To think my mil is being passive aggressive?

[YourSparklyOchreRobin]

I (30) am engaged to my fiancé (39) . We’ve been engaged for a year now.

We recently had my future mother in law over to stay and I felt like she was being passive aggressive with me. Over the few days she was here she mentioned marriage and weddings and that she ‘would feel utterly heartbroken’ if her kids were to get married without her there and that it would ‘break her’. She knows we were thinking about eloping then doing a big party afterwards as we are quite shy and wanted our wedding intimate.
But nothing is set in stone.

For her 74th birthday this year she’s going away to Spain and has invited everyone to come. I have to stay here because we have renovations happening on our house and have to be here for the contractors etc. I’ve encouraged my partner to go however he doesn’t want to go as he doesn’t want to leave me by myself. I’ve explicitly told him I think he should go and that it would be nice. He also said he doesn’t want to go partly because he can’t deal with his siblings (who he has a slightly turbulent relationship with)

He has explained his reasoning to her but when she was here she kept saying ‘as long as all my kids are with me on my holiday I’ll be happy’ she also kept mentioning she may not have long left ! I’m not sure if she blames me for him not going ! It’s not my fault.

Also I’ve just turned 30 and she said that I’m getting older and that I need to think about children as it won’t be long before I’m infertile.
I just felt this was so insensitive. Her other children have had kids so she’s already a grandma but they are grown up now. She always brings up having children when we see her. I just feel like snapping back at her!

Lastly she criticised me on how we are spending our money. We go on holiday maybe every few years - if that (we don’t particularly enjoy travelling) and also we probably go out to eat once in a blue moon. We both work really hard and have jointly decided to spend our money on buying a house and renovating it. When she stayed over she expressed concern that we never go out and that we have ‘no life’ She said life’s to short to just spend our money on renovations and that we need to go on more vacations. She is not well off because she spends ALL of her money on vacations and eating out. When we meet up with her she doesn’t pay for a single thing. We take her out to eat when she’s here. It took every bit of me to say that I think she’s the one wasting her money.

I’m really starting to dislike her and dread whenever we have to see her.

sorry for the rant just need some advice please.

thank you x

Kill her with kindness.

You only have to see her every once in a while. Smack on a smile and just stick to small talk.

Why do you carte
Just live your own life

I think she sounds controlling. Well she has gone now. Just do what you want to do and take no notice of her.

Yes, she's trying to manipulate you. Brush off each comment breezily.

Deal with it by saying "oh, well, everyone chooses different ways to spend their money." and then firmly change the subject.

Tell her marriage is an outdated institution 😁

When she mentions dcs, say "it's not that urgent, I have a friend who had her only dc at 45." ( I managed this without any medical assistance)

Tell her nothing about your life.
Small talk only
Then she has less ammunition to criticise

Because we’re social creatures who may have emotional responses when those in our inner circle are unpleasant to us.

From my experience the older we get the more we worry and complain about things, and more inclined to speak mind. I think they are probably all valid issues from her perspective, wanting to see her son get married, be at party etc. I personally wouldn't read too much into it.

She sounds overprotective and aware of her own mortality.

Do we have the same mother in law? Mine is just like that - she never says anything directly - it’s all suggestions and manipulations and hints, and it’s all about her and her selfish desires. Drives me mad. My MIL is twenty years older than yours, and still going strong.

She cares because it's her partner's Mother obviously.

she ‘would feel utterly heartbroken’ if her kids were to get married without her there and that it would ‘break her’.
"you should try not to let your happiness depend on things outside of your control, its not healthy". Repeat as required.

as long as all my kids are with me on my holiday I’ll be happy’
"I hope they will be MIL". Repeat as required.

I’m getting older and that I need to think about children as it won’t be long before I’m infertile
"That will be a decision for me and DH". Repeat as required.

She said life’s to short to just spend our money on renovations and that we need to go on more vacations.
"That is a choice for me and DH". Repeat as required.

When we meet up with her she doesn’t pay for a single thing. We take her out to eat when she’s here.
Why do you always pay? Does she always pay when you visit her? I'd think about ways to address this if it is starting to cause resentment. Maybe do more meals at home / invite her less often

She sounds just like my mother who was a master manipulator. I realised - the hard way- to tell her as little as possible about my life. She’s lived her life - she has no right to organise yours. Stay strong.

If you love your dp, then ask him how he sees it - does he pick up and worry about the comments about hot fertility?

Unless it’s upsetting him just smile and nod and let him deal with dmil, and just try to minimise contact time.

If I was trying to be sympathetic to her I’d point out that she may be right - age 74 she probably doesn’t have very many active /good years left. She wants to pack in as much life experience, fun, memories as she can. I get that.

However what is not cool is pressurising you to live your life to suit her agenda.

I had no pressure from parents. I got married at age 32 - I found out my dad was dying just after we got engaged, and it completely changed my view of how I wanted my wedding to look. I decided I wanted a close family wedding near home, with the best photographer money could buy. I have the best photos of me, mum and dad. My dad died 9 months later whilst I was pregnant with my dc1. I wish he could have lived to meet his only granddaughter. He was 73.

Im not saying you should cave - but she’s not being totally unreasonable about her fears and hopes .

Spend less time with her.

I would confront it. 'I am sure you don't mean to but when you say it would break your heart not to be at your children's weddings it sounds as if you are criticising our plans to elope - is that what you are doing?' Then she has to agree or withdraw. If she agrees at least you can then discuss it because it is out in the open. If she withdraws then she lost her right to have an opinion.

Minor point, but do people generally let everyone know they are planning to elope?
Seems like a behavioural oxymoron, IYSWIM.

My advice to people with controlling parents is to point out that if they (the parents) consider that they've done a decent job of raising their dc then they should be able to trust their dc to make good decisions in life independent of anyone else.

Nobody with any conscience would wait until they’re 45 to have kids though, not these days. My parents did and my sibling and I paid the hefty price for it. They now deeply regret their choices after seeing us as adults with only them as living family remaining.

I think it’s partly your partner’s fault for using you as an excuse not to go on the holiday. If he doesn’t want to go he should just say so.

I'm in my 40s. I would be hrartbroken if one of my kids eloped and didn't invite me to her wedding. I would like all of my kids to be together for my birthday. I would advise anyone to get with having kids as I started at 31 and needed IVF and didn't manage to conceive till 36. Could you try to be a bit kinder and see things from her point of view a bit more, to keep the peace?

No one is criticising the MIL for having those feelings - its the fact that she is expressing it this way. Frankly. these are not ok things to express this way in this context and you only do so if you are reasonably controlling and "passive aggressive". I want and feel lots of things in life but I don't expect other people to prioritise that over their own needs in areas, e.g. their own wedding, where it is demonstrably more important that they are happy.

But a lot to do with weddings and birthdays is actually about bringing families together. I don’t think the MIL sounds as awful as the OP is making her out to be.

It's none of the MIL's business what people choose for their own weddings. The MIL is trying to manipulate them to do what SHE wants for their wedding. That makes her controlling and interfering.

Christ alive. No wonder people don't have relationships with their wider family when they are so sensitive they can't brush off this sort of stuff.

Older people who use the 'I might not have long left to live' argument to get their own way (unless they actually have a terminal or life-limiting illness) should be ignored. It's just emotional blackmail. Your MIL sounds like a twat.