear them and they should discuss with the person concerned.

AIBU?

Can DD take her food some where else to eat?

YANBU. They're old enough to sort their petty grievances out between themselves.

i can understand how much it must get you down. in all fairness they are adults so they should sort their own complaints out save you being dragged into things. could you keep out of it in all honesty if things got heated?

Yanbu. I have 2 young adult dc and one who is almost an adult. When they come to me and complain about one another, I have just recently started telling them to go and speak to the relevant sibling. I now refuse to be a go between because it’s exhausting.

YANBU - igmts good practice for life to ask them what they want to do about an issue, how would they solve it? You're not there to manage their lives, start encouraging behaviours

Of course you should tell them, they're acting like primary school children.
They are free to house themselves if your property isn't up to their standards.

Definitely tell them to sort it out with each other. They're adults, the end.

Bloody hell, I'd have long ago told them I didn't want to hear it and to sort it out with each other.

I’m not sure your Dads aren’t a bit spoilt. They have somewhat petty needs in my view and they are accommodated. I’d just tell them to be quiet and grow up. Does dd3 not let anyone else into the kitchen? I’d not accept that either, send or not.

Time for at least one to move out …

You say dd2s bathroom hygiene is fine - none of dd1's business then.

Dd2 can move the cat bowl if she doesn't like where it is, if she's really OTT she can hold her nose whilst moving around to the side.

DD3 can eat somewhere else. I don't like eating around other people so I go somewhere else.

I’ve suggested this but she won’t. She’ll just to have to wait then won’t she?

Not unreasonable. Tell them to suck it up, none of the issues are major or need fixing IMO.

I Would be suggesting 24 and 22 get a flat together somewhere tbf.

If dd3 is autistic, given the stress dd1 feels about hygiene and dd2 feels about smells, I’d potentially consider them having autistic traits as well.

in any case, I would sit all 3 down and ask them to calmly and politely talk to the relevant person about the issues being faced. Ask them to compromise - eg put cat bowl in proper place, try to put bathroom crap in bin or whatever.

Next time any of them come to you with this petty ass bullshit, say

"Maybe it's time you think about moving out if it's so difficult for you here."

I hope they're paying rent and doing most of the housework.

Honestly you aren’t the complaints line. Tell them to sort it themselves and also, remind them they are lucky to be in your house.

I agree with this. If they want the perks of living in the family home they have to deal with the family living there. It's not your job to tie yourself in knots making sure three adults are not bothering each other, in fact they are bothering YOU.

I went to a funeral yesterday and this lovely poem was read. The person concerned lived that life, she was someone who brought the joy. A life well lived and much mourned.

The world would be a happier place if more of us could remember this good advice

Print out a copy for each child and suggest this for their New Year Resolutions.

YANBU. I'd tell them to put a sock in it. They're all adults and need to stop whining and being annoying. And if they find it so hard to live together, perhaps it's time (at least the older ones) moved out!

I have the perfect solution OP and at this time of year it can also double as a bonus Christmas present.

Get a Complaints Book.

I got one for my DH a few years ago. Any moan, whinge, grumble to me about other people/things - 'Put it in the Complaints Book'.

Get them one each. Personalised if you like and redirect them every time. It works, trust me.

Its easy. Repeat after me
"This is my house, if you don't like it then don't let the door hit you on the arse on your way out"
Rinse and repeat.

Agreed. Couldn’t live like this, tale telling 😑.

When this happens at work (colleague complaining about another colleague) I encourage them to talk directly to the colleague. Involving a third person risks triangulation and is bypassing their own responsibility for conflict resolution. I think you could gently encourage them to negotiate and compromise with each other. It sounds like they all have autistic traits and so are likely to be rigid in their thinking. They might need some help from you to learn how to negotiate with each other directly.

"Why are you telling me?". Repeat as necessary.

They are all old enough to directly address the person they have an issue with and to work out compromises. These are necessary life skills.