To think my cousin's baby might have died?

[AsIfIWish]

I'll try and make this short. I feel like this is both a very minor yet possibly a very major question! My family/extended family members are all very friendly with each other, but my parents moved a long way away from the rest of the family when I was young, so I've never been close to my aunts, uncles and cousins and don't see them much now that I'm grown/married myself. We see them at weddings, funerals and the occasional big birthday family gathering, but that's it. Just due to covid and lack of family events etc, it's probably 6 years since I saw the cousin in question as they live the furthest away.

I always send Christmas cards to these family members to show I'm thinking of them, but most of the time I don't know much about their lives, save for the couple of people who include letters with their news. This is especially the case on my dad's side of the family, because relatives sometimes tell him things on the phone and he forgets to tell my mum, or any of us!

So, I'm about to write a card to my cousin on my dad's side, when I suddenly remember that last year in her card to my parents (and possibly her card to us too, I can't remember), she wrote that they were expecting a baby, due in March this year. The only trouble is, neither I nor my mum or dad have any recollection of being told about this baby actually being born...

I feel awful not putting anything about it in the card, in case the baby WAS born and my dad forgot to tell us, but likewise I don't want to assume that everything was fine and dandy and include the (nameless!) baby in the card, just in case something awful happened.

I can't ask the cousin myself and nor will my mum (I asked her), but my dad won't get round to asking anyone about it for weeks either - if at all. I also need to send my Christmas cards asap.

Help. What do I do?!

Just say' to all of you' or one of those ' from our family to your family..'

I moved into my late gran's house 9 months after she died as I was relocating back home and stayed there while looking for somewhere to live. I received a Christmas card from their (very odd) neighbours - Happy Christmas (Gran's name), have a great time.

I took great pleasure in telling them next time I saw them 'thanks for the card, gran has actually been dead 8 months - the hearse turning round outside your living room window should have given a hint'.
They have become weird hermits.
My mum thought it was funny. I did not. You are right to enquire.

I'm NC or LC with a lot of my family so only write cards to certain ones however I'd address it to "cousin and family"

Bit weird but whatever floats your boat

Er.... well done?

Of course, nobody ever leaves their living room.

Wait and see what they put in their card and write the same.

Also, re-evaluate whether it's worth sending these people you don't know anything about a Christmas card!

There was no "respect" to that poster! To dismiss stillbirths as being the result of health or genetic issues, is cold, callous and unbelievably ill-informed.

The odds may be in her favour, but the ridiculous things about statistics is they happen to someone,

I had no health concerns, my baby was perfectly healthy. When I worried about lack of movement, even the midwives said she would be fine: until they could find no heartbeat,

This was 3 days before she was due to be born.

The cord was wrapped around her neck three times.

So No - it isn't that unlikely! It happened to a friend of mine years before, and with each pregnancy* *I sounded like a hysterical woman, for everything to hospital when the babies moved less.

With my third I was more relaxed, but PATHETIC, DANGEROUS tropesweee still batted around, by friends who believed the baby had too little room, etc, or the even worse drink something sweet to see if baby moves, which is so bloody dangerous that no one should ever say it again.

As I said the midwives were reassuring when I turned up, I'd had a scan a few days before and everything was fine...then just like that it wasn't!

There was no health problems with me (they thoroughly check for any maternal* *reasonsa baby may have died), and my daughter had been healthy,

It canand does happen to ANYONE, so whilst most pregnancies have a happy ending, a lot don't, * *

Go on the government website for registered births and look for babies born around the due date with your cousins surname.

Not foolproof but at least it would establish if the baby was born.

It can be a nice way of staying in touch though and knowing that you are thinking of them even if circumstances mean you are not close. If you never make the effort then you will be cutting contact completely. Which is also fine, but it doesn't have to be so black and white or all or nothing.

Address it to cousin's names and sweet baby.
Assume there is a baby. They will then realise that they have not told you of the baby's name.
If the baby is dead, they will correct you.

At the very least, you should remember what they wrote to you about last year. It was about the baby so don't leave baby out.
It's not your fault that they are late in letting you know.

Also ask tham for their phone number.
How would you contact them if your father were to die?

@Anonymousemouses
I sincerely apologise if my post came across as cold and callous. That wasn't my intention of course but I should have chosen my words more carefully.
While I know that many many women, myself included, have had (and continue to have) miscarriages, I was meaning that there are fewer stillborn babies (though even one is one too many) and statistically, few babies these days die as infants. Therefore, my logic was that there was a greater chance of the baby being born and surviving but the Op's starting point was to assume the worst.
I am very sorry for your losses

Right because everyone will be looking out of their window for that 5 min window the hearse is there. How odd you expect everyone in the street to be aware as a hearse showed up for 5 mins.

Why bother sending cards to people you don’t really know when we should all be making efforts to cut down on unnecessary waste?

Why would you "take great pleasure" in being so unpleasant? It's hardly likely they had sent a card to your grandmother with the intention of upsetting you and yet your response was entirely with that intention.

Well that was extremely rude and unnecessary. You're the very odd person in that story!

So in 9 months your dad hasn't had any contact with his sibling where they would surely have spoken about their lovely new grandchild (if one had been born)? Not that friendly a family really.

I had a stillborn baby, I wouldn't have corrected anyone I saw a few times a year if they wrote "to xx, xxx and sweet baby".

It could just be me, but I'd be so upset if someone I barely knew wrote that, family or not. Then, even if the baby is well and thriving, it would be 9/10 months? And you don't even know it's name.

Hopefully the baby's all's well and good, but surely you'd remember hearing the news if the baby died. I think the fact you can't remember means all's well.

If you have to send a card, this is one of the times write just write to X and family.

P.s @user1492757084

If the baby is dead, they will correct you.

It's not your fault that they are late in letting you know.

They don't owe OP any news. They barely know each other by her own admission.

This.
But given the diabolical postal system I doubt they’ll get the Christmas cards before Christmas 2026!

I’d just wait for their card. Then write and post mine. Late cards are not unusual at this time of year.

But can’t u still pm via facebook?

wishing you all
to x and family

use one of these standard phrases that are used when you forget nieces, nephews, in laws and extended family members names.

I am out at work 12 hours a day usually, I wouldnt see a hearse in my street even if it hung around for a 5 hour stretch because I would be at work like most people. Even if they were at home they might not have been staring out the window at that very moment?

What an overly bitter and really odd thing to say.

Going against the grain, but there’s no way I’d be saying “and family” if you think there might not be one.

I would just be saying “cousin + partner’s name” as normal. That way either
— they will realise you don’t know about the baby who has been born and hopefully let you know
OR - if the baby didn’t make it then it looks like you are aware of that

(and I fully expect in 10 years time, there will be an AIBU from the cousin along the lines of “why doesn’t my cousin ever acknowledge my DC is Christmas cards”

Genuine question…why are you sending cards to all these people you barely see, know so little about, and have hardly any actual contact details about? Just why?

Also…it’s way too late now to be doing this! 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Just stop - save yourself time, money (Christ alive the price of stamps is ridiculous!) and angst!

I kind of agree with this. If you arent close enough to even know if she's had a baby then I really wouldnt worry about sending a card. Its all a bit perfunctory really