To think my cousin's baby might have died?

[AsIfIWish]

I'll try and make this short. I feel like this is both a very minor yet possibly a very major question! My family/extended family members are all very friendly with each other, but my parents moved a long way away from the rest of the family when I was young, so I've never been close to my aunts, uncles and cousins and don't see them much now that I'm grown/married myself. We see them at weddings, funerals and the occasional big birthday family gathering, but that's it. Just due to covid and lack of family events etc, it's probably 6 years since I saw the cousin in question as they live the furthest away.

I always send Christmas cards to these family members to show I'm thinking of them, but most of the time I don't know much about their lives, save for the couple of people who include letters with their news. This is especially the case on my dad's side of the family, because relatives sometimes tell him things on the phone and he forgets to tell my mum, or any of us!

So, I'm about to write a card to my cousin on my dad's side, when I suddenly remember that last year in her card to my parents (and possibly her card to us too, I can't remember), she wrote that they were expecting a baby, due in March this year. The only trouble is, neither I nor my mum or dad have any recollection of being told about this baby actually being born...

I feel awful not putting anything about it in the card, in case the baby WAS born and my dad forgot to tell us, but likewise I don't want to assume that everything was fine and dandy and include the (nameless!) baby in the card, just in case something awful happened.

I can't ask the cousin myself and nor will my mum (I asked her), but my dad won't get round to asking anyone about it for weeks either - if at all. I also need to send my Christmas cards asap.

Help. What do I do?!

Have you checked Facebook?

To Cousin and Family
Love from @AsIfIWish and Family

See what names are in the card back 👀

Quick text to a different cousin/aunt - “Just doing my Christmas cards, am I right that Sarah had a baby this year? Could you let me know what little one is called? Dads terrible at passing on news.”

‘To you all’

I wouldn't send a card if I knew that little about them or be able to ask someone about them

This is perfect. I understand your worry, OP. We had an incident after our daughter was stillborn when my husbands aunt contacted us to wish us a merry Christmas and said something like ‘oh that little girl will be due soon, you must be so excited’ it was heartbreaking to have to correct her and know that she would be upset too.

Sadly I've never had phone/email contact with them as a family, just face to face/letters. BUT I think my dad might have an email address for my auntie so I could ask her.

@Greengagesnfennel Yes I have checked facebook, but this cousin was never a very active user and her last post is from last year, stating that her account had been hacked, so I guess she doesn't use it any more.

Just put “To Cousin X and family”, then 🤷🏻‍♀️
You’re not remotely close, if a Christmas card every year is the limit of your interaction.
Why all the angst?

Thank you, yes this is my worry exactly.

Also - so sorry for your loss

I wouldn’t write the “To cousin…..” part - just sign the bottom with whatever you normally sign off as eg “have a great Christmas Love whatever your name is”. I’ve sent and received cards like that in the past. And just address the envelope to the adults as normal. It doesn’t sound like you are close at all, all that really matters is they know who it is from. Then see what you get back.

Yes I agree with this, though I guess OP you might be feeling conscious that 'Have a great Christmas' isn't appropriate if they had suffered a baby loss. How about putting 'Sending love and warm wishes' (or something like that), which could be appropriate to whatever her circumstances are.

Just write to cousin and family love your name and family

Good point - sorry I wasn’t thinking when I said about the have a great Christmas part!

Love to you all and then your names.

I can’t remember half of my cousin’s children’s names but I have got a lot of cousins.

Help. What do I do?!

Sit your dad down and tell him the possible seriousness of the situation and how you want him to actually do something about it.

If he has any compassion and you drive the point home enough, then surely he'll do it?

Don't be checking Facebook, texting your aunt or turning into a detective.

Just get your dad off his arse and hope that he'll do this one important thing for you.

Dont address it to anyone, just write "merry Christmas, love x and y"

Or just to the couple. Better to forget to include little one, that upset them about baby who has died.

I wouldnt be emailing random people to ask.

I mean I just probably wouldn’t bother sending a card to people I don’t know well enough to know if they had a baby nine months ago or not!

This!

With respect to the poster up-thread whose child was stillborn (and my genuine condolences go to her), the odds are vastly in favour of your cousin having a successful birth and the baby surviving. Unless you know of health or genetic issues that would increase the chance of a tragedy, why are you contemplating that this might be the case. Why are you assuming the worst? From what you have said about the infrequency of contact, it seems unsurprising to me that you and your mum were not told about the birth.

So sorry for your loss ❤️

I think you need to say something like 'Love and good wishes to you all' in these circumstances. You obviously care about these folk but you are out of touch with them for practical purposes and shouldn't assume anything. Hopefully and most likely the baby was born and is fine, but you can't take the risk of mentioning this in a card. With any luck you'll receive some news in their cards.

I don't write cards any more, but when I did, I gave up doing all the names of people a long time ago, because there's lots of diverse spellings now and I couldn't remember if someone was a Steven, a Stephan, or a Stephen, so I just started doing 'X and family' and got many similar in reply. Most people spell my children's names wrong, I don't care, but it's so much easier to not list everyone these days and some people do get upset if you get it wrong.

It's not the same thing but I've forgotten the names of people's children or partners and just said to Jane and family etc.

I genuinely wouldn't notice if someone did that to me. Obviously if someone lost a baby they would be more sensitive but the fact is you probably wouldn't have been told the baby's name either way so it's fair enough that you are keeping it vague.

"From our house to yours"

Just address the card to the Adult couple as you usually do