Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When to tell toddler about divorce...

29 replies

17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:00

My ex and I have recently agreed terms in principle i.e. I will be buying her out of the marital home and crucially, we will be splitting custody of our four year old DD 50/50.

They have remained at the home, I was asked to move out at the start of the year. Since then I've been living at my auntie's, but I spend time with DD at the home without my ex present - giving her tea, bathing her, putting her to bed etc. I also stay over occasionally, again whilst my ex stays elsewhere.

My ex is going to tell DD this weekend (20th/21st December) that we're split, and that she'd like me to be involved but ultimately she is going to tell her this weekend with or without my participation.

She's said DD has been asking questions - where's dad, and why are Christmas cards addressed to them and not dad. She feels we're keeping it from her which could be damaging and lead to mistrust. But I feel the time isn't quite right because...

a) we don't yet know for sure where we're going to live - breaking such big news to her only to follow it up with uncertainties is going to leave her with more questions than answers

b) we're so close to Christmas - telling her now could leave an imprint on her mind every Christmas that this is the time of year that mum and dad split up

...the way things are now are broadly how they've been the whole year, so I feel holding back until there's concrete change is appropriate for someone the sort of age DD is.

I've suggested the compromise of telling her after new year and dealing with the unknowns as best we can. But my ex is adamant on telling her this weekend.

Does anyone have any insight/advice?

OP posts:
KilliMonjaro · 18/12/2025 12:07

Sorry are you saying you will take their home?

If she’s set on telling her then she’s going to do it isn’t she.

You should be there too, to reassure your daughter you’re not leaving her / still love her etc.

I agree it could wait. But you need to discuss with your ex.

Lmnop22 · 18/12/2025 12:09

Why do you have to tell her you’re split? She won’t understand what that means because she has no concept or understanding of adult relationships.

All she needs to know is daddy doesn’t live at home anymore but she will see him on x,y,z days without fail and mummy and daddy love her very very much.

Evaka · 18/12/2025 12:11

Lmnop22 · 18/12/2025 12:09

Why do you have to tell her you’re split? She won’t understand what that means because she has no concept or understanding of adult relationships.

All she needs to know is daddy doesn’t live at home anymore but she will see him on x,y,z days without fail and mummy and daddy love her very very much.

I think this is right. Very similar to how my sister navigated with then 5 yo when she and ex split. They explained it a bit more to v clued in 8 yo. Neither seem terribly damaged. Sounds like you're working hard on putting your girl first which is most important x

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:12

KilliMonjaro · 18/12/2025 12:07

Sorry are you saying you will take their home?

If she’s set on telling her then she’s going to do it isn’t she.

You should be there too, to reassure your daughter you’re not leaving her / still love her etc.

I agree it could wait. But you need to discuss with your ex.

We jointly own but ex can't afford to take on the house herself. I can (in principle) so she will downsize - this is what she wants.

Agreed, me not being there is non-negotiable, but my ex has seemingly made the timing non-negotiable as well - discussions are going nowhere.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 18/12/2025 12:14

Why is she adamant that it's done this weekend? She must have a reason? Is it simply because family might mention it over Christmas and she doesn't want your DD to be blind-sided?

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:15

Lmnop22 · 18/12/2025 12:09

Why do you have to tell her you’re split? She won’t understand what that means because she has no concept or understanding of adult relationships.

All she needs to know is daddy doesn’t live at home anymore but she will see him on x,y,z days without fail and mummy and daddy love her very very much.

Agreed, but ex is ultimately saying the conversation is definitely going to happen this weekend with or without my involvement.

I'm trying to suggest we wait until after Christmas for the reasons I've given, but here we are.

OP posts:
ShesTheAlbatross · 18/12/2025 12:16

She already knows the most important thing to her - that you don’t live there anymore. I’m not sure that to a four year old, the concept of divorce is going to add anything to her understanding of the situation to be honest.

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:19

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/12/2025 12:14

Why is she adamant that it's done this weekend? She must have a reason? Is it simply because family might mention it over Christmas and she doesn't want your DD to be blind-sided?

She said she's not going through Christmas pretending and that it isn't fair on DD, she's not having DD confused about why we're not all together on Christmas Day and over the next two weeks.

But my point is that's how it's been the whole year. So there's no concrete change.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 18/12/2025 12:20

17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:15

Agreed, but ex is ultimately saying the conversation is definitely going to happen this weekend with or without my involvement.

I'm trying to suggest we wait until after Christmas for the reasons I've given, but here we are.

Show quote history

If she won’t listen to reason then there’s obviously not much you can do but I would be there, hear what’s said and reiterate over and over again that it is NOT her fault, she can ask any questions she wants and you will answer them and that you love her unconditionally. Thats what she needs to hear now, nothing else.

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:22

ShesTheAlbatross · 18/12/2025 12:16

She already knows the most important thing to her - that you don’t live there anymore. I’m not sure that to a four year old, the concept of divorce is going to add anything to her understanding of the situation to be honest.

My ex wants to tell DD that the two of them won't be living in this house (i.e. the marital home), that they will be living somewhere else, and that sometimes DD will live with mum and other times with dad in this house.

She's saying that conversation is definitely going to happen this weekend.

OP posts:
sanityisamyth · 18/12/2025 12:23

Lmnop22 · 18/12/2025 12:09

Why do you have to tell her you’re split? She won’t understand what that means because she has no concept or understanding of adult relationships.

All she needs to know is daddy doesn’t live at home anymore but she will see him on x,y,z days without fail and mummy and daddy love her very very much.

This.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 18/12/2025 12:28

Don't make it a big deal. If the adults in her life can calmly explain a change in living arrangements it would make things much easier.

fairlyfairtoday · 18/12/2025 12:29

Has she wanted to tell your toddler before and you've been putting it off, or is this the first time she's brought the subject up? I can from your message understand your logic of wanting to delay until after christmas- provided that you haven't got form for putting this conversation off.

The sudden urgency and ultimatum does slightly suggest to me she might be at the end of her tether and sick of the limbo.

ChefsKisser · 18/12/2025 12:49

A four year old is not a toddler she will be at school soon. Be open and honest with her it will be less unsettling.

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:51

ChefsKisser · 18/12/2025 12:49

A four year old is not a toddler she will be at school soon. Be open and honest with her it will be less unsettling.

We will, it's the timing we can't agree on.

OP posts:
Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:55

fairlyfairtoday · 18/12/2025 12:29

Has she wanted to tell your toddler before and you've been putting it off, or is this the first time she's brought the subject up? I can from your message understand your logic of wanting to delay until after christmas- provided that you haven't got form for putting this conversation off.

The sudden urgency and ultimatum does slightly suggest to me she might be at the end of her tether and sick of the limbo.

Since the start of December, not been brought up until then.

OP posts:
KilliMonjaro · 18/12/2025 13:09

sanityisamyth · 18/12/2025 12:23

This.

Show quote history

agree

pigmygoatsinjumpers · 18/12/2025 13:20

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I also don't understand why you are referring to your little girl as a "toddler".

Infants become "toddlers" once they start walking - which in some cases may be around ten or eleven months. By the time a child is three and is able to walk reasonable distances but may still be using a buggy sometimes they are no longer toddlers.

Your daughter is four. Some children start reception class when they are four.

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 13:24

pigmygoatsinjumpers · 18/12/2025 13:20

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I also don't understand why you are referring to your little girl as a "toddler".

Infants become "toddlers" once they start walking - which in some cases may be around ten or eleven months. By the time a child is three and is able to walk reasonable distances but may still be using a buggy sometimes they are no longer toddlers.

Your daughter is four. Some children start reception class when they are four.

The title reflects how stressful the year has been if I'm completely honest.

OP posts:
Sprogonthetyne · 18/12/2025 13:38

Times move quickly for a 4 year old, so she might not even remember when you all lived together a year ago, or see how it is relevant to her life now. The information shes getting is that she and mummy are moving house and she'll be spending more time with daddy in the old house. The fact you have split will have been obvious to her for the last year, so very old news by now.

butterdish93 · 18/12/2025 13:44

Lmnop22 · 18/12/2025 12:09

Why do you have to tell her you’re split? She won’t understand what that means because she has no concept or understanding of adult relationships.

All she needs to know is daddy doesn’t live at home anymore but she will see him on x,y,z days without fail and mummy and daddy love her very very much.

She’s 4!! Not a toddler of course she will understand.
there’s no easy way at all OP. I would insist that you do it together for the sake of your daughter.

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 13:49

butterdish93 · 18/12/2025 13:44

She’s 4!! Not a toddler of course she will understand.
there’s no easy way at all OP. I would insist that you do it together for the sake of your daughter.

Show quote history

Realise now calling her a toddler is just a reflection of how stressful this year has been tbh.

Agreed doing it together is non-negotiable, what's also become non-negotiable is the timing.

OP posts:
WinWhenTheyreSinging · 18/12/2025 13:49

I do have some sympathy that this isn't a great time of year for the news, but that is countered with thinking it's madness that you've been gone most/all of this year and haven't spoken to her yet - poor child!

On that basis, it seems that you're just not keen to tell her at all, in which case I suppose now is as good a time as any.

NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2025 13:50

pigmygoatsinjumpers · 18/12/2025 13:20

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I also don't understand why you are referring to your little girl as a "toddler".

Infants become "toddlers" once they start walking - which in some cases may be around ten or eleven months. By the time a child is three and is able to walk reasonable distances but may still be using a buggy sometimes they are no longer toddlers.

Your daughter is four. Some children start reception class when they are four.

I agree with you, but given the OP's situation and question that he's asking here, do you think a lesson in the language used to describe children of different ages is all that appropriate?

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 13:51

WinWhenTheyreSinging · 18/12/2025 13:49

I do have some sympathy that this isn't a great time of year for the news, but that is countered with thinking it's madness that you've been gone most/all of this year and haven't spoken to her yet - poor child!

On that basis, it seems that you're just not keen to tell her at all, in which case I suppose now is as good a time as any.

There were signs of potential reconciliation for the first six or seven months.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread