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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Day - change of plans

40 replies

jmrpinkie · 17/12/2025 16:37

We were due to spend Christmas Day at our in laws but because of imminent baby arrival and some additional monitoring we have changed plan to spend Christmas at my home.

MIL has always done Christmas. Plans it and purchases most and we all row in where we are allowed. Now that it is in our house we’re discussing meal plans for the few nights everyone is here. Deciding who is doing what. What needs to be ordered. Which I think is the right way to do it and I need to try and be flexible because I just can’t do as much and also it’s everyone’s Christmas. But there are a few things that I know will bother me if MIL interferes. Some examples.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day table - she will have a very traditional Christmas dining table, table cloth runner etc. she will know I don’t own this stuff and I’m certain she’ll bring it. I don’t want that on my table and I’m happy to do the table my way.

plates and cutlery - we have loads of mid matched stuff and we don’t have “good” serving things. We have serving platters and crockery that are mismatched, I still love but we use them. I don’t believe in keeping things for one day. I know she’ll want to bring stuff.

do I just let it all go and let her dictate what she wants to do as it’s not going to worsen my day or do I say now “we need x y and z, don’t need a, b and c as we have it”

am I being unreasonable if I put my foot down.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 17/12/2025 16:40

Your home, you're hosting your table how YOU want it!

If she brings stuff just say No thanks. Be firm.

user1492809438 · 17/12/2025 16:43

Your house, your way, table, crockery etc. If you don't make a stand now, you'll be on here every year complaining about an overbearing controlling MIL. Nip it in the bud by expressly telling her [nicely!] that she must NOT bring anything, you are looking forward to hosting your way. Then if she turns up loaded, you can tell her to leave it all in the car.

Original poster
jmrpinkie · 17/12/2025 16:45

user1492809438 · 17/12/2025 16:43

Your house, your way, table, crockery etc. If you don't make a stand now, you'll be on here every year complaining about an overbearing controlling MIL. Nip it in the bud by expressly telling her [nicely!] that she must NOT bring anything, you are looking forward to hosting your way. Then if she turns up loaded, you can tell her to leave it all in the car.

Love this!!

I think it’s more that we were all going there so she’ll have put so much thought into it all that I also want her to enjoy it. But you’re right.

with most things I’m happy for her to do her thing but the organising stuff in my house I’m not sure I’ve the patience.

OP posts:
TalulahJP · 17/12/2025 16:46

tell her in advance “don’t worry about bringing things like tablecloths and fancy dishes, i’d only be concerned we’d break them so i really don’t want that additional stress, our china is perfectly clean and useable and im happy to go with that thanks”
and if she brings them anyway just say
“no don’t bother bringing the good stuff out if the car, as i said before i dont need the additional worry of breaking it, mine is fine thanks”

Picklelily99 · 17/12/2025 16:52

Let her know in advance " I would really appreciate it if you could supply a b & c, but I have EVERYTHING else under control, so please don't bring other stuff as it isn't needed and will just make clutter."

noidea69 · 17/12/2025 16:57

Christ i couldnt think of anything worse than having to host people for a few days over christmas if baby was imminent.

Surely this year you say you & husband are staying home just the 2 of you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/12/2025 17:16

noidea69 · 17/12/2025 16:57

Christ i couldnt think of anything worse than having to host people for a few days over christmas if baby was imminent.

Surely this year you say you & husband are staying home just the 2 of you.

Moving the whole Christmas Circus to your house when You are being monitored by hospital presumably and baby about to arrive is crazy!

You should be focusing on your health and staying calm not worrying about table settings. You've got an actively organising MIL who will probably want to do it all so that you can rest but you are already stressing at the thought of that!!!

PLEASE be sensible and REST. with just you and DH.
You cannot do that with tonnes of people around in your home, with the best will in the world.
You may pop on Xmas eve or in the middle of xmas lunch... what happens then? More stress about moving everything back to MIL's or trying not to freak out with contractions in front of relatives in the middle of the Kings Speech.

If you can't do much your DH will be running about trying to host instead - when you want to have him focusing on you instead. Be realistic, since none of the people around you seem to be.

AnotherNameChange1234567 · 17/12/2025 17:18

I couldn’t get outraged about some tablecloths and plates. Save it for the important stuff.

Lovelynames123 · 17/12/2025 17:22

Personally, I'd just let her crack on and sit with my feet up...so what if she wants to cart all her stuff along, saves me the bother, is what I'd think. If she's otherwise a decent MIL I wouldn't choose this as a hill to die on!

RudolphTheReindeer · 17/12/2025 17:26

I'm also baffled as you've taken this on in your situation. If it needed to be moved due to your health your dh should be on it all. Surely mil won't bring crockery etc on a long journey?

Original poster
jmrpinkie · 17/12/2025 17:33

Lovelynames123 · 17/12/2025 17:22

Personally, I'd just let her crack on and sit with my feet up...so what if she wants to cart all her stuff along, saves me the bother, is what I'd think. If she's otherwise a decent MIL I wouldn't choose this as a hill to die on!

This is kind of what I’m thinking I might do. Is it worth me standing my ground - I don’t think it is!!

For people saying to not have them over at all. I do get why some people might not and did contemplate this. I’m happy to spend Christmas with them. I want to keep things normal and fun for my 5yo. They’re not staying with us, they’re staying with my SIL and they are so flexible if plans did need to change they can spend Christmas with SIL.

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 17/12/2025 17:39

Plans are changing to accommodate you so I would be inclined to let her at it - she will probably be feeling a bit useless if she was expecting to host and probably be keen to help.

You have a lot on your plate (so to speak) with the impending arrival - if I were you I would sit back and let her do as much of the work as she wants.

If it really bothers you though just say what you need help with and what you prefer to do yourself.

Randomchat · 17/12/2025 17:39

Lovelynames123 · 17/12/2025 17:22

Personally, I'd just let her crack on and sit with my feet up...so what if she wants to cart all her stuff along, saves me the bother, is what I'd think. If she's otherwise a decent MIL I wouldn't choose this as a hill to die on!

Me too. Do you have another room you can sit in with your feet up and play with your dc while she sets the table?

I would not be wasting precious time and energy debating table runners.

Endofyear · 17/12/2025 17:40

My mum always brings stuff and decorates the table - she loves doing it and I can't be arsed so it works for us! Makes her happy, everyone praises it and it keeps her out of the kitchen when I'm trying to cook!

I'd probably be inclined to let MIL get on with it and put your feet up, especially if you're heavily pregnant! Is it really worth causing drama about?

SoLongLuminosity · 17/12/2025 17:40

I'd 100% let it go.

OffTheHookNow · 17/12/2025 17:42

I’d leave it to my husband to sort out. He deals with his Mum and I deal with mine. I don’t want to be organizing other people’s families.
If you are getting bothered about it then It doesn’t harm to call her and tell her that you want to use your plates.

This is the type of thing that when you are older you will wonder why you ever cared about it.

Celestialmoods · 17/12/2025 17:43

If you’re doing the hosting, you get to choose how it’s done. If it’s more that it’s being held at your house but they are doing the cooking, then they get to choose how it’s served.

tarheelbaby · 17/12/2025 17:43

I think this is the right tack to take - let her make it as complicated for herself as she wants - and let your DH help her. Just do as per Dr's orders and sit back doing your best for her next grandchild. Anytime we hosted PILs, I let DH be the point man since they were his family.

Original poster
jmrpinkie · 17/12/2025 17:44

thanks guys this has been helpful - you’ve answered it for me - I’m letting it go. It will make her happy being in control of it. I’m a bit indifferent. I shall put my feet up with a hot chocolate and play games.

my pregnancy hormones were trying to cut my nose off to spite my face but fuck it.

OP posts:
333FionaG · 17/12/2025 17:44

It wouldn't bother me. Let her lay the table and provide the crockery. It's not a big deal.

tarheelbaby · 17/12/2025 17:45

Enjoy having a person caterer 😁

Original poster
jmrpinkie · 17/12/2025 17:48

Celestialmoods · 17/12/2025 17:43

If you’re doing the hosting, you get to choose how it’s done. If it’s more that it’s being held at your house but they are doing the cooking, then they get to choose how it’s served.

I think this is it. We have decided to stay close to home to be close to the hospital. They live 4 hours away from us. We said we wouldn’t be spending Christmas with them but if they wanted to do a Christmas in our town (where SIL also lives) we would love to spend the day all together. So I think it’s only fair to let her at it.

OP posts:
ImFineItsAllFine · 17/12/2025 17:50

jmrpinkie · 17/12/2025 17:44

thanks guys this has been helpful - you’ve answered it for me - I’m letting it go. It will make her happy being in control of it. I’m a bit indifferent. I shall put my feet up with a hot chocolate and play games.

my pregnancy hormones were trying to cut my nose off to spite my face but fuck it.

Good plan! We hosted PILs at Christmas when I was 37 weeks pregnant. They brought everything, did everything and I sat on the sofa like a beached whale and let them crack on.

Only annoyance was my stomach was so squished by the baby that I couldn't eat that much Christmas dinner!

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 17/12/2025 17:51

Not unreasonable to put your foot down.

But I'd let her go ahead:

  1. I'd hazard a guess that having a matched table is more important to her, than having a mismatched table is to you, so let her enjoy it

  2. It's less work for you for her to deal with the table etc, and late pregnancy is a good time to go for the lazier options!

gogomomo2 · 17/12/2025 17:57

Personally I would suggest this comes in the don’t sweat the small stuff category, does it matter if she brings matching cutlery, crockery and a nice tablecloth? Not worth making a stand over in my opinion plus personally I prefer matching cutlery, it’s not the design it is that matched weighted cutlery is better (plus I like heavy cutlery). Remember to keep perspective, some people do care about these things and sometimes it’s nice to let them have their way