Love my husband but think I fancy another man?

[Hiits]

So, I love my husband so much, I would never cheat on him. He works very long hours so I don’t have to work and can be here for the kids, we have 3 under 5, he lets me sleep in every weekend and lets me buy anything I want, never talks about money. Our money is ours, no matter who’s earned it.

He is a bit grumpy when he comes home as he’s tired from a 15 hour day. Hardly sleeps,
something I feel neglected.

Recently, I have found myself attracted to a school dad, I haven’t spoken to him, never would. I wouldn’t entertain anything. Is this strange? Is this not normal? Why have I felt like this when I love my husband so much?

Don’t over think this, finding other people attractive just means you’re still alive! Just admire from a distance and no harm done!

You’re allowed to find other people attractive. Tbh, I’m surprised this is the only time it’s ever happened to you.

Nothing to do with cheating or your love for your husband.

It’s a crush, it will pass

i think you’re feeling neglected and maybe this attraction is coming from a place where you’re feeling something is missing in your relationship at home .
It’s dangerous and can escalate very quickly , don’t poke the bear … you’re just window shopping that is all , stay window shopping …

A 15 hour day? That's not healthy. What does he do?

He needs to work less. You both need to spend time together. You need to ignore the crush. It will pass and you will think thank fuck I didn't act on that (many of us have been there).

He sounds like a great husband who must be exhausted supporting you all by working such long days. Doubt he's got much time for you so I can see why you might feel neglected, but that's the decision you both jointly made.

It’s quite okay fancying a bloke who’s not your husband.
And for him, as well. As long as neither of you act on it.
Can you work on improving your own intimacy at all?

Asking for permission?

Jesus Christ I can imagine the replies if yoh swapped sexes

From the OP: * *

"..I feel neglected."

From @Icouldwriteabookonmydisastrouslife:

"i think you’re feeling neglected"

It's like a 6th sense!

Just to make it clear, I love and fancy my husband so much. He does me too even though I look rough and unkept every day because I don’t get time for me, with 3 under 5.

He works long shifts, because of the natural of our work (own business) I have trackers on where he’s all day. So, I know he is working all day. He also rings me all day to make sure I’m ok, or if need anything. Which he can’t do anything about but we can discuss it together

@Hiits It's totally normal to be attracted to other people from afar. Are you happy in your life and marriage in general? If so it's all good.

You’re married, not dead. You’re allowed to find other people attractive.

That said, the fact that you feel neglected is a bit of a worry. Those cracks are where crushes can get in and start to flourish.

Talk to your DH.

Why do you feel neglected? Your DH is working his balls off to financially support the family whilst you are a SAHM. You also say he fancies and loves you and rings you all day to make sure you're OK. That doesn't sound very neglectful. With 3 kids under 5 and him working 15 hour days there isn't going to be much time for romance. How does your DH feel, does he feel neglected too?

You track him? That’s creepy, don’t you trust him?

It's projection

look but don’t touch.
cut back on unnecessary outgoings so dh doesnt have to work such long hours.
he will end up sick otherwise.
spend more time together.
life is too short. enjoy it with dh.

As others have said you are married not dead.

Avoid the school dad or speak to other people.

Read John Gottmans book (I should have shares in that book!) Seven principles of making marriage work. And his other book about six dates (something like that). Read it with husband and do the exercises.

I wish you well. Avoid school dad and water your own garden (marriage).

Also 3 kids under 5 and him working long hours. Give it 4 years it will be easier.

Neglectful or busy supporting his family?

Read the books.

Perfectly normal. As long as the thoughts of him don't become intrusive and you don't make any attempt to get to know him or respond to any from him, you're fine.

They'd be the same.

While Mumsnet does tend to lean bias towards women, this is one of those things where it's just human. Men and women both fancy people outside of their relationships, it's normal. We're animals at the end of the day.

Was coming to say it’s fine to have a crush/find someone else attractive - I suspect it feels wrong because it’s someone a bit closer to home. You wouldn’t think twice about a celebrity or a hot guy you saw in the supermarket because you know you’re never seeing them again and nothing could happen - but a school dad is dangerous because you likely see him daily, possibly twice. You know if you strike up a conversation and he fancies you too, you enter affair territory. So keep away. Look but don’t touch.

However, having read your update I feel I need to say something else. It’s really not ok and not healthy to be tracking him. Why are you doing this? Do you not trust him? If you don’t, you have bigger problems than a harmless crush. Does he know (and enthusiastically agree to) you tracking him?

15 hour days are unsustainable if you want your marriage to survive. At this rate you will feel more and more lonely and one or both of you is more likely to be tempted elsewhere. Does he really need to be working that many hours? When do you get family time? When do you get time as a couple? It maybe he needs to employ someone else so that he can reduce his hours, or if you need the money, you might need to take on a job so that he can work less.

Hi, so about the tracking. It is vital for me to do this in our employment, we work together. If I didn’t do this, it is dangerous and he couldn’t do his job. It’s literally not for my to be tracking his Location, it’s for events that could happen and having that as a back up incase it happens. Think of it as a dash cam or house security camera you can access all the time, but don’t need to unless there is a problem. Same concept.

I don’t check this unless I need to, but mentioned this to make it obvious that he’s not doing long days undercover for an affair or to get away from me. He is actually working and not doing any wrongdoings when away from his family.

You probably spend a lot of time around little children, and so seeing a attractive dad on the school run has made your brain fantasise a bit, but as long as that's all it is and you don't make the dad feel self-conscious and you appreciate everything your husband does, then I don't think this is a huge big deal.