When to tell toddler about divorce...

[17GoingUnder]

My ex and I have recently agreed terms in principle i.e. I will be buying her out of the marital home and crucially, we will be splitting custody of our four year old DD 50/50.

They have remained at the home, I was asked to move out at the start of the year. Since then I've been living at my auntie's, but I spend time with DD at the home without my ex present - giving her tea, bathing her, putting her to bed etc. I also stay over occasionally, again whilst my ex stays elsewhere.

My ex is going to tell DD this weekend (20th/21st December) that we're split, and that she'd like me to be involved but ultimately she is going to tell her this weekend with or without my participation.

She's said DD has been asking questions - where's dad, and why are Christmas cards addressed to them and not dad. She feels we're keeping it from her which could be damaging and lead to mistrust. But I feel the time isn't quite right because...

a) we don't yet know for sure where we're going to live - breaking such big news to her only to follow it up with uncertainties is going to leave her with more questions than answers

b) we're so close to Christmas - telling her now could leave an imprint on her mind every Christmas that this is the time of year that mum and dad split up

...the way things are now are broadly how they've been the whole year, so I feel holding back until there's concrete change is appropriate for someone the sort of age DD is.

I've suggested the compromise of telling her after new year and dealing with the unknowns as best we can. But my ex is adamant on telling her this weekend.

Does anyone have any insight/advice?

I agree with you OP, I wouldn't tell her about the house move until there is a firm plan in place.

In terms of telling her about the split, I don't think you really need to. She has presumably already noticed that you're living with your Aunt and not at home? I would answer her questions, in a truthful and age appropriate way, as they come up. There is no need to sit her down and make a big announcement.

When you do tell her about the house move, it's all a out tone rather than timing. Sell it to her like it's a great thing and she'll go along with that. Don't do a big, dramatic, we're all sad it didn't work out type chat with a small child.

If you're there half the time now, isn't DD asking you these questions too?

Or are you not there 5050 and mum is sick of fielding the questions and wants to give a straight answer.

It's a little less than 50/50 at the moment simply because I don't live there, but I see DD several times a week.

DD asks "is mama home?" and I respond with saying she's working. I believe my ex does the same when I'm not there.

Precisely. She’s 4. She doesn’t know what marriage is or that grown ups fall in and out of love.

The only love 4 year olds (hopefully) know about is the unconditional kind that doesn’t end randomly one Tuesday. She is not going to be able to differentiate between that and the love mummy and daddy have for her and will lead her to believe that ends.

When my ex left, my son was 4 and we presented him with facts that he could digest and understand:

1. Daddy will be living elsewhere;
2. You will see him every other weekend;
3. We both love you the same:
4. This is not your fault.

Let’s not catch kids up in adult conversations that they can’t comprehend when they will be misunderstood and potentially traumatic.